Flogometer for Scott: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Scott's first 16 lines:

The man arched his back and strained against the straps binding him to the bed.

"I'm worried he's going to break those wristlets, Dr. Randall. You can see how strong he is."

"We'll try not to let that happen. What's his name?"

"He told them Gabriel Lucifer in the ER. He's been here before, though. His real name's Raymond Johnson."

Raymond Johnson fixed directly on Randall and bellowed, "Jesus was the son of GOD! Jesus was the son of MAN! SATAN was an ANGEL! I can see it, and they can't stop me seeing it!" His voice was hoarse.

"Who are they, Mr. Johnson?"

"You know who they are! Don't you let them poke out my eyes! Don't you let them poke out my eyes!"

Too bad Raymond Johnson wasn't competent to consent for research. He would be perfect for the refenterine study. Being in restraints was kind of a tip-off. Still, maybe after he stabilized.

"We're not going to poke out your eyes, Mr. Johnson. I am a doctor. So is Dr. Peck, over there. Laura is a nurse. I can see you're feeling pretty bad, and we want to help you feel …

Despite interesting elements, I wasn't compelled

Craft issues stayed my hand. As I've noted before, editors and agents are highly sensitive to signs that the writing in a story won't be the crisp, professional ride that they need to find. It's the same with me. So, while there are promising story elements, I wasn't moved. Some notes:

The man arched his back and strained against the straps binding him to the bed.

"I'm worried he's going to break free those wristlets, Dr. Randall. You can see how strong he is." (Who is speaking? In these first lines, the point of view character is never established. The cuts were of what I felt were over-writing. It's implicit that the man is strong if there's worry that he will break free, and the other person there should be able to see it.)

"We'll try not to let that happen. What's his name?" (Who is speaking? I thought the first sentence was a fairly silly thing to say about an apparently violent patient. The narrative is showing signs of wandering, of not staying focused on story, IMO.)

"He told them Gabriel Lucifer in the ER. He's been here before, though. His real name's Raymond Johnson." (Once again, who the heck is speaking? And how about an action beat in here to break up the string of quotes.)

Raymond Johnson fixed directly on Randall and bellowed, "Jesus was the son of GOD! Jesus was the son of MAN! SATAN was an ANGEL! I can see it, and they can't stop me seeing it!" His voice was hoarse. (If you want the reader to hear that the man's voice is hoarse, that clue needs to come before he speaks. I'm not sure that "bellowed" is needed, what with all the CAPS and exclamation points. However, one way to work in his voice might be: Raymond Johnson fixed on Randall. He filled his lungs and bellowed, his voice hoarse, "Jesus…etc.)

"Who are they, Mr. Johnson?" (Still no indication of who is talking. If this is Randall, then give him an action beat before he talks to the man. Even something as simple as this: Dr. Randall leaned closer, still careful to keep his distance. Something like this also establishes him as the point of view character because we understand that he is being careful.)

"You know who they are! Don't you let them poke out my eyes! Don't you let them poke out my eyes!"

Too bad Raymond Johnson wasn't competent to consent for research. He would be perfect for the refenterine study. Being in restraints was kind of a tip-off. Still, maybe after he stabilized. . . (Because a point of view character has not been established, we don't know who this internal monologue is coming from. I added ellipses at the end because it was clearly a thought that trailed off.)

"We're not going to poke out your eyes, Mr. Johnson. I am a doctor. So is Dr. Peck, over there. Laura is a nurse. I can see you're feeling pretty bad, and we want to help you feel …(Still no dialogue indication. I see no need to refer to Dr. Peck, seeing as how the scene hasn't been set and we don't know that he's there. I assume Laura is the other person who has been talking. We should know that by now, in my view.

So those are some of the craft issues that stopped me. They were reflected in the later narrative -- lack of clarity, overwriting were of concern. Scott almost certainly has an interesting story to tell, and I think he can get there as he writes and rewrites his way up the learning curve.

By the way, Scott, I thought a better opening might have been the alarm ringing and the patient in the refenterine study.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kitty]

I just assumed that an ER nurse and doctor were speaking. That's the way it read to me.

