Creating a really good bad guy

I'm deep into a serious rethink of one of my novels as a result of a critique by Lou Aronica, a top editor/publisher. A main focus is a primary antagonist. Lou says he's not strong enough or smart enough to be an interesting character, and I have finally understood that he's right.

This WIP is the first novel I wrote (5 novels ago) and I'll admit that the bad guys were created just to be bad, just to attack the good guys. I didn't like the bad guys, and I didn't want my readers to like them either. So all of their characteristics are unlikeable -- weak, corrupt, greedy, cowardly, dishonest, arrogant, and not all that bright.

Cartoony, to be honest. I couldn't see that then, but a light turned on a week or so ago. So here I am, faced with what to do with this cartoonishly nasty, inept, cowardly guy.

An aha experience arrives

Finally it hit me. I need to treat the antagonist like a protagonist. After all, he's the protagonist in his story, right? He believes in what he does, and that he's doing the right thing. It doesn't matter, at this moment, that I disagree with him or that the things he will do are evil. What matters is that for him they are the right thing to do, and that his cause is just. We're all like that, aren't we? Even when we do something we know is wrong, we do it anyway because, at that moment in our lives, it's the right thing to do. Think of that last piece of chocolate pie you knew you shouldn't have eaten. . .

Bad guys don't think of themselves as bad guys. They're the heroes. So a narrative that intimates this person is bad and what he's doing is nefarious isn't true to character. And it's character that makes a novel interesting and convincing.

I'm sure I've read advice on thinking about an antagonist in this way, but I never internalized it. Once this epiphany finally hit -- and I'm sure that for many of you this is old hat -- I started thinking again about how to open the scene that introduced my good/bad guy. The way the narrative delivers what he thinks and does shouldn't signal that he or his actions are evil because they're not, to him. And if the reader starts out feeling some empathy for this guy and his goals, then the arc of his story will be bigger and more dramatic.

Also, the smarter and stronger my bad guy is, the stronger the conflict, and the stronger my protagonist will be when he finally wins. Greater conflict! Bigger stakes!

The point is, once I viewed the world from inside his (now smarter) head, even my word choices changed. The way he reacts to people and events in his world changed. From his viewpoint, I was able to see my good guy as a bad guy.

Holy schizophrenia!

My first 16 lines are below, fresh out of my brain cells. This is a very raw first draft and will likely change or could even be discarded. My goal is that the person you're meeting here doesn't bellow BAD GUY. I'd appreciate your comments.

Kurt Dengler aimed the Colt .45 automatic at Noah Stone's face, cocked the hammer, and squeezed the trigger.

On the cover of TIME magazine, beneath the headline "Pied Piper of the West," Stone smiled up at the Colt's muzzle. The firing pin clicked on the empty chamber, and there was no hole in the enemy of freedom's forehead.

So much for wishful thinking.

Kurt used his cell phone to call the number only he, the First Lady, and the Secret Service had. The president's gravelly voice said, "Hey, Kurt."

"We need to talk about a problem that needs to go away, Mr. President."

Leo chuckled. "You're my chief of staff, why don't you see if you can work you in?"

Not in the Oval Office, not with all those microphones. "Remember when we were kids, plannin' to run away?"

"All right. The garden. Now's good."

Kurt placed the gun back on a plaque that displayed a Bronze Star medal and a brass plate that read, "Major Jefferson T. Dengler." His grandfather hadn't made it home from World War II, but his heroism and his sidearm had. Kurt used his tie to polish away a fingerprint, snatched up the TIME and the new polls, and left his West Wing office for the Rose Garden.

Would you turn the page?

And tell me this: does this narrative telegraph antagonist, or could he just as well be a protagonist?

I have to say, it's great to be able to talk to you guys about this kind of stuff because you understand. And talking about it helps clarify my own thinking. If it helps yours, even better.

For what it's worth.

Comments, anyone?

Ray

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[John]

From a readers's perspective, I had a problem with your opening two paragraphs. I had to re-read the second paragraph to figure out what's going on, only to find out I'd been tricked by the author. It seems to me the best witers are truthful with the reader. There's nothing wrong with withholding information, in fact it's often necessary, but that's where the art of writing comes to play, revealing crucial nuggets at the right time and the right place and in a way that doesn't leave the reader feeling cheated.

I'm also wondering why you threw in the bit about the grandfather. Is he, or is his past, an important part of the stroy. If not, why include this hint of a backstory on you first page?

For me, both of these issues were distracting and interrupted the flow. Whether or not Kurt is the hero or villian didn't matter to me at this point.

As for how you introduce your antagonist, I see nothing wrong with showing him as the person he really is. As just one example, John Sandford begins some of his books with an opening chapter that leaves no question about the unredeeming qualities of the bad guy. It all depends on the story.

[Russ]

Ray,
Absolutely. You cock the hammer either way. The only way to feed a round into the chamber is with the slide.
I sure hope this is a pro gun piece!

[Ray Rhamey]

Thanks, Russ, very helpful. Actually, you could see this as both pro- and anti- guns. One issue in the novel is gun violence versus the need for self defense. The solution offered is non-lethal defensive weapons that people are encouraged to carry, and an approach to getting rid of lethal firearms, which really aren't necessary in our society, in my view.

[Sheila]

I just got back from vacation and this post made me laugh because it is exactly what I came home thinking about. We were visiting family in Florida and made a stop in Orlando to take the kids to Disneyworld. We don't plan anything so we found ourselves without a place to eat for dinner until there was a last minute cancellation at a restaurant that offered dinner with Disney characters. My kids are a bit old for that, but we were hungry, so we went.

Cinderella was a complete bore, as was her prince. But the evil stepmother and stepsisters were an absolute kick! Snide, sarcastic, rude, self-absorbed, they were so much more entertaining. You wanted the bad guys to come back in the room. I came back thinking what fun it was going to be to tweak my villains a bit.

Now, about your lines. I agree with Jon that you should put forth his sense of self righteousness first, and then end with the violence because then we can all relate to his feeling of frustration. With the violence first I was left thinking, "what's this guy's problem?"

I'm sure everyone, at some time, has had the feeling of "how can people be so stupid?" that Kurt is feeling when he sees the cover of the magazine. His grandfather died to protect our freedom and now people are admiring a man who is the enemy of freedom (in his eyes). Do you know what I mean? It's not just his feelings toward Noah. I think he would be angry at his followers as well. I know you can portray that feeling better than I am trying to describe it.

Perhaps begin with him lifting his heroic-grandfather's gun and then build on that. His grandfather was a hero who made the ultimate sacrifice and, like him, Kurt is doing his best to serve and protect his country. I liked the way you showed this with the care he takes with that momento, not wanting even a fingerprint to smudge it.

I didn't quite get the "Pied Piper" reference. I know the fairy tale - that he led the rats out of town and when the villagers refused to pay him he took their children for revenge. Is there another connotation that I'm missing? Knowing that Noah Stone is your hero, I wasn't sure what to make of this, because I never thought of the Pied Piper as a nice guy.

Good luck!

[Terri]

I kept trying to turn the page but nothing happened! WAHHH! I want to go to the meeting in the garden with the president and find out what's next . . .

Seriously, I am a huge fan of political thrillers. This started off with that voice and I was intrigued. The changes proposed by some of the comments didn't improve it in my opinion. I liked the terse clipped style and was ready for more.