Flogometer for Dennis: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This is a return visit for Dennis. He was flogged back in March. He's reworked the material. Dennis's first 16 lines of his prologue:

"He has awakened."

"Who?"

"The Nightbringer."

"I had hoped he was destroyed this time."

"He is eternal. He cannot be destroyed. Only defeated - temporarily banished."

"It has only been three thousand years. He should not be awake yet. The teachings say ten thousand years must pass before he can return."

"Not if he is summoned."

"None have that power."

"None that we are aware of."

"We are not ready for him. Not yet."

"No one is. There are no heroes left in the world today."

"We haven't needed any."

"We do now. Go. They must be made aware."

"I do not question your judgment, but are you certain these are the ones you wish? They seem a little… different from the norm."

As before, I turned the page.

As before, this tease worked for me. The sparseness is inviting, the reference to a need for heroes made me want more. The last time Dennis submitted this, we also looked at the first 16 lines of his first chapter to see if it met the criteria of compelling, and we will again. But first, a couple of notes:

"He has awakened."

"Who?"

"The Nightbringer."

"I had hoped he was destroyed this time." ("this time" seems like it ought to be "last time," as in had been destroyed last time.)

"He is eternal. He cannot be destroyed. Only defeated - temporarily banished."

"It has only been three thousand years. He should not be awake yet. The teachings say ten thousand years must pass before he can return."

"Not if he is summoned."

"None have that power."

"None that we are aware of."

"We are not ready for him. Not yet."

"No one is. There are no heroes left in the world today."

"We haven't needed any."

"We do now. Go. They must be made aware."

"I do not question your judgment, but are you certain these are the ones you wish? They seem a little… different from the norm."

Now here are the first 16 lines of the first chapter:

A whip cracked the air inches above his head, making him jump and causing the prisoners around him to fall to their knees. He knew from experience that if the wielder of the whip had wanted to, it could have very easily used it to gouge yet another trench in his already tattered back.

His blood ran freely from at least a dozen wounds, both on his back and his chest. His arms and shoulders were bruised and scraped from falling on the jagged mismatch of broken, slippery rock and sloppy red clay that made up the floor of this valley. Where this place was, or what awaited him, was as big a mystery to him as the stars in the sky.

He waited patiently until he felt those around him regain their feet. They had been marching like this for days now. How many days? He really didn't know… A week? Two weeks? A month? It could have been any of them. Nothing ever changed for them except where they were. That was the life of a prisoner.

Not just tossed into the local holding cell for drinking too much and getting into a fight prisoner, but an honest to Gods, captured by some unknown race, prisoner - and he was not alone. He was one of about fourteen people with their wrists lashed painfully together behind their backs and forced to march to only the Gods knew where.

This time I turned the page

Though there are some writing issues to deal with, this was a more compelling scenario. The previous version lapsed into backstory that stopped me. Some notes:

Now here are the first 16 lines of the first chapter:

A whip cracked the air inches above his head. , making him jump and causing the prisoners around him He lurched, and the pull on the chains brought the prisoners on either side to their knees. He knew from experience that if the wielder of the whip had wanted to, it could have very easily used it to gouge yet another trench in his already tattered back. (I suggested an alternative to "making him jump and causing" for clarity and pictorial purposes. To cause other prisoners to fall must mean they are chained together, but the narrative doesn't tell us that. Also, "prisoners around him" was vague. "Jumping" and "causing" didn't give much of a picture, so I tried to give one. Also, I'd like to learn the guy's name in the first sentence unless there's a story reason for withholding it.)

His blood ran freely from at least a dozen wounds, both on his back and his chest. He figured the wetness on his back was blood from whip wounds as well. His arms and shoulders were bruised and scraped from falling on the jagged mismatch of broken, slippery rock and sloppy red clay that made up the floor of this valley. Where this place was, or what awaited him, was as big a mystery to him as the stars in the sky. (If his blood ran "freely," he'd soon bleed to death. Also, he can't really know how many wounds are on his back and how freely the blood runs there. I added a thought-starter to help the reader know about his back.)

He waited patiently until he felt those around him regain their feet. They had been marching like this for days now. How many days? He really didn't know… A week? Two weeks? A month? It could have been any of them. Nothing ever changed for them except where they were. That was the life of a prisoner. (I didn't really understand the first sentence. Why did he need to feel them get to their feet? Is it dark? Waited patiently to do what? Continue marching? Though-starter: The line stopped until the fallen men regained their feet.)