I like Ray's edits. If I read this much standing in B&N, I'd turn the page. Whether I'd buy the book has yet to be determined.

...

[Scott]

Thank you, Kitty. I found Ray's comments very helpful too. Now it seems so clear. Of course the pov character needs to be established right away. I looked back at a half dozen of my favorite books and every author did that in the first or second sentence. I'm reworking the first lines of every chapter.

I especially liked the "careful" suggestion. Expressing a feeling seems like a very deft way of setting up pov.

[JanW]

I really wanted to like this because of the outburst about Jesus and the unknown 'they' who the character is obviously afraid of. And the lack of identity of the chatting characters really didn't bother me all that much. I had a sensation of a Twilight Zone episode where the health folks are behind masks. If this was from the restrained patient's pov, I could live with the not knowing, as he wouldn't know who they are either.

Play, Scott. Try different POVs until you get the effect you want.

One thing that took me out of the story was the mention of 'refenterine study'. The word stopped me to wonder if I should know what that was, or if it was a sci-fi something or a medication or a procedure or ?? If the piece is in the Raymond pov, he could also be wondering those things, fearful, possibly relating the term to something from 'them', another threat.

[Sheila]

I was hooked until this sentence - "We're not going to poke out your eyes, Mr. Johnson. I am a doctor. So is Dr. Peck, over there. Laura is a nurse. I can see you're feeling pretty bad . ."

Let me address each nit-pick I had about this sentence. First, Dr. Peck pops up for the first time "over there." What is he doing "over there?"

"Laura is a nurse" - I don't think a doctor would point this out. I guess I would like him to say something like, "you are in a hospital, you're safe, we're here to help you."

"I can see you're feeling pretty bad" - this also didn't sound like something a doctor would say. I wanted him to tell Raymond why he was in the ER, since that is what I want to know, too. A doctor would deal with facts - "You have had a seizure and have three broken ribs." Or "you have no discernible injuries, and we had to restrain you because the ER team was worried you would injure yourself or others."

Good luck!

[petronella]

I'd keep reading if only to confirm my suspicions that Raymond is no longer in the ER. I like to find out what will happen to him.

[Scott]

This is fun. Thanks, guys.

To Jan W: This is supposed to be a thriller, and David Randall the hero, so I had meant to get into Randall's pov. Here's how it starts today:

The man was arching his back and straining against the straps that bound him to the bed. Dr. David Randall edged through the seclusion room doorway, moving carefully. Evidently the man had been spitting. The nurse was wearing gloves, gown, and mask.
“How long has he been here?” Randall asked.
“About an hour. They brought him upstairs just as the night shift was going off. I’m worried he’s going to break a wristlet, Dr. Randall. Like that big guy last month.”

Refenterine is a fictious psychiatric medication. I couldn't figure out how to say that here, without "infodumping" and distracting from the action, so hopefully it will pique at least some people's curiosity. The explanation comes out naturally later.

To Sheila: I'll have to find a better way to introduce Dr. Peck. Like maybe ...Randall gestured toward a young man who had been observing quietly from the foot of the bed...

To Petronella: Thanks. The patient has already moved from the ER to the psychiatric floor. I had taken that explanation out to speed things up. But it sounds like Ray believes most agents will stop reading if the scene is not set properly so now it's back (see above).

Raymond Johnson takes refenterine, recovers, and gets a job at the hospital. He's not a major character but he does turn out to be a nice guy with a playful sense of humor and he has a small role in Randall's escape from the villain.

[Ray Rhamey]

Brief editorial note, Scott. If you have Randall "edge" into the room, then it's redundant to say that he's "moving carefully" since "edged" has pretty much shown us that.

Luck,

Ray

[Sheila]

Scott - I think you want to avoid the passive voice in the first sentence. Instead of "The man was arching his back," try "the man arched his back and strained against the straps that bound him."

As for introducing Dr. Peck, perhaps Randall could enter the room, observing Dr. Peck wipe spit off himself. Two birds with one stone - the reason for the edging in and the introduction of Dr. Peck.

Good luck

[Scott]

Sheila, thanks for the spit suggestion. It's terrific.