Creating a really good bad guy

I'm deep into a serious rethink of one of my novels as a result of a critique by Lou Aronica, a top editor/publisher. A main focus is a primary antagonist. Lou says he's not strong enough or smart enough to be an interesting character, and I have finally understood that he's right.

This WIP is the first novel I wrote (5 novels ago) and I'll admit that the bad guys were created just to be bad, just to attack the good guys. I didn't like the bad guys, and I didn't want my readers to like them either. So all of their characteristics are unlikeable -- weak, corrupt, greedy, cowardly, dishonest, arrogant, and not all that bright.

Cartoony, to be honest. I couldn't see that then, but a light turned on a week or so ago. So here I am, faced with what to do with this cartoonishly nasty, inept, cowardly guy.

An aha experience arrives

Finally it hit me. I need to treat the antagonist like a protagonist. After all, he's the protagonist in his story, right? He believes in what he does, and that he's doing the right thing. It doesn't matter, at this moment, that I disagree with him or that the things he will do are evil. What matters is that for him they are the right thing to do, and that his cause is just. We're all like that, aren't we? Even when we do something we know is wrong, we do it anyway because, at that moment in our lives, it's the right thing to do. Think of that last piece of chocolate pie you knew you shouldn't have eaten. . .

Bad guys don't think of themselves as bad guys. They're the heroes. So a narrative that intimates this person is bad and what he's doing is nefarious isn't true to character. And it's character that makes a novel interesting and convincing.

I'm sure I've read advice on thinking about an antagonist in this way, but I never internalized it. Once this epiphany finally hit -- and I'm sure that for many of you this is old hat -- I started thinking again about how to open the scene that introduced my good/bad guy. The way the narrative delivers what he thinks and does shouldn't signal that he or his actions are evil because they're not, to him. And if the reader starts out feeling some empathy for this guy and his goals, then the arc of his story will be bigger and more dramatic.

Also, the smarter and stronger my bad guy is, the stronger the conflict, and the stronger my protagonist will be when he finally wins. Greater conflict! Bigger stakes!

The point is, once I viewed the world from inside his (now smarter) head, even my word choices changed. The way he reacts to people and events in his world changed. From his viewpoint, I was able to see my good guy as a bad guy.

Holy schizophrenia!

My first 16 lines are below, fresh out of my brain cells. This is a very raw first draft and will likely change or could even be discarded. My goal is that the person you're meeting here doesn't bellow BAD GUY. I'd appreciate your comments.

Kurt Dengler aimed the Colt .45 automatic at Noah Stone's face, cocked the hammer, and squeezed the trigger.

On the cover of TIME magazine, beneath the headline "Pied Piper of the West," Stone smiled up at the Colt's muzzle. The firing pin clicked on the empty chamber, and there was no hole in the enemy of freedom's forehead.

So much for wishful thinking.

Kurt used his cell phone to call the number only he, the First Lady, and the Secret Service had. The president's gravelly voice said, "Hey, Kurt."

"We need to talk about a problem that needs to go away, Mr. President."

Leo chuckled. "You're my chief of staff, why don't you see if you can work you in?"

Not in the Oval Office, not with all those microphones. "Remember when we were kids, plannin' to run away?"

"All right. The garden. Now's good."

Kurt placed the gun back on a plaque that displayed a Bronze Star medal and a brass plate that read, "Major Jefferson T. Dengler." His grandfather hadn't made it home from World War II, but his heroism and his sidearm had. Kurt used his tie to polish away a fingerprint, snatched up the TIME and the new polls, and left his West Wing office for the Rose Garden.

Would you turn the page?

And tell me this: does this narrative telegraph antagonist, or could he just as well be a protagonist?

I have to say, it's great to be able to talk to you guys about this kind of stuff because you understand. And talking about it helps clarify my own thinking. If it helps yours, even better.

For what it's worth.

Comments, anyone?

Ray

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[H. L. Dyer]

I would definitely turn the page.

And I couldn't tell you from this opening whether Kurt is the antagonist or an edgy protagonist.

I think you did just what you wanted to do. :)

[Jon]

Yep, I'd turn it.

The shooting--no matter if its in effigy--paints a picture of a man who sees no problem with violence as a solution to a problem. This is inherently a negative connotation (at least to me), painting him as someone I'm not going to like very much. Paired with the "wishful thinking" line it's a very negative (for me) first impression.

I don't get the "Remember when we were kids..." line, but I'm not sure I'm supposed to; it's clearly an in-reference. Not sure what it has to do with the garden, but I'll take it on faith that they understand their own code.

I won't nitpick on text edits, given that this is still in an embryonic form.

