Flogometer for Jan: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jan's first 16 lines, contemporary general fiction from Australia:

'Dammit, Jackson, we can't keep ignoring this.' Lachlan Ridgeway shook that morning's Chicago Trib across his desk toward Bill Jackson, his corporate counsel, and Susan Holliman, lead chemist. The headline, "Diet Drug Deals Death", screamed the tragedy courtesy of Ridgeway Pharmaceuticals. The second paper he held up was no better, announcing "Another Teenager Dies". Lachlan slung the accusing stories into the wastebasket next to his desk.

Jackson's face reddened, contrasting with the white shock of hair, every strand oiled in place. 'We're not ignoring it, but we can't give in without a fight. I've been contacted by three separate personal injury attorneys in the last 24 hours. They're baying for blood, Lachlan. And with the press all over it…'

Lachlan breathed deeply and expelled it slowly. 'I know what the press is saying.' He turned to the scientist. 'Susan, SuperSlimmer is your project. How did you miss this effect?'

Before she could answer, Bill came to her defense.' It wasn't her doing. Braithwaite got us into this shit before you came on board.'

Lachlan cringed at the mention of the Vice President for Product Development, who had raced in to run the company after Father's unexpected relinquishment of the reins. The guy probably meant well when he made the decision. Helping people lose weight was worth (snip)

Didn't quite get me there
I liked the way this opens with a scene, and good story questions are raised, but there were signs of storytelling and craft issues ahead. Putting on the hat of a bleary-eyed agent (and the real me at 5:30 in the morning), that held this from reaching the compelling level for this reader. Notes:

'Dammit, Jackson, we can't keep ignoring this.' Lachlan Ridgeway shook that morning's Chicago Trib across his desk toward at Bill Jackson, his corporate counsel, and Susan Holliman, lead chemist. The headline, "Diet Drug Deals Death", screamed the tragedy courtesy of Ridgeway Pharmaceuticals. The second paper he held up was no better, announcing New York Times said, "Another Teenager Dies". Lachlan slung the accusing stories into the wastebasket next to his desk. (There are signs of overwriting and "telling" here. I found the staging of shaking a paper "across" a desk confusing, though I think it's supposed to let us know that the people were across the desk. But a simple "at" does the job and keeps things moving. The reference to the second paper being no better feels like telling to me, and didn't seem needed. Finally, using specifics, such as The New York Times, adds credibility and helps the reader see what's happening. In this case, having the Times blaring the story is much more significant than a "second paper.")

Jackson's face reddened, contrasting with the his white shock of hair, every strand oiled in place. 'We're not ignoring it, but we can't give in without a fight. I've been contacted by three separate personal injury attorneys in the last 24 hours. They're baying for blood, Lachlan. And with the press all over it…'

Lachlan breathed deeply and expelled it slowly. 'I know what the press is saying.' He turned to the scientist. 'Susan, SuperSlimmer is your project. How did you miss this effect?' (While the breathing deeply is okay, I don't see that it contributes -- it could have been crisper, as in took a deep breath. We know he knows what the press is saying because he just quoted it, and so does Jackson, who just heard him quote the press, so that bit is quite unneeded.)

Before she could answer, Bill came to her defense. Bill cut in. ' It wasn't her doing. Braithwaite got us into this shit before you came on board.' (The first phrases I cut were both telling. The one I added is showing, and we didn't need to be told he was defending her because his dialog shows him doing that.)

Lachlan cringed at the mention of the Vice President for Product Development, who had raced in to run the company after Father's unexpected relinquishment of the reins. The guy probably meant well when he made the decision. Helping people lose weight was worth (snip) (I cut all of this because it's a step into backstory and a momentum killer. We may need to know this later, but not now. Now is the time to hook us with the terrible trouble that Lachlan faces. It would have been nice if he was troubled by people dying, but that may be an aspect of the character that plays a part in his arc.)

There's plenty of promise here -- a contemporary kind of problem, a drug company doing bad things to we consumers, which can provide meaty issues. But the things I indicated bogged this reader down. Keep at it, Jan. Slip inside Lachlan's head and give us the scene as he feels and experiences it, and stay away from backstory as much as possible. You'll get there.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Norm]

I agree with Ray. Plenty of promise with a contemporary story about side-effects of a drug.

I found myself rereading sentences to try and get what they meant. Also it seemed that we got a resume with every character and that slowed the pace.

Perhaps it was the use of a distant objective narrator in the first four paragraphs, but I had little empathy with any of the characters. In the fifth paragraph, the focus moves in to Lachlan Ridgeway and his concern is for the company his father founded, not the people who died and their families. I'm rooting for the plaintiffs' lawyers.

