Flogometer for Erin: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Erin wrote this:

"I've tried just jumping right into the action as it appears on page two, but it didn't feel right without offering some background into how the protagonist ended up in this situation."

She wants to know which approach is best, so we'll look at both. The first first 16 lines of a literary novel:

He lies broken before me, much like my sister's favorite doll I dismembered as a boyhood amusement. A ghastly impulse, I admit, but one that delighted me with the fury it provoked in her. Only I cannot be blamed for the atrocities committed against Michael O'Rorke -- not for the two prosthetic legs balanced against the nightstand, the mechanical extension to his forearm resting on the tabletop above. No, the wounds I inflicted upon Michael were emotional in nature. My words, my self-righteous attitude had cut him more deeply than a sword slicing through flesh. I have prolonged his agony. Me, the man he entrusted with his secrets.

More than a year has passed since federal agents freed Michael from a hole dug deep within a Virginia woods. Kidnapped and brutally mistreated, he had somehow mustered the will to survive his nine-month ordeal. "A Legend Reborn," the cover of one weekly news magazine had proclaimed. The editor must have found irony in the headline: Michael emerging from his earthen womb to start life anew. His reputation as immortal is now indisputable.

He had slipped into his captors' grip with alarming ease -- this former U.S. President, a thirty-year veteran of the FBI -- taken during the night from his Washington, D.C. town house while his security detail stood guard outside. No one realized he was missing until morning. The crime had been perfectly executed, so mysterious, it seemed more like a television cliffhanger than (snip)

Good clean writing, hardly a nit to pick. But there's "telling." And backstory. And summary. It sounds like an interesting story, but we're not in the story yet, are we? The second 16 lines:

I'd nearly lost hope the president would be found. That was when I was lured into a trap, a deception I had unwittingly instigated. I had lent my skills as a journalist to further the investigation into Michael O'Rourke's disappearance by writing a series of articles for my newspaper. In addition to re-igniting the public's interest, the articles had also generated dozens of leads. All were dead ends, it disheartened me to learn, but the telephone call I received on the first of March proved too enticing to ignore.

"Jack Brydges?" a man's voice on the opposite end of the line had asked me.

"This is Brydges. Who's this?"

"I have information, Mr. Brydges. I may be able to shed some light on the whereabouts of President O'Rorke. Is this line secure?"

"Yes, yes," I said with a sigh. So many of these calls began with cryptic introductions that I wondered if my readers indulged in spy-novel fantasies. "What information would you care to share with me?"

"Not over the phone. We must meet in person. Perhaps…"

"In a parking garage near the Watergate?" I interrupted him. "Around three in the morning? You'll be the one lurking in the shadows, wearing the trench coat."

Well, for me the second set has much more pull. This page I would definitely turn. It still smacks of the past, but there's action with intriguing story questions raised. And there's one little nit I can pick at. The "said with" syndrome.

"Yes, yes," I said with a sigh. So many of these calls began with cryptic introductions that I wondered if my readers indulged in spy-novel fantasies. "What information would you care to share with me?"

I don't care for the "said with" construction, as you can see if you visit my post on don't say it with with. While, in this instance, the dialogue could be delivered in a sighing manner, that's not what the narrative says. I suggest separating the sigh from the dialog, and perhaps motivating the sigh before it happens rather than after, i.e.

I sighed. So many of these calls began with cryptic introductions that I wondered if my readers indulged in spy-novel fantasies. "Yes, yes. What information would you care to share with me?"

Nice work, Erin. In reading ahead, I discovered that the protagonist is shot. I don't know what happens after that -- and I wanted to.

Tip for Erin: you have the protagonist hearing "the metallic click of a gun trigger." The man is hooded and, in my experience, there isn't a metallic click when a trigger is pulled.

I also think, because of the hood and because this guy is a reporter, that it's unlikely that he would recognize such a sound, even if it existed. Just sayin'.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 200

Comments

[Sheila]

I really liked Erin's first paragraph of the first entry. Great opening sentence, well written and it made me want to find out what had happened to O'Rorke. But the immediate jump into backstory and summary didn't work for me.

The second entry also starts with a compelling opening sentence. I did have some tiny doubts about the rest of the paragraph, though. I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believing the public would lose interest in a kidnapped president after just nine months. And wouldn't a journalist's first question to this guy be, "why don't you call the FBI?" That's what I'd want to know. And why does the caller ask if the line is secure and then insist on meeting face to face?

But I liked the tone of the writing and the sarcasm of the main character. I would read further, definitely.

It seems that the two entries are separated by a year. The president is kidnapped, held for nine months, freed, and then a year passes and we get to that first opening paragraph. During what part of this ordeal does the bulk of your story take place? Is it primarily about the post-kidnapping relationship between the journalist and the president? Or is his kidnapping and rescue a more important part of the story?

I thought about this as I read the two pieces. I enjoy good non-linear story telling, but it is more effective when it has a reason beyond - this is exciting, I'll put this first. I think that knowing where the story goes would help me decide which beginning I prefer, because while the second one has the clear pull of a political thriller, I found the first one would also work if you didn't jump straight into backstory in the second paragraph. But that would depend on if something else happens in that room as your protagonist looks down on the broken figure of the ex-president.

Good luck!

[Deana]

Maybe the two version could be re-worked and combined. I liked elements from the first, and the first opening sentence was better, but there was more of an interest-provoking scene in the second version.

[Patty]

I very much preferred the second opening. Much more interesting. I am also running into that 'necessary backstory' problem. I think what it comes down to is that readers 'need' far less backstory than the author thinks they do. It seems to me that for most readers, backstory in first chapters = boring.

Thanks also for raising the 'said with' abomination. As far as I'm concerned, people say things 'with' their mouths.

[Mai]

I like the voice in the opening two sentences, and the slightly surrealistic images invoked.

When the author takes us into the possibility of a sense of personal guilt with "Only I cannot be blamed..." it's a distraction, the story goes off track.

The author might consider cutting, at that point, directly to "More than a year has passed since federal agents freed Michael from a hole dug deep within a Virginia woods." And maybe then jump over the almost weepy "I'd nearly lost hope" backstory in the first paragraph of the next 16-line section, to get right to the action.

The important parts of the backstory that get dropped from the opening 32 lines can be woven into the book later.

With the strong story and good writing, either opening would have made me turn the page.

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I had a realization as I wrote the comment above: The author's motives for writing, and his or her justification of his characters' stories, are not the story itself. They're of primary importance to the author, though. They're an important part of the book, but they should be read as grace notes, not as the heavy beats. They represent part of the author's internal truth.

Too much heavy-handed exposure of them to the reader is counter-productive to the author's purpose, which is to tell those things indirectly. Because they're the truest part of what the author is giving the reader, they need to be offered with the most subtly and gentleness.

People read fiction to escape the truth -- and to find it anyway. They like to be surprised, and laugh at themselves for trying to run away from the truth.

Maybe it's the ability to write internal truths with soft art that makes a good writer, as well as the ability to tell a good story and write well.

As with good music, finding truth in writing, encountering it with surprise and experiencing as a delight or a wonder, is cathartic, and helps the reader take the next step in life. Life can be pretty tough. Art helps.