Flogometer for Gavin: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Gavin's first 16 lines of his fantasy novel:

Some days, Retela hated being the better swimmer.

As she dove deeper into the waters off the Carwyt coast, water surged through her neck like gills, courtesy of the spell-woven collar she wore. While the ability to breathe was admittedly useful, she could do without the tickling sensation, or the need to gulp down mouthfuls of salty water mixed with seaweed and fish excrement. Meanwhile, her partner stayed ashore, breathing air like a normal person. Jerk.

The sea grew dark as she approached the bottom, the moonlight struggling to pierce the water. Retela untied a pouch at her belt and pulled out the other spell-woven trinket in her possession: a polished white stone. She gently rubbed it between her fingers, and the shinestone lit up with a brilliant blue glow. Dozens of fish scattered away from the light, one of the smaller ones nearly swimming into Retela's mouth.

"Blech!" She gagged again, her voice muffled by the water. "Yes, that's exactly what I want on my headstone: 'Retela Veruan, Choked to Death on a Fish'."

The bubbles cleared, and her shinestone revealed a shadow rising towards her from the ocean floor. She swam for it, and grinned as the monstrosity came into the light.

The corpse of the ship Ashaflana laid right where they said it would.

I wanted to read more

A good voice, an interesting scene, the character is inviting, and I have some story questions I'd like the answers to, mostly "what happens next?" But I think this could be tighter in a couple of spots. Notes:

Some days, Retela hated being the better swimmer. (Nice opening. Introduces character and raises the question "why?")

As she dove deeper into the waters off the Carwyt coast, water surged through her neck like gills, courtesy of the spell-woven collar she wore. While the ability to breathe underwater was admittedly useful, she could do have done without the tickling sensation, or the need to gulp down mouthfuls of salty water mixed with seaweed and fish excrement. Meanwhile, her partner stayed ashore, breathing air like a normal person. Jerk.

The sea grew dark as she approached the bottom, the moonlight struggling to pierce the water. Retela untied a pouch at her belt and pulled out the her other spell-woven trinket in her possession: a polished white shinestone. She gently rubbed it between her fingers, and it the shinestone lit up with a brilliant blue glow. Dozens of fish scattered away from the light, one of the smaller ones nearly swimming into Retela's mouth. (Seems like phrases such as "in her possession" instead of simply "her" is a touch of overwriting. Generally, I think it's good to avoid adverbs modifying verbs when you can. Not often needed.)

"Blech!" She gagged again, her voice muffled by the water. "Yes, that's exactly what I want on my headstone: 'Retela Veruan, Choked to Death on a Fish'." (You have her gagging "again," but the narrative hasn't shown her gagging previously.)

The bubbles cleared, and hHer shinestone revealed a shadow rising towards (?) her from the ocean floor. She swam for it, and grinned as when the monstrosity came into the her light. (Just like the gagging, bubbles haven't been mentioned in the narrative, and clarity is better without them. Also, I don't think the shadow should be "rising toward" her. That suggests something coming for her, and it's not. "Nearing" might do, or something else that says that she's approaching it, not it approaching her.)

The corpse of the ship Ashaflana laid right where they said it would. ("Corpse" was a good word choice here. Adds to mood.)

Nice work, good writing. Upon reflection, I wish there had been some hint of jeopardy for her. Or perhaps some kind of unease about the dead ship. Her irritation and attitude express great confidence, and that's fine. But, still, this opening would be stronger if there were some element of personal tension here.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Chro]

Thank you for the comments, Ray, I'm glad you enjoyed the piece.

The 'again' after her gagging was a remnant from a revision I missed. Oops. O.O

I find it interesting that you liked the word 'corpse' there, as I've had at least two people tell me that they think I should use another word, since ships don't have corpses. I could use 'broken hull' instead, but I wanted to put a sense of death in the opening, for extra foreboding.

Your comments about personal tension were my main worry. Originally I had more tension in the beginning, as her mind panicked and tried to tell her she was drowning despite the collar. I took it out because it wasn't really accomplishing anything but adding 'false tension', much like an opening nightmare would.

So I have to draw the reader in with voice and mystery instead of tension. I'm glad it was enough to get you past the first page, at least. If it makes you feel any better, she has her life threatened at least once in the first chapter (thrice if you count false alarms), so there is definitely tension coming. ;)

[Jon]

Ooh, shiny!

Everything below is just nitpicks. Overall, I really enjoyed this beginning, and would read on.

Liked the opening line. Raised questions of "better than who?" and "why?", both of which urge the reader on. Nicely done.

This didn't quite work for me in execution:

>water surged through her neck like gills

a) (minor) I'd think "neck" should be "throat," since "neck" includes the back, which is the musculature supporting the head and protecting the spine. "throat" is where all the breathing and swallowing stuff lives.

b) I'm not clear how this magic works. The only way I can make it make sense is that she's swallowing sea water, which hits the region in her throat where the necklace sits. That region filters 02 from the water and sends it down to her lungs, while the water itself is ejected... through the flesh of her throat? "Gulping down" water would divert the contents to the stomach rather than the lungs--it's just the way we're made.

