FtQ’s first Show v Tell Clinic

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Updates
1. I saluted you guys in a post on Writer Unboxed yesterday.

2. My take on the show v tell question is below. Thanks for your suggestions.

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Some time back, I wrote about how to show and when to tell, and at the end of the post said this:

Do you have something from your own work that you suspect is telling but you don't know how to show? Tell me about it and I'll see if I can help.

Now, two years later, a writer has finally taken me up on it. Kathy wrote,

I hope this offer is still open. I'd like to submit a couple of instances where a critiquer wanted me to show, not tell, and I'm flummoxed how to do so.

The answer is yes. But first, a plug. There was a litblogger known as Mad Max who retired his mouse a couple of years back, and it turned out that he was an executive editor at Penguin Putnam. He then moved on to become a literary agent at The Writers House. Here's what editor/agent Dan Conaway said in a comment on my show-tell post:

"While it'd be crazy to suggest that a writer's performance in the 'show don't tell' drill is what separates amateurs from Olympians, there's no doubt that internalizing Ray's wonderful encapsulation of the principle will improve the chances of a reader (like this grumpy editor, say) reading more than a single paragraph of your manuscript before tossing it on the scrap-heap."

Well, I for one hate to see a writer being flummoxed (great word). Then I had the idea of expanding her request into a "Show v Tell" clinic, and she said it was okay.

So here's the deal

In comments, share your thoughts about whether or not Kathy's critiquer was right about the need in these two examples, and then offer your suggestions for unflummoxing Kathy.

I will let it run for a day, and then add my own reactions in an update. If I may be so bold, you might want to read the post on how to show and when to tell before you jump in. Kathy's critiquer's notes are in red.

But first, a minor rant on "felt." As you'll see, Kathy's critiquer focused in on her use of felt. Felt is a passive, lazy verb that doesn't do much for picturing. An example from a sample sent to me:

She felt radiant.

I know that there are times when you must use that verb -- I have -- but it borders on "telling." If it's possible to describe the sensation in a more active way, I think it's better. For example, instead of "felt radiant," what about:

Joy filled her.

Or maybe there's an interesting way to use "felt:"

Her body felt like a smile

Okay, are you primed and ready? You've read how to show and when to tell? Then unflummox Kathy.

Sample 1)
Over the next two days, Julie found several ways to get Peter to pay attention to her. She dropped her books right next to him. He helped pick them up for her. Then she "twisted" her ankle near him. He supported her to the nurse's office. And carried her book bag for her after school.

Melissa felt show how she felt, not tell she was watching a drama play out in front of her that she couldn't stop.

What does Kathy need to do in that last paragraph, or is "felt" an appropriate way to express this narrative?

Sample 2)
To the brisk music, they jumped and whipped their legs together, landing in either a tight fifth or coupé each time, depending on the number of beats they did.

"Over cross the fifth in the air," Miss Sylvia told them.

Melissa felt show, don't tell uncoordinated as her feet spazzed through the moves. Most of the other students fumbled through the exercise as well. A few stopped after assemblé, bewildered.

Okay, please chime in, and then I'll add my thoughts.

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In my view, the first "felt" example isn't a show versus tell situation. The narrative is about her feeling as if something else were happening, and I think that part of the narrative works. If there's anything missing, it would be a little "show" on the emotions or reactions that sense of watching an unstoppable drama causes. Is she glad about it, or the opposite?

The second "felt" is definitely a tell that needs to be replaced. My first step would be to do as Stace suggested in her comment:

Melissa's feet spazzed through the moves.

That eliminates the telling of "felt" and shows the lack of coordination, and I think the reader will get it. However, it could be expanded a little to include more of the feelings, perhaps with something like this:

Melissa's feet spazzed through the moves like a beginner instead of someone who'd spent years in dance classes.

A word of caution on helping other writers out with things like this: while it's okay to offer completely new ideas and language, as an editor I seldom do extensive rewriting. It has to do with respecting the writer's voice. But constructive criticism about perceived shortcomings and direction on what and how to correct them is good stuff, and I'm sure Kathy has gained a great deal of valuable insight from your comments.

What about you?

Do you have instances in your work where you see a need to show versus telling and would like some ideas on how to do it? Email me with the piece as Kathy has along with permission to use it for a Show v Tell Clinic on FtQ and I'll get you some help.

For what it's worth,

Ray

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ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Sheila]

Here are some suggestions off the top of my head:
Sample 1 -

"Melissa watched this drama play out in front of her and she wanted to scream in frustration."

"Her chest tightened with the scream that wanted to escape every time she watched this drama play out in front of her."

"Her fists clenched as she watched these little scenes play out in front of her, but she managed to restrain herself until she got home. Once there, she took her frustration out on her pillow, punching it while chanting, 'I hate you, Julie.'" (I don't know how melodramatic your protagonist is.)

The second one is tougher, and I found I didn't mind the "felt" there. But then, I'm not familiar with ballet or what Melissa is trying to do.

This is a fun. Thanks for the lesson, Ray!

[Stace]

This is a problem I'm working on overcoming myself, so I think I'll take a stab at some suggestions for Kathy.

1) Yes, I think in this instance the critiquer was right. "Felt" is not even describing an emotion here, but more of an impression of the situation. But this one's pretty easy to fix:

Melissa watched the drama play out in front of her, helpless to do anything to stop it.

