Flogometer for Petronella: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. I

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Petronella's first 16 lines from a sci fi erotica novel:

I stood in the control center of the great Seedship, Alpha Primo, the First of Firsts. Behind me blazed the gateway through which I had entered the spherical space. n front of me a mobile form of the Alpha Primo paced in a semi circle, turning whenever he came up even with me. Like myself Alpha Primo was a synth in human form.

"What's all this?" I waved an arm at the bewildering scene before me. Ever changing shapes covered the wall, and a large structure that crackled and hissed filled the central space. I didn't understand how the ship worked, for I was, after all, a new-born synth, having been decanted a mere hour ago from the vat where I had taken form.

At first he did not answer me, and continued his incestant pacing. I repeated my question. He stopped and stared at me as if he were aware of my presence for the first time.

"Ah, Guardian," said Alpha Primo. "I have a special task for you. I want you to become human."

Had he forgotten my question already? I wanted to learn about the strange things I saw in front of me. I had no desire to become human.

"I'm a synth, how can I ever hope to be human? I can't become flesh."

"I want you to live like a human," he said, his dark eyes serious. "To that end you need a mate. It sorrows me that I have no template for a female synth, and I do not know how to make one.

Although interested, I didn't go for it

The writing is good, and because I'm a SF/fantasy reader, I was predisposed to turn this page. What stalled me? Some craft issues, and informational speed bumps that were vague and seemed unnecessary. Some notes:

I stood in the control center of the great Seedship, Alpha Primo, the First of Firsts. Behind me blazed the gateway through which I had entered the spherical space. In front of me a mobile form of the Alpha Primo paced in a semi circle, turning whenever he came up even with me. Like myself, Alpha Primo was a synth in human form. (A slip in clarity right away. First we're introduced to a mobile form of Alpha Primo, which was fine with me. But then we're told that Alpha Primo is a synth in human form. Which means that the "mobile form" is the same as the actual creature, and I don't think that's what the writer means. The part about pacing"in a semi circle, turning whenever he came up even with me" is overwriting, detail that is absolutely not needed and slows the pace. If you just say "pacing," the reader will fill in all that's needed to visualize the action. Worse, it's a sign of more overwriting to come.)

"What's all this?" I waved an arm at the bewildering scene before me. Ever changing shapes covered the wall, and a large structure that crackled and hissed filled the central space. I didn't understand how the ship worked, for I was, after all, a new-born synth, having been decanted a mere hour ago from the vat where I had taken form. (While I appreciate the effort to introduce the "new-born" aspect of this character in this way, two things bothered me. One was the vagueness of the visual he sees -- I don't "see" anything that makes any kind of sense to me. What does it have to do with how the ship worked? What does how the ship worked have to do with anything? As it turns out, nothing. This is more overwriting, in my view.)

At first he did not answer me, and continued his incestant incessant pacing. I repeated my question. He stopped and stared at me as if he were aware of my presence for the first time.(I cut all of this because it's just wasting my time as a reader. There's no reason for a stall like this. It doesn't build tension in the character because he feels none. Throat-clearing.)

"Ah, Guardian," said Alpha Primo. "I have a special task for you. I want you to become human." (Ah, at last, something really interesting.)

Had he forgotten my question already? I wanted to learn about the strange things I saw in front of me. I had no desire to become human. "I'm a synth, how can I ever hope to be human? I can't become flesh." (She had me going with a provocative statement, and then tried to divert me again. I think you need to keep the focus on what's going to matter to the protagonist. In this case, it's his mission to become human.)

"I want you to live like a human," he said, his dark eyes serious. "To that end you need a mate. It sorrows me that I have no template for a female synth, and I do not know how to make one. (Now this raises good story questions. If only it had come sooner.)

All of what I see as unnecessary information prevented a couple of things from making it to the first page that would have definitely helped moved me forward.

Alpah Primo said, "I have created nanomachines, which are stored and made in the organs hidden in the sacs below your linking organ. These machines will use a female human as a template to make a female synth."

