Flogometer for Sheila: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Sheila's first 16 lines of a fantasy novel:

Hightower knew, he knew, he couldn't kill his apprentice, and yet it would be so simple and so very satisfying. Why, just now, as their horses crossed the bridge into Rudyten, one swift kick would send the boy into the raging water below. And Edric was leaning over, gawking at the river. It took tremendous self-control for Hightower to keep his boot in its stirrup while Edric's incessant jabbering droned on.

" . . . and look at this bridge, three elegant arches followed by a drawbridge. Do they ever raise it? I bet not, who would dare attack this city? Look at that wall, there must be fifty, nay, a hundred towers around it, though I can't see the whole thing. This city is so vast. I've heard . . ."

Hightower seethed in silence as Edric babbled on, oblivious to the fact that his observations had no audience. The master felt his hands cramping and realized that his whole body was tense. Stupid boy!

After a deep breath Hightower calmed himself, noting, with annoyance, that it wasn't Edric's fault he was on edge. Hightower hadn't been back to Rudyten since his rival's confirmation ceremony years ago. Now, the prospect of revenge filled him with glee and trepidation, an agitating mixture.

A turn of the page for Sheila

A prickly, interesting character and a strong story question got me to turn the page. The voice is nice as well, inviting me to believe that there's more good writing to come. Yet I think this could be stronger. There's a little "telling" here, and some tightening is possible.

Hightower knew, he knew, he couldn't kill his apprentice, and yet it would be so simple and so very satisfying. Why, just now, as their horses crossed the bridge into Rudyten, one swift kick would send the boy into the raging water below. And Edric was leaning over, gawking at the river. It took tremendous self-control for Hightower to keep his boot in its stirrup while Edric's incessant jabbering droned on. (I just didn't care for the repetitive "he knew" in the opening sentence. And I think that "It took tremendous self-control…" is telling. Can you slip into the character's mind and express it from within? Thought-starter: Hightower took a firm grip on the impulse and reined it in. His boot stayed in the stirrup while Edric's incessant jabbering droned maddeningly on.)

" . . . and look at this bridge, three elegant arches followed by a drawbridge. Do they ever raise it? I bet not, who would dare attack this city? Look at that wall, there must be fifty, nay, a hundred towers around it, though I can't see the whole thing. This city is so vast. I've heard . . ." (Now I have some sympathy for Hightower's murderous impulse. Nice.)

Hightower seethed in silence as Edric babbled on, oblivious to the fact that his observations had no audience. The master felt his hands cramping and realized that his whole body was tense. Stupid boy! ("The master felt…" is stepping out of Hightower's point of view and is the author telling us stuff. He wouldn't be thinking of himself in that way at this time. Once again, get inside the character and give us his experience. For example: His rein hand cramped, and as he stretched his fingers he realized that his whole body was tight. Stupid boy!)

After a deep breath, Hightower calmed himself, noting, with annoyance, that; it wasn't Edric's fault he was on edge. Hightower hadn't been back to Rudyten since his rival's confirmation ceremony years ago. Now, the prospect of revenge filled him with glee and trepidation, an agitating mixture. (I think "noting, with annoyance" is more telling, an authorial intrusion. Not needed, IMO. "After a deep breath" seemed like the long way around to saying "He took a deep breath and calmed…etc. Still, quite a nice story question in that last sentence.)

Excellent start here. Sheila needs to watch out for spots where she tells rather than shows the experience -- they distance us from the character, even subliminally. I rather liked the darkness of this character and his arrogant irritability, and read on to see what he would do. The rest of the chapter didn't disappoint, storywise.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kitty]

Judging by the names, I don't read this genre, but I absolutely LOVED this beginning!

Ray's edits do make it stronger.

Well done :~)

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[Aredendra]

I just wanted Shelia to know that the second I read the first line, I smiled. I had the instant impulse that this would be a great read.

Just as a small after thought, I actually did agree with the author's original secondary 'he knew' staying present, but I personally would throw some italics on it to give it that little bit of somethin'.

[Jessica]

Me? I loves the prickly main characters. Excellent, clear, clean writing. Love it!

