Flogometer for Sarah: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Sarah's submission has a preface of just 10 lines of narrative, and then the first chapter. I thought I'd include the preface and then the first 16 lines of her first chapter.

PREFACE

A strange current floated through the air. Everyone stared at me as I tried to make sense of the events that had just occurred. Did I really see through someone else's eyes? How could that be possible?

I watched in horror through the beast's eyes as two men struggled to neutralize him. As they fought this evil, they looked stealthy and faster than what should be humanly possible. The creature slashed at one as the other kicked him in the side. The ease of their movements astonished me. I had never witnessed anything so frighteningly impressive in my life.

The dance of death continued until a piercing pain coursed through my body. When the pain ended, the sweet aroma of burning leaves and roasted coconut filled the air.

There had to be some kind of explanation for this.

1. NEW BEGINNINGS

Everything blurred -- I didn't remember getting into the police car, or the drive. Nor did I remember walking into the Williams' house. My whole world felt empty, and I didn't want to exist anymore. I couldn't believe life was going on as normal, outside, while I sat in the Williams' living room. My best friend Stacy cried into my shoulder and hugged me. I blinked -- no tears...I felt nothing.

"We're so sorry, honey," Nicole kept saying to me.

My parents weren't dead. They couldn't be. I got up on shaky legs; I had to go home. Brian caught me when I started out the door.

Brian Williams stood at a massive six foot six, three hundred pounds of solid muscle.

"Let go of me! I have to find my parents!" I screamed. He squeezed me while I fought to break free. I struggled for a few seconds before collapsing. He picked me up and carried me to the couch. I pulled my legs up, wrapped my arms around my knees, closed my eyes tightly, and wept.

"Sam -- honey, I've called your grandfather. He'll be here in the morning," Brian said softly.

I couldn't believe they, too, had left me. I'd only blinked, and all my dreams -- my whole life-ended. My body shook uncontrollably and my head started to spin. I couldn't breathe. I slipped down into oblivion, drowning in a sea of despair.

Interesting elements, but…
I probably would have turned the page, hoping to see some relationship between the preface and the first chapter. But there are craft issues here, and they increased when I did read on. Some notes:

A strange current floated through the air. Everyone stared at me as I tried to make sense of the events that had just occurred. Did I really see through someone else's eyes? How could that be possible? (Doesn't seem fair to me for the narrative to refer to something the reader isn't included in on: "the events that had just occurred." What events? If we don't know what they are, how can we understand why this character can't make sense of them? It seems that the character has seen through someone else's eyes, but no longer does.)

I watched in horror through the beast's eyes as two men struggled to neutralize him. As they fought this evil, they looked more stealthy and faster than what should be humanly possible. The creature slashed at one as the other kicked him in the side. The ease of their movements astonished me. I had never witnessed anything so frighteningly impressive in my life. (Now we're seeing through a beast's eyes (not "someone" as in the first paragraph). Confusing. How does this character know the beast is evil? The last couple of sentences are more telling and summary than showing action.)

The dance of death continued until a piercing pain coursed through my body. When the pain ended, the sweet aroma of burning leaves and roasted coconut filled the air. (Is "my" body the body of the beast? If so, why didn't the narrator feel the kicks?)

There had to be some kind of explanation for this. (One hopes so. Despite the problems with the narrative above, I would have wanted to know what it was.)

1. NEW BEGINNINGS

Everything blurred -- I didn't remember getting into the police car, or the drive. Nor did I remember walking into the Williams' house. My whole world felt empty, and I didn't want to exist anymore. I couldn't believe life was going on as normal, outside, while I sat in the Williams' living room. My best friend Stacy cried into my shoulder and hugged me. I blinked -- no tears...I felt nothing.

"We're so sorry, honey," Nicole Williams?kept saying to me.

My parents weren't dead. They couldn't be. I got up on shaky legs; I had to go home. Brian caught me when I started out the door.

Brian Williams stood at a massive six foot six, three hundred pounds of solid muscle. (This is the narrator stepping in to give us description. Try to give us Brian through the experience of the narrator, and express the size in a way that a young person might [turns out the narrator is a 17-year-old girl]. Thoughtstarter: It was like slamming into one of the linemen on the football team. That can give an idea of size and add a better picture of her age.)

"Let go of me! I have to find my parents!" I screamed. He squeezed me while I fought to break free. I struggled for a few seconds before collapsing. He picked me up and carried me to the couch. I pulled my legs up, wrapped my arms around my knees, closed my eyes tightly, and wept.