All this to say, I like the idea, but I'd like to see the execution made a little clearer. (While keeping the excellent flow of the paragraphs, which was eminently readable.)

>The sea grew dark as she approached the bottom, the moonlight struggling to pierce the water.

I'm not a diver, so this is conjecture... but does moonlight penetrate water deeply enough so that it only becomes dark near the bottom?

>She gagged again

When did she gag the first time?

>The corpse of the ship Ashaflana laid right where they said it would.

Nice!

One comment on one of Ray's comments. He didn't care for the "in her possession" line. I can see his point, to an extent... but there's two problems for me with his suggestion. The first is that "her other spell-woven trinket" veers (for me) dangerously close to "her longsword +2" - it takes away the exoticism of these magic items and makes them seem more standard.
The second is the actual differentiation - is it "her" item, or is it one she's been trusted with by a village elder or whatever? In the first case, "her" might be more appropriate, but in the second, it's not "hers" to be "hers". Yeah, that made sense... :op

Overall, despite the nitpicks, I'm feeling like I'm in capable hands reading this piece. Were I able to read further, I'd go forward, however, hoping for something to happen--or be in danger of happening, or be incongruous enough to raise my readerly attention--by the end of the next page or so; if this goes on too long with her explorations (or, heavens forbid, goes into the history of the ship, or a flashback, or the weather... :o) ), it might start to lose me. But with the sample in front of me, I'm reading on.

[Marlene]

I liked this. All of it grabs my interest - the character, her attitude, the scene. Pretty darn good.

I had a problem with the bit about swallowing the water, too. I can see the magic helping her breathe through osmosis; maybe the trinket could act as gills. But, she shouldn't be swallowing water. Still, we are made to breathe through our nose and throat and I don't know if we can turn that off, even if we're getting O2 through gills. If she breathes, she swallows water. So, lots of questions, that might be easily answered by showing us better how the magic works.

Also, I'm not sure how she would speak underwater. But maybe I'm nitpicking too much.

I'm not worried about the lack of danger on this first page. Being underwater and about to enter a shipwreck raise enough possibilities for future danger. I'm wondering what's going to happen. Whatever it is should happen soon, though. Maybe on the second page. Which I would definitely turn to!

[Kamila Miller]

Other than being put off by her calling her partner a jerk for no apparent reason, this opening worked for me.

I got bounced out of reading briefly by the fish darting away from the light. I realized that they probably would because its sudden appearance would be startling, but in my (very limited) diving and snorkling experience the shy fish have already left the area just by my being in it in the first place and the non-shy fish usually come check the light out.

Panicking about the magic gills not working isn't really personal danger and wouldn't have added anything to me, so I'm glad it's not there. Diving shipwrecks is very dangerous, though, so if she was aware of that danger and leery that would add tension.

[Wendy]

The first line brought me up short - "water surged through her neck like gills" - because gills don't surge. I thought that description could do with a little refining, but I love the idea of a magical collar that allows one to breathe underwater. Even if you do have to swallow the water - which image was fantastic and make me go "ugh"!

Any diver will tell you that moonlight doesn't penetrate further than the surface of water - even bright sunlight doesn't get very far down, and colours disappear after as little as five or ten feet. Your character will be plunged into darkness as soon as she's submerged, if she's diving at night.

If you're looking for an alternative to "corpse" for the ship (which I didn't mind), how about "carcase", which may be more appropriate to an inanimate object.

[Wendy]

Oops, and I forgot to say, I would definitely have turned the page. Wreck-diving gets me every time!

[Lexi Revellian]

I got held up on 'water surged through her neck like gills'; I wondered if there should be a hyphen, 'neck-like', but that doesn't make sense...

It reads to me as if the water is like gills. Should it be, 'water surged through the gills on her neck'?

You don't want to confuse the reader in the first paragraph. Otherwise, I like it.

[Chro]

For those curious, my first page now reads:

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Some days, Retela hated being the better swimmer.

As she dove deeper into the waters off the Carwyt coast, water surged through her neck as if she had gills, courtesy of the spell-woven leather collar she wore. While she appreciated the ability to breathe, she could have done without the tickling sensation, or the need to inhale mouthfuls of salty water mixed with seaweed and fish excrement. Meanwhile, her partner Taeryl stayed ashore, breathing air like a normal person. Jerk.

Retela trembled, unnerved by the absolute darkness, for no moonlight reached her this deep. She untied a pouch at her belt and pulled out another spell-woven trinket: a polished white stone. She rubbed it between her fingers, and the shinestone lit up with a blue glow. Dozens of fish scattered away, one nearly darting into Retela’s mouth.

She gagged. Her voice muffled and distorted by the water, she mumbled, “Wouldn’t that be a wonderful epitaph: ‘Retela Veruan, Choked to Death on a Fish’.”

As she swam further down, her shinestone soon revealed monstrous shadows jutting towards her from the ocean floor. She tensed, afraid her light might’ve attracted sharks. But as the twisted shapes rose into the light, she grinned.

The carcass of the ship Ashaflana lay right where they said it would.