Flogometer for Danielle: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Danielle's first 16 lines:

I had always suspected that I was a coward.

As I sat on the ledge of an ornate arch, gazing out across the pristine lawns of the University of Sydney's quadrangle, that suspicion was undeniably confirmed. The elaborately carved gargoyles seemed to be glaring a challenge at me; the imposing sandstone corridors made me feel completely out of my depth in every way. While other students milled about in their impenetrable phalanxes, pretending not to be overawed as they laughed and revelled in their first day of uni, I felt like curling up into a little ball and rocking back and forth in the shadows. All my friends from school had gone to different universities; there was no familiar face to help me through, no familiarity at all - just a sense of strangeness, of not belonging.

This experience could have been so different. If only Emily was still here … it should have been me who died in that car accident. Why had I survived, just to be a miserable, neurotic screw-up?

My heart pounded in my chest as the memory of that night came back to haunt me; my hands trembled like leaves, and suddenly I found it hard to breathe. I could recognize an impending panic attack from a mile away; after all, I'd experienced so many in the last few months it was almost a constant state of existence for me. That was pretty much me in a nutshell since the accident - Maddie Taylor, 18 years old, nervous wreck. Hardly an ideal situation, but hey, that (snip>

I loved the first line, but. . .
The opening sentence suggested an interesting character, but she devolved into someone feeling sorry for herself who delivers backstory and exposition. In this opening, the only suggestion of jeopardy is a possible panic attack. Otherwise, it's just musing. Yes, there's sadness, and an unhappy young woman, but that does not a story make.

I read on as a part of administering a flogging. Beside a cliché (a cookie crumbled), the writing is clean and solid. The heroine sees a stunningly beautiful young man, but then he leaves. She tries to draw and paint, but her depression is too much for her. And for me; while I understand that this is her status quo and that, hopefully, the story is about something that changes things for her, in terms of story she feels sad and hopeless, and then goes home and feels sad and hopeless. Some notes:

I had always suspected that I was a coward.

As I sat on the ledge of an ornate arch, gazing out across the pristine lawns of the University of Sydney's quadrangle, that suspicion was undeniably confirmed. The elaborately carved gargoyles seemed to be glaring a challenge at me; the imposing sandstone corridors made me feel completely out of my depth in every way. While other students milled about in their impenetrable phalanxes, pretending not to be overawed as they laughed and revelled reveled in their first day of uni, I felt like curling up into a little ball and rocking back and forth in the shadows. All my friends from school had gone to different universities; there was no familiar face to help me through, no familiarity at all - just a sense of strangeness, of not belonging. (Doesn't the description of being on a ledge of an arch suggest being up high? It did to me, but it turns out that she's not. I was confused later on. What challenge do the gargoyles seem to be issuing? Can you be specific? The last part, about no friends and strangeness, is a common enough feeling for a new student away from familiar territory, so there's not a lot special about that.)

This experience could have been so different. If only Emily was still here … it should have been me who died in that car accident. Why had I survived, just to be a miserable, neurotic screw-up? (The sentence cut felt like "telling," and didn't contribute a lot. There's a little bit of overwriting here, and for this reader meandering musing does not a story evoke. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I want a story!)

My heart pounded in my chest as the memory of that night came back to haunt me; my hands trembled like leaves, and suddenly I found it hard to breathe. I could recognize an impending panic attack from a mile away; after all, I'd experienced so many in the last few months it was almost a constant state of existence for me. That was pretty much me in a nutshell since the accident - Maddie Taylor, 18 years old, nervous wreck. Hardly an ideal situation, but hey, that (snip> (The "in my chest" is something I've picked on before as a sign of overwriting -- where else would it pound? Would we not understand if those words were removed? Trembling like leaves wasn't really needed, and a bit of a clichéd expression.)

I think Danielle needs to start closer to her inciting incident, to the event that knocks Maddie's life out of whack, the thing that creates a need or a desire that she must have, but becomes harder and harder to get. See the Story as River article. Her self pity continued for the rest of the chapter, and while I felt sorry for the girl, I didn't want to read any more of it. As I said, I wanted the story, not the set-up.

A caveat: I'm male, and this opening might be more involving for women. I'd be interested in hearing from our female readers on this.

There's good writing here, and that opening line promised an interesting character and an interesting story -- start with that, Danielle, and fill in this information as needed, or do it much more quickly. Thanks for sending your work, and good luck.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[kathy]

I thought that the character was considering jumping, but was a "coward", then nothing more about that confused me.

My first impression was a male POV.

'suddenly I found it hard to breathe.' I wonder if suddenly and found is necessary. I think this line could be more direct.
From the small amount of information, I was interested in finding out more.

[Deana]

I thought she was on a ledge and going to commit suicide but was too much of a coward.

That might have been a better hook than just a teenager in the throes of self-pity.

Danielle, you certainly write well, but what is this book about? Is this the best starting place for the story? Maybe start with the car accident that killed Emily, since it's important enough to include in the opening and presenting it as backstory isn't working?

[H. L. Dyer]

I'm female, and I felt exactly the same, Ray. I always read the first sixteen lines in my blogreader before I scroll down to see your take.

I also loved the opening sentence, but felt the story lost its momentum in the descriptions and backstory.

I think significant trimming would help, but I agree this might not be the starting point of the story.

I like the first line as I said, and the "Maddie Taylor, 18 years old, nervous wreck" could work too, if there was less explanation beforehand.

I think any mention of Emily should stay vague. Something like... "If Emily was here she'd poke my side and tell me to grow up. It should have been me instead." might raise more intrigue about what happened and then the rest of the backstory stuff can come out naturally along the way.

I think there's great potential here. A killer opening line is a great start. :)

[Kamila Miller]

A great opening line, an interesting situation, but too much feeling sorry for herself.

I got some great advice about writing pathos that may help (although I think starting with the accident is a great idea.) Try writing the sadness as attempts to overcome rather than letting the character wallow. She may say she's a coward, but try to show her being brave. Have her try to say hi to the impenetrable phalanxes (which will show them as impenetrable instead of telling us they are) and have them give non-committal answers and move on. When she's missing Emily terribly have her admonish herself--maybe she'll think Emily wouldn't want her to be like this, or she thinks about how she wants her life to fall apart in an expression of her terrible loneliness and grief but when she acts the reader sees how she's trying to hold it together.

There's a lot of potential, I agree. She just needs to *do* stuff and, perhaps to have the readers feel terrible for her, fail lots.

By the end of the chapter the story absolutely must begin, though. Seeing a cute guy is not a story. Encountering a serious problem is.

[Patty]

revelled not reveled

(Aussie spelling)

I went to Sydney Uni, too, and can see the scenery.

Other than that, I pretty much agree. Writing is clean, but the musing was a bit much. A character feeling sorry for herself isn't much of a hook for me.

[Mai]

I liked the opening sentence, too. I could see the setting -- it didn't confuse me. The second para is 50% too long. The third is two sentences too long. The fourth brings nothing valuable to the story, at this point, except the character's name. That's a lot of potential for cutting, which leaves a lot of potential room for conflict or action. I liked the writing style very much, it has good aural texture, and its beats flow nicely. But the story seems boring right now, because there's no action as yet.

[Danielle]

Thanks a lot for all the excellent comments guys! This is only very early in the editing process, and I was trying to convey the sense that Maddie was in a really bad place, but had the same feeling as most of you - that at the moment there was too much whingeing and not enough story. But some of these comments were extremely useful, so thank you all so very much! I'll make sure to put your advice into practice!