Flogometer for Kathy: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Kathy's first 16 lines:

Devon McCalester knew what he wanted. He wanted Taylor Wilder, or what ever his name really was, and he wanted answers too. The overhead lights flickered and buzzed for a few moments before lighting up his cramped dank office. It was late and he was tired, but conflicting thoughts about the case kept him from sleeping. He decided to review the file again.

Tossing his coat over the back of the chair, he removed 'Mary' from his shoulder holster and placed her on the desk.

The well worn and comfortable chair groaned under his weight like an old friend welcoming him. Devon smiled at the familiar sound.

Pushing aside an ash tray filled with crushed cigarette butts, Devon opened a drawer and retrieved a manila folder and a half empty bottle of scotch. Grimacing when he saw that there was scarcely enough left to fill his coffee-stained mug. He sighed, set the folder down and poured the remaining contents into the cup. He lit a cigarette and watched as the swirl of smoke floated in front of him like a genie emerging from it's bottle. The gentle patter of rain sounded like little fingers tapping against the window pane creating a relaxing background for the visual effect. Devon closed his eyes, he could have easily fallen asleep, but there was work to be done, and questions that needed answers.

Slowed by detail, I stopped

Kathy sees her scene clearly, and that's good. But if the goal is to compel a reader to turn the page, lots of little details may set a mood, but they don't create tension. There are discouraging signs of overwriting here, too. There's good writing, just too much of it. Notes:

Devon McCalester knew what he wanted. He wanted Taylor Wilder, or what ever his name really was, and he wanted answers, too. The overhead lights flickered and buzzed for a few moments before lighting up his cramped dank office. It was late and he was tired, but conflicting thoughts about the case had kept him from sleeping and he'd. He decided to review the file again. (Trimmed, the first line is a good one, raising story questions right away. But then little shortcomings crept in. Too many adjectives about the office. "Telling," as in "it was late." Show us it was late. For example: His desk clock said three a.m….)

Tossing his coat over the back of the chair, he removed 'Mary' from his shoulder holster and placed her on the desk. (Nice touch, naming the gun.)

The well worn and comfortable chair groaned under his weight like an old friend welcoming him. Devon smiled at the familiar sound. (This doesn't do anything to move the story ahead, and doesn't add interesting characterization, so I'd cut it.)

Pushing aside an ash tray filled with crushed cigarette butts, Devon opened a drawer and retrieved a manila folder and a half empty bottle of scotch Scotch. Grimacing when he saw that there was scarcely enough left to fill his coffee-stained mug, . He he sighed , set the folder down and poured the remaining contents into the cup. He lit a cigarette and watched as the swirl of smoke floated in front of him like a genie emerging from it's its bottle. The gentle patter of rain sounded like little fingers tapping against the window pane creating a relaxing background for the visual effect. Devon closed his eyes -- he could have easily fallen asleep, but there was work to be done, and questions that needed answers. (Lack of specificity led to a moment of confusion -- what size is the bottle of Scotch? If it's a fifth, which is what I first visualized, then half a bottle is a lot more than a cup. If it's a pint, then that's right. You have an "it's" (it is) where there should be "its," and there were more instances of that later -- do a search and change the contractions to the possessive pronoun. The rain was a another detail that slowed my reading to a halt.)

On Kathy's next page, she went into a flashback, definitely not the thing to do in the opening of what appears to be a mystery or suspense story. Kathy, you need to focus on raising story questions and creating tension with what's happening. Fewer mood details, and no flashbacks. I suggest you read the two posts that are linked above, if you haven't. But keep at it, your writing is sound.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Chro]

Also note that in mysteries, there is nothing more cliche than a male gumshoe down on his luck that smokes and drinks a lot. I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying that, from this first page, there is nothing about your main character that hasn't been done hundreds of times before. It's kind of like reluctant farmboys in fantasy, or sassy, sarcastic women with hearts of gold in women's fiction.

[Norm]

I agree with Ray. Though I liked the first two sentences as they were, I thought we bogged down in setting without have the setting work to draw us in. It was TMI, too much information.

