Flogometer for Julian: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Julian's first 16 lines:

James felt a few drops of water on his face and being sure to keep his balance, he looked up at the sky. It had started to rain.

Although he was in distinct danger of falling, he couldn't help admiring the view. From the roof terrace it was incredible; a real selling point, a potential deal-maker, especially at night. It was getting dark, he could see the lights of London stretching in a wide band all the way from his left to his right and he made a mental note to try in future to arrange his clients' viewings during the evenings.

How had he got himself into such a mess?

He looked down. Seven floors below him he could see the street, a couple of parked cars and some rubbish bins and directly under him, illuminated by a single street light, there was a pile of rubble where he could just make out the form of the cat, which was lying motionless. As an estate agent he knew better than anyone how much first impressions counted and what with the rubble and all, the entrance to the apartment block would not make a good first impression.

Bizarrely, despite his precarious and dangerous predicament, he found himself recalculating his evaluation.

Here he was, he thought, like a fool, in the dark, standing on a ledge seven floors above street level, in distinct danger of falling and all he could think about was the price of the bloody apartment.

I turned the page
A good action story question was enough for me -- will he fall off? And why is he there, anyway. But there are some notes. . .

James felt a few drops of water on his face, and being sure to keep his balance, he looked up at the sky. It had started to rain. (I thought the "keep his balance" part was a nice, subtle way to introduce a low-key note of tension. I'm not a fan of "he or she felt," though. We've all been outdoors when it starts to rain, and I don't know that we need to look up at the sky to figure that out. For me, I think this could be cleaner and quicker. For example: A raindrop hit his face, and then another and another. He pressed against the wall, making sure to keep his balance. I think the first sentence in this thoughtstarter shows you that it's beginning to rain in a descriptive way.)

Although he was in distinct danger of falling, he couldn't help admiring the view. From the roof terrace it was had been incredible; a real selling point, a potential deal-maker, especially at night. It was getting dark, he could see the lights of London stretching in a wide band all the way from his left to his right and he made a mental note to try in future to arrange his clients' viewings during the evenings. (I adjusted the tense in the second sentence because it suggests that he's still on the roof terrace, and he's not.)

How had he got himself into such a mess? (I'd cut this. He knows exactly how this all happened, and it's a waste of narrative, in my view.)

He looked down. Seven floors below him he could see the street, a couple of parked cars and some rubbish bins. and directly under him, Illuminated by a single street light, there was a pile of rubble where he could just make out the form of the cat, which was lying motionless. As an estate agent, he knew better than anyone how much first impressions counted and what with the rubble and all, the entrance to the apartment block would not make a good first impression. (I highlighted "some" because it's a useless adjective in description. How many rubbish bins do you see as "some?" Who knows? Why not a specific number, or "a pair" to give a picture. The other cuts were bits of overwriting. Since he's already said that what we're seeing is below him, I saw no need to add the "directly under" -- the reader will get that. I suggest that Julian consider adding something such as "after its fall" at the end of the description of the cat, which slips in a little more tension-building information.)

Bizarrely, despite his precarious and dangerous predicament, he found himself recalculating his evaluation.

Here he was, he thought, like a fool, in the dark, standing on a ledge seven floors above street level, in distinct danger of falling and all he could think about was the price of the bloody apartment. (I'm willing to buy into the crazy things a panicked mind might do, so this worked for me, and now I know just how bad his situation is.)

As it turns out, this guy is murdered, but there's a nice bit of character building going on. Keep working, Julian, and aim to keep the narrative lean here in the opening. Thanks for sending your work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Wendy]

I'd have turned the page, because who isn't curious about the fate of man on a seventh-storey ledge? But I did think that the writing could be a lot tighter. The first part, I would change as follows:

"Careful of his balance, James looked skyward. It had started to rain.

Even from so precarious a perch, he couldn't help admiring the view. From the roof terrace it had been incredible: a real selling point, a potential deal-maker, especially at night..."

(This would help eliminate the repetition of "distinct danger of falling".)

The "he felt", "he could see", "he noticed" construction is fine if what is important is that he felt, or saw, or noticed something. In these paragraphs, though, that is mostly not the case, and leaving that construction out can strengthen the prose, e.g.:

"It was getting dark, and the lights of London stretched in a wide band from left to right. He made a mental note to arrange client viewings during the evenings in future."

"He looked down. Seven floors below, on the street, a couple of parked cars, some rubbish bins and a pile of rubble huddled in the glow a single street light; he could just make out the form of the cat, lying motionless, beside the rubble." (The "he could just make out..." works in this instance.)

Good work, Julian! As a tension-filled opening goes, a guy on a high ledge is a grabber. Some leaner narrative will grab and hold the reader. Thanks for putting your work out there!

[Sheila]

I would keep reading, too. And it's always a surprise when the first POV character gets killed. I like surprises like that.

The first sentence did seem to need a comma, but I'm not sure I would put it where Ray did. In my mind it would sound better coming after the "and." I know that is against convention, but it seems to sound better to my ear that way:

"James felt a few drops of water on his face and, being sure to keep his balance, he looked up at the sky."

Like Wendy, I didn't like the repetition of the phrase "distinct danger of falling." The "some" that Ray highlighted didn't bother me because if I were standing on a ledge looking down I wouldn't be counting the bins, I'd just have the general impression that there were a few down there.

"He found himself recalculating his evaluation." I found that sentence awkward until I guessed that "evaluation" may be the British term for "appraisal." Is it?

Overall, though, I enjoyed this. Thank you for sharing.

[Betsy]

I agree, with a little cleanup this would be a great opening. The only thing I didn't like that hasn't been mentioned yet is this paragraph:

"Bizarrely, despite his precarious and dangerous predicament, he found himself recalculating his evaluation"

First, the word "bizarrely" totally turned me off, and I even think "precarious and dangerous" could be chopped out, too, or at least one of them.

JMO

[Julian Gilbert]

Thanks for the great comments.
As usual your changes Ray are spot on and seem so obvious. I've read every flogging you've done in the archives and I'm a convert. Applying your rules works. I have a tendency to overwrite, use useless adverbs, tell, infodump and clear my throat. Now as I write the Ray in my head whispers to me. Thank God for the Delete key.
Thanks for your useful comments too Wendy. I could pretend the repetition of "distinct danger of falling" was a stylistic device but it wasn't. Truth is I didn't notice I'd repeated it which is worrying considering the amount of times I've reread it. So thank you for that. I also agree with you about "he felt/could see/notice" etc. Delete them all I'd say.
I agree with your placement of the comma Sheila although I remember something about being told at school we shouldn't use commas with "and" and "but". Is that a Brit thing?
Talking of which, you're right about "evaluation" being the British version of "appraisal". But it worries me it sounds wrong to non-Brits. Most readers wouldn't take the time to work out the meaning but the character and the book is set in London. So what should I do? Be authentic or make it easy for the readers? Any suggestions anyone?
A big thank you again to Ray for the site. I live in Poland where obviously there are no creative writing groups or courses to be found in English so this site is a Godsend.

[Julian Gilbert]

Thanks Betsy you're right. Why should I tell you it's bizarre? You might not think so.
"Despite his predicament, he found himself recalculating his evaluation."
Much better.

[Wendy]

Julian, the British word for "appraisal" (as in property) is actually "valuation", rather than "evaluation". And I think the monetary aspect of that will jump right out at any English-speaking reader, or at least not take any conscious thought to work out.

Cheers,
Wendy