2) Trickier, because the "felt" is actually describing how Melissa is feeling: uncoordinated. Ultimately, I think she needs to offer more description to convey the sense of being uncoordinated (spazzed is good, but not enough on its own to get across that it is the routine that's difficult, not that Melissa's feet have their own problem) but since I don't have the dance experience to fill in, I'll just offer a quickie fix of the sentence as given:

Melissa's feet spazzed through the moves. Most of the other students fumbled through the exercise as well. A few stopped after assemblé, bewildered.

I think you can rely on the reader to know that if someone's feet are spazzing, then that person is going to be feeling uncoordinated!

[mai]

(1) Melissa watched the drama play out in front of her, unable to find a way to stop it. She wanted to scream, but despair wrapped her in silence.

(2) Melissa blushed and tried to get though the move, knowing full well she was too uncoordinated and slow to manage it. Then she saw most of the other students fumbling through the exercise, too. A few stopped after assemblé, bewildered. If she was a spazz when it came to ballet, she wasn't the only one.

My first solution for (2) was the same one Stace used.

[Bron]

Melissa's feet spazzed through the moves. She was relieved to see that she wasn't the only uncoordinated one as she saw most of the other students fumble through the exercise as well. A few stopped after assemblé, bewildered.

I didn't know enough about Melissa to know how she would react. If it were me I would be resisting the urge to clip Julie over the ear to stop her. But it depends on where the writer wishes to take it.
For instance
Melissa sighed rolling her eyes as she watched the drama play out in front of her that she couldn't stop.
or
Melissa resisted the urge to walk over and clip her friend's ear as she watched the drama play out in front of her that she couldn't stop.
Is she saddened, frustrated or embarrassed by her friend and what she is doing? I am only a beginner writer as well so will be interested to see.

[Bill]

Hey, Ray!

Below is my attempt at FtQ's First Show and Tell Clinic.

I went a little nuts and worked on all the paragraphs, not only the two marked with red.

To make my suggestions easier to see, I sent a Word document to your email ray@editorrr.com with the changes tracked.

Cheers, Bill

Over the next two days, Julie found ways to get Peter to notice her. Using one of her best faux-clumsy moves, she dropped her books right next to him, and he gallantly picked them up. Later she took a dangerous but graceful dive, and he all but carried her, with her “twisted” ankle, to the nurse's office. And carried her book bag after school.

But each encounter seemed to pull her farther from the person that she knew herself to be. Her moves became choreographed, and she found herself dancing in a drama staged by a stranger.

Driven on by the brisk music, they jumped and whipped their legs together, landing either on both feet in a tight fifth position or on one leg with the other leg in coupé, depending on the number of beats they did.

"Over cross the fifth in the air," Miss Sylvia shouted over the out-of-tune piano.

Amid the other fumbling students, Melissa thrashed her calves and flailed her ankles. Trois, okay. Quatre, just barely. Cinq, straining credibility. Six, no way, André. Disowned by her own body, she joined the bewildered students at the side of the studio who had bailed out after assemblé.

[Cheryl]

First, I have to commend you on a great lesson in 'show not tell'. KUDOS!

My suggestion for sample 1:

(The second paragraph is very passive. There's no excitement, action or emotion. I'd be tempted to rewrite the second para as dialogue, since dialogue can show action and emotion. CKT)

Over the next two days, Julie found several ways to get Peter to pay attention to her. She dropped her books right next to him. He helped pick them up for her. Then she "twisted" her ankle near him. He supported her to the nurse's office. And carried her book bag for her after school.

"This is like watching a freaking video stuck on repeat," Melissa muttered, slamming her locker door.

My suggestion for sample 2:

(Again, this could be a much more lively scene--perhaps with humor thrown in. CKT)

To the brisk music, they jumped and whipped their legs together, landing in either a tight fifth or coupé each time, depending on the number of beats they did.

"Over cross the fifth in the air," Miss Sylvia told them.

No sooner were the word's out of her instructor's mouth, Melissa's left foot hit a slippery patch of floor.

Oh crap.

Her foot shot out, her arms flailing to regain her balance. To no avail. She slid straight into Peter, who grabbed her just before she took them both out. Blushing, she glanced around and was surprised to see that most of the other students were fumbling through the exercise as well. A few stopped after assemblé, bewildered. But none as bewildered as Melissa.

Peter was still holding her hand.

(Or less dramatic...)

Melissa hoisted her left leg in the air, wondering if she looked as clumsy as she felt. One look at Peter's scowling face beside her suggested she looked even worse.

Blushing, she glanced around and was surprised to see that most of the other students were fumbling through the exercise as well. A few stopped after assemblé, bewildered. Including Peter.

She smiled.

(of course, I have no idea what the story is about--just guessing here, but regardless, what Kathy is looking for is the right mix of narrative, dialogue, action and emotion. I wish her the best!)

~Cheryl Kaye Tardif,
bestselling author of Whale Song

[Kathy]

Thanks, everyone. Your suggestions have been helpful and I'll use them to make the fixes.

Laughed at both Cheryl's and Bill's versions.

[Mai]

Ray, your comment "while it's okay to offer completely new ideas and language, as an editor I seldom do extensive rewriting. It has to do with respecting the writer's voice" is much appreciated.