I've heard the first mention of a character referred to as an "entrance." When we first see a character come on stage, he interacts with the scenery and, if any, other characters. The viewer of the play takes in bits and piece of background as the action continues. The action doesn't stop to allow us to take it all in. Often when we see a play, an office can be represented by a desk and we are able to use our imaginations to fill in the rest.

[Jon]

Nice, strong opening sentence(s), though I agree with Ray's suggestion to concatenate them (before reading Ray's edits, I actually had made the same change in my mind.)

(Note that "wanted" has double-entendre possibility; if you're not intending that, beware! (I initially read it with a sexual undertone; maybe I just have a dirty mind :o) ))

The third sentence ("The overhead...") is a nice detail, grounding us in the scene, but it dissolves a little of the punchy energy from the first sentence(s); after that lead-in, I wanted to know -why-.

(That said, you've used a nice tool here for making readers read 'boring stuff' (not that this was boring) - present a hook, then while they're hungering for the answer to the hook, feed them what you want them to read. I just don't know that the first paragraph is the place for that tool.)

The [but conflicting thoughts] is a little awkward, too--I'd rather find out what those thoughts are than just be told they're conflicting. Those thoughts may well go a ways toward bonding me with the character, after all; throwing the space away with a placeholder ('trust me,' the author says, 'his thoughts are conflicted.') might not be your best bet.

The last sentence in p1 is also awkward, because apparently he's come back to his office to review the file (that's why he couldn't sleep, seemingly), so he's not deciding in story-time to do it. Having him "decide to review the file again," therefore, seems redundant.*

With all that in mind, I might have organized p1 as:

>>

Devon McCalester wanted Taylor Wilder, or what ever his name really was, and he wanted answers, too. It was late and he was tired, but the case wasn't letting him sleep.

>>

(In the above, I still have structural/flow issues with the "and he wanted" followed in the next sentence with an "and he was tired" and a "but the case," but we'll ignore that for now...)

Now we have the reader's attention, and we can spend a paragraph orienting her in the scene. The description of the lights is quite nice; we could lead p2 with that.

In the existing p2, however, we have a possibly-contradictory simultaneous action implied** by the usage of "tossing" and "removed."

I'd rephrase sequentially:

>>

The overhead lights flickered and buzzed for a few moments before lighting up his cramped, dank office. Devon tossed his coat over the back of the guest chair, and moved 'Mary' from his shoulder holster to the desk.

>>

(yeah, I cheated, adding "guest" there, because I couldn't see a tossed coat being something very comfortable to lean back against :o) )

So, reorganized as above, I'm pretty juiced reading the first two paragraphs. Even without reorganization, I feel pretty good. ***

But then I hit the third paragraph, and the piece started to lose me. Devon's so pre-occupied with Wilder and his case that he's out of bed in the middle of the night to come to the office, but he's smiling at a chair's sounds and thinking of it as a friend. Huh. Okay, I guess I'll read on. But some of the urgency just wheezed out.

p4, though... Great (if somewhat PI- standard) character details--the smoking, the drinking, the lack of attention to cleanliness. But he's got This Case on his mind, clearly (again, he's out of bed, not sleeping, so this case Matters to him), and yet he's taking time to contemplate the booze level in the bottle, taking time to leisurely pour himself a drink, taking time to notice that his cup is stained, taking time to watch his cigarette smoke and fantasize about genies, taking time to relax to the sound of the rain...

...Where'd all that lovely stress go? In the space of four paragraphs, he's gone from [Dear God This Case Is Going to Kill Me If I Don't Solve It] to [hrm, nice night for a bit of relaxation, but dammit, I have to work...]

Bits of this could have worked well for the piece, if that urgency had been kept. (He's so tired he knocks over the ashtray, for example.) But the piece went from a really killer-tense opening to a rapid energy-diffusion, where by the end he's sighing and drowsy.