Not He wasn't just a tossed-into-the-local-holding-cell-for-drinking-too-much-and-getting-into-a-fight prisoner, but an honest to Gods, captured-by-some-unknown-race prisoner -- and he was not alone. He was one of about fourteen people with their wrists lashed painfully together behind their backs and forced to march to only the Gods knew where. (Technically, you're using very long compound adjectives here, and I'd suggest rewording to avoid them. I liked that you were weaving in that he has been a violent drinker, but maybe it could be smoother. If he's been chained/tied to all these people for as long as it feels to him, he would surely have had enough time to count how many were there instead of guessing.)

As you can see, from a craft point of view, Dennis can make some improvements. But from a story point of view, this is much better than the first time around.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Thank you, Sheila, for your generous donation. Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jon]

In for a penny...

Before I go on, let me qualify: I'm blunt, but it's never personal and it's never judging the writer. I'm only about the words on the page and their affect on me as a reader, and what I might suggest to make me as a reader like the piece more. Feel free to ignore everything below; I'm just a big bag of lukewarm wind.

(Ray (or anyone else, but this is Ray's place), please let me know if I'm overstepping.)

That said...

The prolog isn't bad. It's a little been-there-seen-that (Glenn Cook's _Black Company_, among numerous others) in feel, but it's well enough written. I'd turn the page on the prolog, but only -very- hesitantly. The Hero Question (and the "different" question in the last line is what draws me on to the next line, presumably at the top of the next page. But I'm leery... are they going to be ragged peasants? RPGers from Earth? Mercenaries? Any of these, and I re-shelf it... tell me it's zombies or foot fetishists or a clan of spoiled princesses (or a clan of zombie foot-fetishist spoiled princesses) about to be shoved into action, and you've got a chance.

That said, the writing itself was effective, the sparse style compelling in and of itself; no complaints there.

On to the first sixteen of Chapter One.

This would have worked better for me without the prolog, but even spotting the book that, I still didn't love them.

With the prolog, having its expectation up against this scenario, I'm instantly in "okay, it's a fallen Someone in captivity... Bujold did that better in _Curse of Chalion_" (no offense intended; no one's going to do it better than Bujold did in _CoC_, IMO)

Without the prolog -or- with it, some other stuff came to mind.

The "some unknown race" comment also got me wondering if we're going to be in a bog-standard renamed-critters D&D story... I'd be reading forward trying to figure out if they were goblins or hobgoblins or orcs... the author would, I'm sure, rather have me wondering what's going to happen next.

Also, the fact that we're in, essentially, a white room (albeit one with traces and guards), with an essentially amnesiac MC, kinda set my teeth on edge.

What I'd recommend is a rewrite of this scene that involved upping the stakes and binding the reader to the character. Having the character sacrifice on behalf of another character, having the character watch a close friend being killed... something like that. Make me care about the things that are going on, in a way beyond the vague "slavery/forced marching is bad" sense, and you'll have a shot at engaging me in the story. As-is, this has the same feel to it as walking past a beggar on a streetcorner; I feel bad about it, but not enough to actually -do- anything.

Good luck with this!

-j

[Jon]

erf. "effect on me as a writer," of course.

[Jon]

oh, this -is- embarrassing.

-E-ffect on me as a -reader-

:: grumble ::

[Kamila Miller]

The opening is fine, though I would like more personality transmitted in the dialogue. It comes dangerously close to author intrusion because I would think that the two beings in the dialogue would both have equal information on the subject.

The slave thing is interesting but I have big setting questions that I want answered sooner rather than later. What era is this? Is it a generic pseudo-medieval, sand and sandals, modern Earth or some equivalent? Also, it sounds like the character is confused about where he is. That's fine, but since I don't know where he came from, his being confused about where he is becomes a problem to me as a reader. Is he a modern Earth person transported to an alien planet? Is he at least on a world familiar to him? I'm okay with having these questions unanswered for maybe another paragraph and then I'm liable to give up. I can't relate to someone I don't know at all.

[Sheila]

I think I prefer this without the prologue, which seemed a little cliche to me. I like opening with the prisoner because it immediately brings up great story questions.

A couple of things - why would he have bleeding wounds on his chest? This seems weird to me because who would be whipping him from the front? Also, you describe the wielder of the whip as "it," which I thought was a mistake until I read later that his captors are "creatures". Finally, the "That was the life of a prisoner" line felt odd to me. I can't exactly tell you why.

I also felt, like Kamila mentioned, that the setting needs to be clearer. Not the physical setting, but the story setting. The character has been captured by creatures he's unfamiliar with, which made me think sci-fi, but chains and whips seem a little medieval.

I would have read on to see where this is going, because it is an intriguing set up.

[Mikey]

Good writing, for the most part, but I'm nervous about the story. Seems kind of like a run of the mill fantasy story, so be careful to avoid tropes.