Flogometer for Anthony: would you keep reading?

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Out of it today.

I'm down with a fever this morning and don't think I'm thinking as clearly as I'd like to do a flogging. Tune in tomorrow or the next day.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Anthony's first 16 lines of his fantasy novel:

The red eyes bore him down.

Farnic looked through the swirling sand at the sandwolves. He knew they were out there, mere yards away from him, but couldn't see anything but their red eyes. They'd occasionally flash before him, stare, and then disappear, bodies blending in with the desert. They were circling, which meant an attack was imminent.

When the wind briefly died down, Farnic looked around for any sign of them, but found none. Why would they toy with us? He looked behind him, saw his brother grinning a bit -- the fool -- and Albres scowling. All this for some spices. It wasn't worth it.

They were about three miles away from the city, but the second sun was nearly all the way set, and the mules were scared and slow. If the sun goes down, we all die.

A sandwolf's howl pierced through the air, alone at first, and then its kin picked up the call. This was life. This was the Pass.

*

They were still howling. As the sky turned from that of a peach to that of a bruise, Farnic willed his mule to go faster. Every single spice and potion in the wagon better sellout.

His mother owned a medical shop, one of the best in the city. But to get most of the supplies…

I turned the page, but…

Attacking sandwolves will get me every time, so that part works just fine. I didn't, however, understand the time break with the asterisk -- it cost Anthony a valuable line of narrative on his first page. And there was no real need for it, in my view. With the threat there, keep throwing wolves at Farnic and company.

The "but" part of my reaction refers to the brief info dump that begins with the need to sell all the spices and his mother's ownership of a medical shop. Get them into the city and then tell me about that. Some notes and edits:

The red eyes bore him down. (While this is a grabber, I think it would have been even stronger if it included the fact that the eyes belonged to sandwolves. Why wait? It's more bait on the hook.)

Farnic looked through the swirling sand at the sandwolves. He knew they were out there, mere yards away from him, but couldn't see anything but their red eyes. They'd occasionally flash before him, stare, and then disappear, bodies blending in with the desert. They were circling; which meant an attack was imminent.

When the wind briefly died down, Farnic looked around for any sign of them, but found none. Why would they toy with us? He looked behind him, saw his brother grinning a bit -- the fool -- and Albres scowling. All this for some spices. It wasn't worth it. (I think something like "searched" would be stronger than "looked around." Albres turns out to be his mother, and I think that would be good to include here.)

They were about three miles away from the city, but the second sun was nearly all the way set, and the mules were scared and slow. If the sun goes down, we all die.

A sandwolf's howl pierced through the air, alone at first, and then its kin picked up the call. This was life. This was the Pass. (The struck statement clearly isn't the thinking of a guy threatened with being chewed to death, it's the author sticking his thumb into the pie. For me, it distracted. "Pierced the air" is a tired old phrase, and I'd urge something more original. And I'd include Farnic's reaction to it -- does he clench his sword hilt? Shiver? Have him react in some way.)

They were still howling. As the sky turned from that of a peach to that of a bruise, Farnic willed his mule to go faster. Every single spice and potion in the wagon better sell out. (I liked the "peach/bruise" description, but it seems like adding "the color of" would help with clarity. I cut the break and the "still howling" because I think it would be good to keep the tension high.)

His mother owned a medical shop, one of the best in the city. But to get most of the supplies… (As noted, this is no time to slip into exposition and backstory. This is a speed bump right where you don't need one.)

With the backstory lead-in, Anthony lapses into backstory and information. Were I him, I'd postpone most of that and get to this paragraph from the bottom of his second page:

Merish was a safe haven up ahead, but the entrances to the city closed at night and wouldn't open under any circumstances. They didn't have much longer before the second sun set-maybe a bell or two, at most-and still had quite a bit of riding to go. They were running out of time.

This raises the stakes and ups the tension, in my view. It sounds like a good world for a good story, Anthony, so keep at it. Just exercise your delete key on a regular basis and get that hook deeply seated before handing out backstory.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Bill]

Good setting, good drama, lots of promise. I would turn the page…if so many things didn’t bug me. What does “bore him down” mean? Does Anthony mean, “bore down on him” or “eyes bored into his (heart, soul, courage)”? Or “wore him down”?

If he can’t “see anything but their red eyes,” how can he look “through the swirling sand at the sandwolves”? How about “Farnic squinted at the swirling sands, trying to catch a glimpse of the sandwolves”? “Imminent” sounds like CNN.

IF the sun sets? Is the story set somewhere that the rising and setting of the sun(s) are a matter of chance? Does he mean something like “If we’re still out here when the sun sets…”? “All the way set,” is clumsy.

How about “A lone sandwolf's howl pierced the air…”? How about “had better sell out” instead of “better sellout”?

I really *want* to read on. But I won’t get far if I feel the author hasn’t thought things out: considered the meaning of every word and the logic of every description. You can do it, Anthony.

[Aredendra]

I only wanted to say that 'Farnic' appeared awkward when I first glanced at it. Considering it in connection with the setting, I read 'Frantic' the first few times and it caught me.

[Jessica]

I liked this. I thought the imagery was vivid and unique. There was tension there, not only with the sandwolves, but with the brother.

The first line bugged me. I think it reads better without it. I agree with Ray that separating the scenes does more harm than good.

This is a very exciting beginning to what sounds like an excellent story. Well done!

[JanW]

I'll disagree with Ray on the nixing of the punchy "This was life. This was the Pass."
I felt that set an acceptance of the harshness in this particular place and time. It made me think of the Khyber Pass [sp] in Afghanistan and how harsh it is.

I agree with the clumsiness of the opening line -- bore on him. Made me shake my head to try and figure it out.

I was also unclear how many characters there are: the narrator - is that Farnic? why does brother not have a name and who is Albres?

'wind briefly died down' also felt awkward. wind slowed? wind subsided for a moment?

good luck with it!

[Sheila]

I liked the feel of menace in the first sentence, but I agree with the others that it needs to be rewritten. Keep the menace, though.

Also, I think the third sentence "He knew they were out there . . but couldn't see anything but their red eyes" would sound better with another "he" in there, as in "but HE couldn't see anything but their red eyes."

If the wind died down I would imagine that visibility would improve. And since we're in the desert and there is no place to hide, how come he can't see the wolves? When mules are scared, don't they go faster, rather than slower? It sounds like their slowness is a result of being scared.

I have to agree with Ray about striking "This was life. This was the Pass." I think you can add that line later, perhaps after they've reached safety (if they do). But it clearly isn't what the main character would be thinking at this pivotal moment. And it pulls us away from the tension he should be feeling.

Good luck!

[Mai]

I'd have turned the page. The name Farnic got me, as did sandwolves, swirling sands, and so on. With tighter writing, which editing is going to accomplish, I'd buy it, too, because I like the feel of the setting and the way the story may develop. Did I mention I like the name Farnic? Good sound.