[Kathleen]

This story has a funny voice that engaged me from the start. I usually don't read fantasy, but I would stay with this one because of the mixture of suspense and humor. I love the relationship that's established between these two and how the writer hints at the novel's central plot. Ray's edits make the strong writing even stronger.

[Sheila]

Thank you, Ray, and thanks to everyone who commented. I really appreciate the feedback. I had abandoned this work a while ago, mostly because of "fantasy fatigue" but also because it felt flat. It was written in an omniscient voice, and once I changed to close third person not only was it more fun to write, but it really improved the story-telling. Details I had struggled to come up with came naturally when I saw things through my characters' eyes.

Thanks for that great lesson, Ray!

[Kamila Miller]

Oops, for some reason the post didn't take ...

The one bit Ray didn't mention that clunked for me was the apprentice's dialogue about the bridge. It sounded too much like author description/intrusion than real yammering. Other than that, I like!

[Jon]

New here. Love the concept for the site. Thanks to Ray for the opportunity for submitters and reading-writers.

Might I jump in? (I'll assume a 'yes' :o) )

Sheila, I mostly liked this. Could use a bit of structure-work (IMO), but I liked it. Up to the last paragraph, I would have read on; the last paragraph gave me some doubt.

Forgive my edits? Perhaps something like this would help?

Hightower couldn't kill his apprentice.

Too bad, really. It would be so simple, and so very satisfying. Why, just now, as their horses crossed the bridge into Rudyten, one swift kick would send the boy into the raging water below. Edric was leaning over, gawking at the river. Hightower's boot quivered in its stirrup as Edric incessant jabbering droned on.

" . . . and look at this bridge, three elegant arches followed by a drawbridge. Do they ever raise it? I bet not, who would dare attack this city? Look at that wall, there must be fifty, nay, a hundred towers around it, though I can't see the whole thing. This city is so vast. I've heard . . ."

Hightower seethed in silence as Edric babbled on, oblivious. The master's hands were cramped. His whole body was tense. Stupid boy!

Hightower breathed deep to calm himself.

It wasn't Edric's fault he was on edge, truth be told. It was [NAME]'s.

Hightower hadn't been back to Rudyten since [NAME]'s confirmation as [whatever], damn his inadequate eyes. With revenge at hand, a heady brew of glee and trepidation coursed through Hightower's veins.

It was downright agitating, was what it was.

>>

Hightower couldn't kill his apprentice.

Too bad, really.

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This carries the same sentiment as the original, but dramatizes it.

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Hightower's boot quivered in its stirrup

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Leaves the reader to read what s/he wants to into this.

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Hightower seethed in silence as Edric babbled on, oblivious. The master's hands were cramped. His whole body was tense.

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First, cut "to the fact..." because it was unnecessary.

Second, pulled out the "felt" bits because they were distancing. There are valid reasons for having a distant narrator, but that narrator should add something to the story; in this case, the distance was only adding distance at a time when you presumably want the reader to engage with/feel close to Hightower.

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Hightower breathed deep to calm himself.

It wasn't Edric's fault he was on edge, truth be told. It was [NAME]'s.

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The original: "After a deep breath Hightower calmed himself, noting, with annoyance, that it wasn't Edric's fault he was on edge."

introduces lots of distancing: first, using sequencing ("after...calmed") tends to make readers puzzle at sequences instead of engaging; next, the "noting, with annoyance" bit intruded the narrator; last, "...that it wasn't Edric's fault" overexplains things and swells that narrator's involvement.

The rest of what I did to that last paragraph was along the same tack. If the goal is to ask the reader to identify closely with a character, then introducing a further perspective may work counter to that.

Hope this is useful!

-j

[Sheila]

Jon, you completely nailed the voice/attitude I was aiming for in the first sentence. Great advice, I really appreciate it!

[Jon]

No problem, Sheila.

One thing to note--sometimes you may -want- that distance. It's a tool in the box; use it as seems appropriate. But be aware when you're using it, and what you hope to accomplish with it--that way you can test it against your readers to find out if you succeed or not.