"Sam -- honey, I've called your grandfather. He'll be here in the morning," Brian said softly. (Another lazy adverb, "softly." Can you characterize his speech, and maybe add an action beat to better illustrate the relationship? For example, Brian put a hand on my shoulder, and his voice was tender. "Sam -- honey…etc.)

I couldn't believe they, too, had left me. I'd only blinked, and all my dreams -- my whole life-ended. My body shook uncontrollably and my head started to spin. I couldn't breathe. I slipped down into oblivion, drowning in a sea of despair. (While a teen girl is capable of the last sentence, I felt it was unlikely and a bit over the top. It's not terribly experiential, either. What is she feeling? What is she sensing?)

Sarah, it seems to me that you've got some good story elements going, but you need to keep writing and sharpening the narrative in terms of making the "voice" that of your major character and delivering her experience instead of telling us a story. I also noted some staging issues in later parts of the chapter.

But you've got a good start, so keep working.

Many thanks for sending your work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Julie]

"My body shook uncontrollably and my head started to spin."

There's got to be a better way to say this. There's just got to...unless, of course, you wanted your readers to picture Linda Blair. Then it works.

[Bill]

How does a 17-year-old speak when she isn’t trying to impress adults? “…tried to make sense of the events that had just occurred.” Why not “make sense of what just happened”? “I had never witnessed anything….” How about “I had never seen….”? Voice comes down to word choice. “A strange current floated through the air.” A current doesn’t float. It’s active. It flows or crackles or tumbles. Or maybe cut the whole sentence.

Keeping the tenses straight can be hard. As I understand it, in the Preface the protagonist is trying to make sense of what happened by narrating her past experience, two different times. That needs work.

What you are trying to do in the first lines of the first chapter seems like a very tall order: describing in the present your protagonist’s feelings upon learning that her parents are dead. I’m not sure that I would attempt it. I’m not sure that the depth and power of emotion that a young person would feel–overwhelming emotion that can even paralyze all feeling–can be conveyed in a reasonable manner in the first 16 lines. Or that a 17-year-old (or I) could actually describe what was happening in that moment. I don’t have a solution except that, if you’re going that route, start with “My parents weren't dead. They couldn't be.”

There’s lots of work to do. Take it apart and write it again and maybe again. Keep trying. But the premise intrigues me.

[Sheila]

I think the reason that I don't like prefaces and prologues is that sometimes they feel like a tease. The reader is given a taste of something interesting and then plucked right out of that scene and cast into another. As a reader, that bugs me.

About the preface - like Bill, I was bothered by the "floating current." The protagonist questions whether she just saw "through someone else's eyes," but then goes on to describe not just seeing, but feeling and hearing, too. This seemed incongruent.

Even with Ray's correction, the phrase "they looked more stealthy and faster than what should be humanly possible," sounded odd to me. More stealthy than humanly possible? I don't know what you are trying to describe. How about - they attacked with inhuman speed and agility, anticipating my every move.

She's watching through the eyes of something described as a "beast" "evil" and "creature." This is all very vague and made it hard for me to picture what she's experiencing.

The preface had lots of interesting story questions in it, which intrigued me, but the chapter that followed lost my interest.

Good luck!

[sarah]

Thanks for the comments. I have scrapped most of chapter one completely. I'm starting it near the end and I cleaned up the preface. I will take into accoutnt the teaser comment. I might leave it off altogheter, I'm not sure yet. I've changed the voice, it now sounds like a 17 year old wrote it. Thanks so much to Bill and Sheila, and of course Ray!
Sarah

[Mai]

In the preface, it seems as if you're trying to say too much. Maybe if you cut it back to a faint sketch of the picture you want to make, you'll create a clearer image in the reader's mind.

The first para of the chapter is saying the protagonist is feeling numb and disconnected four different ways.

When you write that someone is "...six foot six, three hundred pounds of solid muscle..." you don't have to say he's massive, too. Squeezing sounds as if he's hugging the protagonist, but you probably mean he held him / her back, or he restrained him / her. I can't tell if your protagonist is male or female -- I thought female, until I saw the name was Sam, which could be either.

It seems to me as if you have a good handle on story and action, and are wrestling with language at the moment. There are passages that are very effective, and others that are overwritten or a little convoluted. The most common problems I find in both preface and chapter opening are: trying to say too much at once, or trying to say the same thing strongly by saying it multiple times.