Flogometer for Bill: would you keep reading?

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Update Traveling all day today (Friday), plan to be back Monday.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Bill's first 16 lines of his fantasy novel:

The fragile pop and crinkle of glass burst from one of the last intact windows somewhere. Fires spit in dead-end corners, waved from broken windows and roared through houses knocked on their sides in the middle of streets. Manic, dancing shadows bumped and shoved one another like drunken revelers. Thick smoke and fumes drifted over the stumps of once proud buildings, coating the lungs and burning the eyes.

"Still alive, then?" Bran called, his back to the bricks.

"Come find out," replied the flat voice on the other side.

Bran almost smiled. Then his eyes found his last three men, splayed against the crumbling and blackened inner wall of the gutted Morrin Guild Hall like so much flotsam left by a filthy tide. Ragged and grim, they sat among the broken stones and smoking timbers, catching their breath and counting their minutes.

The bodies of the Skyrran patrol at their feet mixed with the dancing shadows. Each body bore the distinctive, triangular pauldron of the Council army, but it was the occasional moon-white eye staring blindly from their pitch black skin which proved their allegiance.

I wanted to see more

Since I'm a SF/fantasy reader, this battle scene was enough to entice me forward, though perhaps not compel. Sometimes enticement is enough, if what follows lives up to the bait. But there are some issues here, and Bill has a tendency to pile on the adjectives. In the later pages, there were definitely too many for my taste. Some notes:

The fragile pop and crinkle of glass burst from one of the last intact windows somewhere. Fires spit in dead-end corners, waved from broken windows and roared through houses knocked on their sides in the middle of streets. Manic, dancing shadows bumped and shoved one another like drunken revelers. Thick smoke and fumes drifted over the stumps of once proud buildings, coating the lungs and burning the eyes. (I cut that sentence because it felt as though we were going on too long with the description. A note: if this description was experiential, it would be more effective, and would introduce the character.)

"Still alive, then?" Bran called, his back to the bricks.

"Come find out," replied the flat voice on the other side. (The other side of what?)

Bran almost smiled. Then his eyes found hHis last three men splayed against the crumbling and blackened inner wall of the gutted Morrin Guild Hall like so much flotsam left by a filthy tide. Ragged and grim, they sat among the broken stones and smoking timbers, catching their breath and counting their minutes. (The part about his eyes finding things is a touch of overwriting, in my view, and words we can do without. This is an action scene, even though at a pause, and shorter sentences will serve better. Since his soldiers are described as ragged and grim, I felt the flotsam part was also not necessary, and got in the way of a good, crisp pace.)

The bodies of the Skyrran patrol at their feet mixed with the dancing shadows. Each body bore the distinctive, triangular pauldron of the Council army, but it was the occasional moon-white eye staring blindly from their pitch-black skin which proved their allegiance. (I'd suggest that the shadows dance over the bodies rather than the bodies mixing with them. "Distinctive" was one too many adjectives. Clarity issue: I couldn't visualize/understand "the occasional moon-white eye staring blindly from their pitch-black skin." From faces I could understand, but this suggests skin on the bodies somewhere. From arms? Backs? Foreheads? If from faces, it needs to be clear, i.e. pitch-black faces.)

Good writing and description, though, once the delete key is exercised a little. Lots of promise here, Bill. Keep at it.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Scott Marlowe]

It's a compelling opening, no doubt. The writing itself seemed to only lack some polish. I think you hit it with some good suggestions. As long as subsequent scenes keep things moving along this piece has a lot of potential.

[Kamila Miller]

I would have read onward, but only just barely because it is so description heavy during an action scene. The characters may not be doing anything just then, but the fire is doing stuff and this is a time when, as a reader, I want to find out what's going to happen in a timely fashion.

The description that's there is fabulous, though as Ray noted, it's a little overwritten in places.

I liked all the questions that came with the narrative. How did this fire get started? Who are these people and why are they fighting? I think I'd have a nice, rich setting to look forward to.

[Wendy]

This is not my usual genre, though I do occasionally dip a toe. I wasn't tempted here, primarily because these opening lines didn't give me anyone or anything to care about. Experiential narrative would definitely help, as Ray mentioned.

I agree with the overwriting and the excessive use of adjective, and would suggest that the second word, "fragile" ought to be dispensed with. We know that glass is fragile, and the word itself adds nothing to the onomatopoeic feel of "pop and crinkle of glass", which I really liked (though I might describe the glass as either "exploding" or "shattering").

In the second sentence, I believe it ought to say "Fires spat" (rather than "spit"), to be consistent with the past tense narrative.

The brief interaction between Bran and his opponent in battle was good, though, and I wanted more of that.

[Jon]

I'd read on.

Agreed that a little pruning might be in order. As an over-writer myself, I didn't really notice much of it until it was pointed out, though.

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The fragile pop and crinkle of glass burst from the last intact windows. Fires spit in dead-end corners, waved from [broken windows] and roared through houses [knocked on their sides in the middle of streets]1. Manic, dancing shadows bumped and shoved like drunken revelers. Smoke drifted over the stumps of once proud buildings, coating lungs and burning eyes.
>>

1. Just used windows breaking in the last sentence. Might want something else.

2. One wonders how this comes to pass. Buildings don't usually fall intact, do they? "Knocked" might be the wrong word, too. Or not.

>"Come find out," replied the flat voice on the other side.

Of what? I get your John-Woo-Like reference with a party on either side of a wall, heaving for breath and such, but it's not in the text.

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Bran [almost smiled.]1 Then [his eyes found]2 his last three men, splayed against the crumbling and blackened inner wall of the gutted Morrin Guild Hall, [flotsam left by a filthy tide]3. Ragged and grim, they sat among the broken stones and smoking timbers, catching their breath and [counting their minutes]4.
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1. Seems off to almost smile, particularly since he's suffered deaths. One of the things I loved about Firefly was the levity they brought into combat... but that only lasts as long as it's the other guy getting killed, I'd think.

2. A bit wordy?

3. Extend the allusion or ditch it. The prevailing image in the previous paragraph was fire and smoke; introducing water into it muddies the coherence.

4. Liked this.

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The bodies of the Skyrran patrol [at their feet]1 [mixed]2 with the dancing shadows. Each body bore the triangular pauldron of the Council army, but it was the moon-white eyes staring blindly from the Skyrrans' pitch black faces which proved their allegiance.
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1. If the patrol's at their feet, why's the bad guy on the other side of the wall?

2. Bodies don't mix with anything, being distressingly non-liquid. They might be masked or shaded or shadowed or hidden by shadows... but not mixed. Also, dancing shadows--good to tie in the first paragraph, but as written it didn't quite work for me for some reason.

Made miscellaneous edits and deletions to streamline and for clarity. Discard as appropriate :o)

There's a bunch of nitpicks here, but they're nitpicks. Overall, this was a solid opener. Nice work!

[bill blais]

Thanks Ray, and everyone else for your comments.

The point about experiential description is obviously well made (now, anyway; why can't I see these things beforehand?), along with the various comments about tightening. It's also interesting to see the different reactions to the same passages (like 'his back to the bricks'). Clearly, there's no right answer as we all read differently, but I often struggle with how much to tell and how much to leave out.

Again, though, thanks to everyone for the help, and for the positive feedback, too.