Some broader suggestions, if you want them? While you have a dramatic and memorable opening, if you want this guy to come across as someone more admirable than not, you might want to have him exhaust more-moral means before "needing" to resort to murder, symbolic or otherwise. With this goal, I might have started in the Rose Garden, with Kurt and Leo being frustrated that all their (Legal) maneuvering was going for naught, and Noah Stone was CLEARLY hell for the country and why couldn't people see that?

Right now, you have him showing violence first, and hate--only at the end of the 16 do you get into his patriotism and sense of history. I'd reverse that to lead with something admirable.

HTH!

-j

[Wendy]

I'm of two minds about this one, actually. A man with a gun, in and of himself, telegraphs neither "hero" nor "villain" to me, so that's nicely vague. But I wanted to know his reasons for wanting to shoot Mr. Stone - more than that, to identify with those reasons. I wanted to see his admirable qualities up front, just as you would with a protagonist.

I grappled a little with all the information in the second paragraph, so here's my attempt at rearrangement:

"Kurt Dengler aimed the Colt .45 automatic at the face of the enemy of freedom, cocked the hammer, and squeezed the trigger.

The firing pin clicked on the empty chamber, and Noah Stone, the "Pied Piper of the West", smiled up at Dengler from the cover of TIME magazine, with no hole in forehead."

This modified opening makes Dengler look almost heroic in this first sentence, and the object of his desired violence seems to deserve it, being the enemy of freedom and all.

I first thought that Kurt was a Secret Service agent, but his history with the president is making me rethink that idea. I am intrigued, and would turn the page.

For what it's worth. :)

[kathy]

Since we don't know anything about Noah Stone he could be the bad guy and Kirt is the hero by eliminating him.
I would turn the page

[Gypsy]

Having read the previous version, I do like the new insight into Kurt that this offers. I still see him as a bad guy but now he comes across as having his own well meant intentions for his actions.

[Richard Mabry]

Ray,

Good point. In this scene, the antagonist/protagonist identity isn't revealed yet, and I think it could go either way. I'd turn the page.

I know this was a rough draft, but I'd polish it this way. (My turn. Hee hee hee.)

Kurt Dengler aimed the Colt .45 automatic at Noah Stone's face, cocked the hammer, and squeezed the trigger.

From the cover of TIME magazine, Stone smiled up at the Colt's muzzle, his face grinning beneath the headline, "Pied Piper of the West.” The firing pin clicked on an empty chamber. No hole appeared in the forehead of the enemy of freedom.

Kurt sighed. So much for wishful thinking.

He punched a single digit on his cell phone, calling a number only he, the First Lady, and the Secret Service had.

A gravelly voice answered. "Hey, Kurt."

"There’s a problem that needs to go away, Mr. President. We need to talk."

"You're my chief of staff, why don't you see if you can work you in?"

Not in the Oval Office, not with all those microphones. "Remember when we were kids, plannin' to run away?"

"All right. The garden. Now's good."

Kurt laid the gun carefully beside a plaque displaying a Bronze Star above a brass plate that read simply "Major Jefferson T. Dengler." Kurt’s grandfather hadn't made it home from World War II, but his heroism and his sidearm had.

A quick swipe of his tie served to polish away any fingerprints. Then Kurt snatched up the TIME and the new polls and left his West Wing office for the Rose Garden.

[Jon]

>>From the cover of TIME magazine, Stone smiled up at the Colt's muzzle, his face grinning beneath the headline, "Pied Piper of the West.” The firing pin clicked on an empty chamber. No hole appeared in the forehead of the enemy of freedom.

It occurs to me that the below might be an even better arrangement:

The firing pin clicked on an empty chamber. No hole appeared in the forehead of the enemy of freedom. From the cover of TIME magazine, beneath the headline "Pied Piper of the West," Stone smiled up at the Colt's muzzle.

[Jon]

(Oh, and a side question. I know that you don't typically cock the hammer of an automatic--instead, you work the slide to cock it. Is the Colt .45 auto different in that respect? I can't seem to find a definitive answer online...)

[Russ]

No the Colt .45 is not different in that respect. Under normal use when the chamber is empty, you draw the slide back to feed and cock the hammer. After the cartiage fires it auto loads and you can pull the trigger until empty. But if you want to carry conceled with a round in the chamber you would draw the slide back feeding a round and cocking the hammer, then VERY carefully lower the hammer manually. Then to fire all you have to do is pull the hammer back to fire.

[Ray Rhamey]

Thanks for the clarification, Russ. And you, Jon, for your continued thoughts--that paragraph is the one most people focus on, thus so will I.

Russ, I was assuming that on an empty Colt .45 automatic that you could just cock the hammer as opposed to pulling the slide. Sounds like you can do either.

Right?

Thanks again, all you commenters.

Ray