"How will I get the machines on or in the female? Do the storage sacs detach?"

"You will mate with the female in the human manner. Once you have changed a female into a synth you shall bring her here, so that I may direct you to a sphere created special for you and your mate."

That section raises good story questions for me, especially an anticipation of who the female human will be and what's going to happen to her. Will an innocent person be changed into a machine?

Just as agent Lori Perkins says, "…your novel has to grab me on the first page, which is why we can reject you on the first page."

Thanks for sending this, Petronella, and keep at it. There's plenty of promise here.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Sheila]

I'm not much of a SF reader, so take my comments accordingly.

There were too many times when I had to take myself out of the narrative and think about what you wrote. That gets frustrating.

First of Firsts? Is that referring to the ship or the narrator? Is it a sentient ship? It has the name Alpha Primo, but so does the mobile form pacing in front of the narrator.

I had a little trouble imagining what a synth is. He has human form and emotions, apparently, because he gets annoyed when his question is ignored and he has no "desire" to become human. How is he not human? How is it that he knows what he knows after an hour of life? I hope you explain "synth" making at some point.

The description of synth-beings attacking women with their "linking organs" and nano-machine enhanced sperm made me laugh. I don't think that was what you were going for, though.

I think if you focus on the compelling action at hand, namely the synth's mission, and delete the details that don't support that action, this will be a clearer read.

Good luck.

[Kamila Miller]

I agree with a lot of what's been said so far. There's a real sense of melodrama here that I'd prefer to see scaled back. If the synth that runs the ship is doing something bad (which I think is obvious) I think he'd at least attempt to be more cagey. He might not state his purpose to the newborn synth, especially since it might be inclined to blabber about it to anyone who asks.
What are you doing?
Well, the main synth wants to become human so I have to do this.
The newborn synth, who I assume will be the primary pov character, is just going along so far and there's no conflict (except an ack, ew! from the reader.) What if, after being newborn, he gets attacked by this weird human-invading protocol? What if he tries to resist, and maybe confuses or partially thwarts the big bad synth?
Structurally (plot-wise) there may be some trouble with having the big bad synth be the one running the ship. Although I usually encourage folks to write what they want without regard to what's been 'done' I can't help but think of I, Robot, 2001 and other comparisons with an evil artificial intelligence that messes with humans for its own logical purposes. These works became compelling because of the characters and the life/death struggle. I'm not seeing that here (yet.)

On the plus side, I'm curious about the ship. Speaking of which, calling it the 'great' ship is another hint of melodrama, same as mighty. You may be better off hinting at the scale in a different way. Does it contain a city or several cities? Is it something closer to a style of ship that has a crew and passengers? Stuff to think about. I'm a little bothered by the name, though not too badly. I have a very difficult time with naming things so I've tried to turn naming into more of a science in order to get at compelling names that others appear to find naturally. One way is that I look at how ships in the real world are named. They're named after people, places, ideals, stuff like that. I then reverse-engineer my name. Would they name the ship after a famous person, an ideal, a hope, a place, a purpose? Alpha Primo is a pretty sterile name for a 'great' ship.

I hope my comments help!

[Kamila Miller]

Oops, I forgot to finish a thought. You might explore other options for the big bad. Do you really need it to run the ship, or can it be an important synth that's developed this weird Pinocchio-like obsession and is trying to run under the radar?
The idea of a robot/artificial intelligence wanting to become human in some fashion is an old idea as well, so you'll really have to work to make this fresh and interesting. I think by trying to drag an unwilling human into it and potentially causing them harm, you're well on your way toward making this all your own. How this all ends will be important to distinguish your story as well, so I hope you have themes in mind and big changes and growth ahead for the characters.

Good luck!

[Jessica]

It looks like an interesting story, but I was confused by the first paragraph, where the narrator was both standing aboard Alpha Primo and speaking to it in a different form. I think I'm still confused.

But I'd happily read the rest of the story.

[petronella]

Ray, thank you for the flogging, and thank you everyone for your comments. I have lots to think over.