Flogometer for Jack: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jack's first 16 lines:

After watching the ten o'clock local news from a barstool, Jack knew he wouldn't be going back to his office anytime soon. All that was left of Jack Farber's Private Investigation Agency were some pipes sticking up from the foundation and half of a toilet.

Running out of options, Jack reached for his cell phone and called his ex-partner who owed him big time. He still carried the bullet with her name on it and the scar to prove it.

"Detective Darnell."

"Hello Maggie. It's Jack."

"Where in the hell are you, Jack? I've got an APB out on you."

"Some stinking dive called The Bloody Bucket," Jack said tracing his finger along the
sticky bar.

"Good God, what are you doing in that death trap? If you don't have a gun when you walk in, management issues you one."

"I brought my own."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I need a favor. I need to know what the police found in the rubble."

"I was told the fire investigators found two suspicious items: a pipe wrench lying next to. . .

I wanted more

A good, old-fashioned, smart-ass private eye voice and good story questions made this one an easy call. Nice start. Still, I do have some notes.

After watching the ten o'clock local news from a barstool, Jack knew he wouldn't be going back to his office anytime soon. All that was left of Jack Farber's Private Investigation Agency were some pipes sticking up from the foundation and half of a toilet. (A detail like "local" isn't really needed; all the reader needs is that he was watching news. This is a tiny example of overwriting. And "some" is vague and not really necessary, IMO.)

Running out of options, Jack reached for his cell phone and called his ex-partner. She who owed him big time; he. He still carried the bullet with her name on it and the scar to prove it. (I wonder about "reached for." It implies that the cell phone is sitting on the bar, but isn't clear. A thought: you could do more to characterize their relationship if you simply have him press autodial on his cell phone.)

"Detective Darnell." (I suggest you characterize her voice with description preceding the speech. It's late -- is she sleeply? Alert? Is her voice husky, sexy, sweet, what? Or the sound of her voice could be reassuring, or call up an image of her face. This is a chance to characterize her with little effort, but it will enrich the story.)

"Hello, Maggie. It's Jack."

"Where in the hell are you, Jack? I've got an APB out on you." (In life, and in good dialogue, people don't usually refer to someone very familiar to them by name in a conversation.)

Jack traced his finger along the sticky bar. "Some stinking dive called The Bloody Bucket." Jack said tracing his finger along the sticky bar. (I moved the action beat, which was a good one, just to break up the dialogue. And I think "said tracing" is not artful or crisp.)

"Good God, what are you doing in that death trap? If you don't have a gun when you walk in, management issues you one." (This snappy dialogue promises fun ahead.)

"I brought my own."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I need a favor. I need to know what the police found in the rubble."

"I was told the fire investigators found two suspicious items: a pipe wrench lying next to. . .

Good stuff. I suggest you avoid a long string of nothing but quoted dialogue -- use action beats to characterize and do other things as it goes on. See my post on Cooking up some tasty beats.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kamila Miller]

I too would have turned the page. The only things that bugged me Ray pointed out, and they were nits, with one exception. For some reason "Tell me something I don't know" rang false for me. It knocked me partially out of the story. I think it's because "I brought my own" as a response to what's presented as hyperbole is borderline as far as real dialogue anyway. The tell me line takes it one step too far.

Good stuff!

[Kitty]

I'm not looking for nitpiks, but I would eliminate the following:
'If you don't have a gun when you walk in, management issues you one."

"I brought my own."

"Tell me something I don't know."'

Unnecessary, and they slow me down.

Bottom line: I'd definitely turn the page!

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[Dave Fragments]

I might rearrange the first paragraph:

"All that remained of Jack Farber's Private Investigation Agency were some pipes sticking up from the foundation and half of a toilet. Jack recognized his toilet on the ten o'clock news. Can't go back there, he thought."
"Jack reached for his cell phone and called his ex-partner. She owed him big time; He still carried the bullet with her name on it and the scar to prove it."

That makes the subsequent dialog a little more important. He gets to reveal the sleazy bar, she chides him and then he asks that fateful question -- "What do the police know?" and now we know that he's a hard-edged smart-ass, she's snide and impatient and he might have blown his office into teeny, tiny, itty-bitty pieces.

That's my suggestion.

[mai]

Asking more of the reader might create a deeper emotional connection between reader and story -- I felt too much was spelled out too often, for example...

"anytime soon" -- maybe just "anytime"? The office has been destroyed, so it may be never that he returns.

"some pipes sticking up from the foundation and half of a toilet" -- maybe just "some pipes and half of a toilet"? Let the reader build a lot of the picture.

"called his ex-partner who owed him big time" -- maybe just "called his ex-partner. She owed him." -- because "big time" over-emphasizes the tension between the two -- it's already evident, because they have an ex-partnership.

"He still carried the bullet with her name on it and the scar to prove it" -- maybe "he still carried the bullet with her name on it, and the scar, too" -- "to prove it" projects a flavor of revenge that's probably not going to be part of what happens. He's calling in a debt, but probably not going on a vendetta against his ex-partner.

If Maggie has an APB out on Jack, she cares about him, which supports my sense that though they're ex-partners, they'll be able to work together.

"'Some stinking dive called The Bloody Bucket' Jack said tracing his finger along the sticky bar." -- maybe just "'Some dive called the Bloody Bucket,' Jack said, looking at the sticky bar counter." -- because "The Bloody Bucket" is already overkill in terms of conveying what kind of place it is, and Jack is unlikely to dirty his hands by tracing his finger along the sticky bar, if he doesn't like places like that.

"'Good God, what are you doing in that death trap? If you don't have a gun when you walk in, management issues you one.'" -- maybe just "'What are you doing in that place? If you don't have a gun when you walk in, management issues you one.'" All the message you want to convey is adequately handled by the "If you don't have a gun..." line --

"'I brought my own.'
"'Tell me something I don't know.'" -- I can't imagine experienced investigators saying things like this. Both would know he's armed.

"'I need a favor. I need to know what the police found in the rubble.'" -- maybe just "I need to know what the police found in the rubble." -- he's already made it clear he's calling in a debt.

"'I was told the fire investigators found two suspicious items...'" -- maybe just "The fire investigators found two items..." -- otherwise, it's too legalistic and defensive -- "I was told..." and "suspicious" have Maggie trying to put the weight of the findings onto the fire investigators -- but if she's a competent investigator, she's in the business because she questions everything, and stands behind her own findings, so she can flat-out state what she's heard, and her ex-partner will understand the implications that someone told her, and they told her because the items were suspicious.

My sense was that I was being lectured to -- everything was spelled out too clearly. It left me, the reader, with nothing to do. I lost interest, despite good promise of action, because there was nothing to engage me deeply enough to make me want to turn the page. The basics are there. Just give me, the reader, more work to do, and I'll get engaged with your story.

[Norm]

FWIW "APB" is not correct. The term is BOLO--Be On the Lookout.

A good resource is from the "Howdunit" series "Police Procedure & Investigation - a Guide for Writers" by Lee Lofland.