If it's about Ridgeway, it should be good to learn how he comes to care about others, rather than the company or his family's reputation. Redemption stories are always popular.

Good luck.

[Kamila Miller]

I needed someone to care about. If Ridgeway is going to be the main pov character, I'd like him to be an anti-hero at least. If he's going to care about reputation and money more than the lives lost, he'd better have a good reason for it--like lives that have already been saved and could continue to be saved. Or something.

If this were my opening (bear in mind I haven't sold a thing so take this with a small Siberian salt mine) I'd be inclined to have a classic dark moment as the first few opening lines before the employees come in, at which point he'd stand up and start shouting and blustering with the headlines. Then the readers would see it's all a front. If you go that direction just make sure that the dark moment has action in it--emotional action, not just all physical.

[Patty]

Hi Jan!

My issue with this was that it takes me too long to understand what's actually happening and what this is about. The first paragraph is a big huh? to me with all the introductions, the newspaper names and something that obviously gets the characters' attention, but I don't understand what this issue is.

I suggest teasing this out. I'd start with a line or two about the character who's supposed to be the main POV reading the article.

Then there's the line that says 'Susan, how did you miss this effect?' that screams scientific bungling to me. I'm taking this is about a slimming drug having killed people. Any treatment or nutrient released for human consumption has to go through very thorough testing. The sentence 'how did you miss this?' suggest a casualness about the whole testing process that I find implausible in a manufacturer/scientist (seeing as I presume Susan represents the R&D branch of whatever company is trying to sell this drug).

Now of course it may well be that the testing process was rigged (the name William McBride comes to mind) but imo (and in my experience as scientist) this is not the way people would talk. They would take it a lot more seriously, at least if they're bona fide and mean well.

So at the moment I'm feeling like I'm with a bunch of people who aren't all that competent and are not dealing with a stuff-up in a professional way. I'd suggest something along these lines:

Let Lachlan ask Susan if there could be any truth in the allegations. Then let Susan bumble through an answer. Then let Bill defend her by saying she didn't do the research. I'd cut the 'shit'-line because it compounds my feeling that these people are mega-incompetent.

Now, OK, this may be what you want, and it might be what has happened, but then - am I meant to care for any of these people? Because I don't think you have developed a sympathetic character yet.

[Mai]

There was an imprecision of language or action that bothered me sometimes.

'Screamed the tragedy courtesy of...' sounded awkward to me.

In this age of recycling, in the US those papers would be tossed into the recycling bin, not a wastebasket. But action-wise, a more likely action would be for Lachlan to slam the papers down on the desk and leave them there for Jackson to deal with later, as a further expression of power and implicit insult - i.e., an invasion of territory and the turning of a wage-earner into a trash-lackey.

A shock is something that stands up more or less vertically, like a shock of corn. Hair that's oiled into place is not shock-like. Also, men who have a full head of white hair rarely oil it down, as far as I've seen.

If Lachlan is so angry, would he notice the contrast of Jackson's red face to white hair in such a musing way? Wouldn't Lachlan ignore it, or see it as a sign of impeding heart attack or stroke, and either worry or enjoy the scene with a good dose of schadenfreude?

'Baying for blood' is a metaphor that brings a hunt to mind. But a hunt means something's missing. I'd say the lawyers are out for blood. They already have the quarry at hand, they just need to bite it to get the blood flowing.

In this kind of tense business situation, no one would turn to someone and say, 'Whomever, XYZ is your project. How did whatever happen?' They'd be more likely to say something in the vein of, 'Dammit, Whomever! How the hell did you miss...' Or, they might call an immediate closed-door meeting, and use verbal attack to cover up their fears of impending professional doom.

I get disconcerted if a character is referred to by full name, surname and given name in a short space of writing. I have to back to the previous passages to make sure I know that X Y, X and Y are all the same person.

Susan has a job category, but neither surname nor title. Some readers will assume the author has a male basis.

Since no one else has his or her title given, this line, '...Lachlan cringed at the mention of the Vice President for Product Development, who had raced in...' is a slight jolt. It might be smoother to write something like '...Lachlan cringed at the mention of Braithwaite. He was their Vice President for Product Development, who'd raced in...'

In terms of story and excitement, I have no criticism. But the imprecision held me back from turning the page. It seems very close to being a page-turner, though.

[JanW]

Thank to everyone for their comments. These have us devising an entire new opening. We had a blast doing brainstorming today, and adding a different threat to the company.

Just as an insight: the story isn't about the company going under, not really. It's about something that happens later. Hopefully our revised plot opening will be improved. We added more villains, too!