ON THE OTHER HAND, the converse might also work. Making Wilder be less urgent in the first paragraph, the tension wouldn't be there to ease out too quickly. I -like- the tension in this version's p1, but I could see liking a more relaxed version too. It's the inconsistency that bugged me.

Hope this helps! (Keep what helps and ignore the rest; It may have become obvious by now but I might as well be the Hindenburg, so full of hot air am I...)

-j

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*Remember that the power positions in a given story are the first and last scenes; in a scene the first and last paragraphs; in a paragraph the first and last sentences, and a sentence the first and last words.

**[verbing something, and verbed] will usually imply to the reader that the character is doing the second thing while doing the first:

Sneezing, Paul didn't see the oncoming car.

Swinging from the first vine, Tarzan reached for the second.

Contrast with:

Writing a sonnet, Susan played the harmonica.

Where it's likely that the two could be simultaneous, the construction might work; where it's not likely, it probably doesn't.

*** I do have to say, I didn't love the named gun. I'm not sure if I didn't love it because it seemed silly, or because it seemed out of place; the more I think about it, I think it was the latter. I think that the slight feel of frivolity the gun's name inspires (any name, not just 'Mary') contributes to a general more-relaxed feeling at odds with the opening paragraph.

[Kathy]

Thank you all for the great advice.

Jon,
"Where'd all that lovely stress go? In the space of four paragraphs, he's gone from [Dear God This Case Is Going to Kill Me If I Don't Solve It] to [hrm, nice night for a bit of relaxation, but dammit, I have to work...]"
I laughed. It never occured to me, but makes a good point!
"Mary" in that flashback is his dead wife.
Thanks Ray for your insight, I'm off to rewrite.

[Jon]

Dude. He named his gun... after his wife?

That's -sick-.

I can't decide if it's "I love it" sick or "I hate it" sick, but it's sick... :o)

[JanW]

Kathy, another point is the confusion of the antecedents for the he/his in the first lines. When a second male is referred to as his in the first sentence, there is confusion when 'he' is used in the following phrase and sentences without re-establishing the main character. I have difficulties with this one, too, when same gender characters are involved. Picky point, but something that is a harbinger of possible problems to come. Your first page IS your first impression.

I think too the extensive description of the scene left me asking 'what happened to Taylor Wilder?' Why is this detective or cop or whoever Devon is after him? What is their relationship? If you want to share the characterisation throughout the scene of his drinking, how about having Devon flip throught the pages, have some emotions/thoughts about the case, then identify that he needs a drink to make it through or to quell his anxieties as a result.

One helpful tip I read in one of my several 'how to' books is to keep the stimulus-response in order and avoid having a response without a stimulus.

Hope that helps.
Jan

[Danielle]

I liked the first paragraph even if the one tiny punctuation mistake jumped up at me. But I disconnected not when his chair groaned, because I liked the personality of the chair, but when he smiled. Couldn't picture that of someone who probably sat in that chair every day.

I do like description and mood setting, even in the first page, but not when it comes across as forced to establish character. I assume this is a novel, so there is plenty of time to do that later.

I still think the first couple of paragraphs are grabbers, so if Kathy builds on that great opening, she'll have a page turner.

[Sheila]

My first thoughts on this were similar to Chro's - another boozing, chain-smoking, down-on-his-luck detective? You need to add something fresh to this mixture. And I agree with Jon on using "wanted" (I guess I have a dirty mind as well). Maybe you could change it to "wanted to find" or use another word.

He's tired and frustrated, I had a hard time believing he would smile at the sound of his creaking chair. I'm thinking that he's annoyed that he has to be there.

I liked that he named his gun. That it turns out that he named it after his wife could show us something unique about him, either dark or humorous.

While you have good details here - the swirl of smoke like a genie, the rain, etc., this opening failed to entice me to read more. Mostly, I'd say, because the set up seems so familiar. My suggestion would be to have him enter the office with more urgency, grabbing the file with hands shaking from caffeine overload and thinking, "I have to find T.W., or whatever the hell his name is. And I have to find out why he . . . "

After you set the tension, then you can slow it down with details.

Keep at it!