Flogometer for Jennifer: would you keep reading?

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Validation from an agent

The FtQ "Flogometer" challenge reflects the real world. I came across this quote from an established literary agent with 20 years experience, Lori Perkins, on her In the Middle blog.

"…your novel has to grab me by the first page, which is why we can reject you on one page."

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jennifer's first 16 lines of a young adult novel:

Do you think he'll propose? Jessica generated the words from the back of her throat, as if inhaling from a cigarette.

It was a simple question for sixteen-year-old Carly on a summer day long ago, during a time of peace but no prosperity, when life hung on a thread between two world wars and ice cream came in three flavors. For this day was in 1934. Movie theaters, big bands, and carnivals provided temporary relief from a dingy economic veil that shrouded every other aspect of life. And of course, there was the automobile -- a national obsession. Americans took to the burgeoning highways in hope of a better day or life, just beyond the bend. Sitting in Jessica's elegant Massachusetts bedroom the two girls were spared, untouched by soup kitchens, shantytowns, and the empty faces that filled vacant spaces in the unemployment lines. Carly and Jessica were young, wealthy, and untested.

Carly pretended to be absorbed by a pile of newspaper clippings residing in a pink wooden box next to Jessica's bureau. Jessica collected sensational crime stories from the tabloids, a new breed of abhorrent journalism recently brought to the states by a wealthy and tasteless Brit. Stirring the inky strips with one finger, Carly caught glimpses of John Dillinger, Bonnie and Clyde, and America's hero, the handsome and tragic Colonel Charles Lindbergh.

The era attracts me, but the story…?

There's good writing here, and the time of 1934 is interesting…but the narrative doesn't reach the level of compelling. While simple interest may be enough to get an agent to turn the page, it may not. This veers dangerously close to a history lesson on this first page. And I'm not sure the voice is right. I'll get to that. Notes:

Do you think he'll propose? Jessica generated the words from the back of her throat, as if inhaling from a cigarette. (Why isn't the dialogue line in quotes? On following pages, dialogue is quoted. I think the word generation description is difficult to parse, and a little confusing -- when one speaks, one breathes out. When one inhales…well, you see the contradiction. For me, this is a place to keep it simple and pictorial; this sentence you have to think about, and then I'm not sure it makes sense because of the inhale/exhale thing.)

It was a simple question for sixteen-year-old Carly on a summer day long ago, during a time of peace but no prosperity, when life hung on a thread between two world wars and ice cream came in three flavors. For this day was in 1934. Movie theaters, big bands, and carnivals provided temporary relief from a dingy economic veil that shrouded every other aspect of life. And of course, there was the automobile -- a national obsession. Americans took to the burgeoning highways in hope of a better day or life, just beyond the bend. Sitting in Jessica's elegant Massachusetts bedroom, the two girls were spared, untouched by soup kitchens, shantytowns, and the empty faces that filled vacant spaces in the unemployment lines. Carly and Jessica were young, wealthy, and untested. (Having a big "info-dump" from the author right here -- as opposed to the character -- is problematic. I know you need to establish the time, but I'd hope for a way to do it in the context of the characters' experiences. Here, for example, "long ago" is the historian speaking, but for Carly it is now. I liked things like "ice cream came in three flavors," but is a "dingy economic veil" properly a part of a privileged sixteen-year-old's life? Description such as "Carly and Jessica were young, wealthy, and untested." is the author speaking, and is summary/telling as well. I urge you to get into character and story first, sprinkling details sparingly that create a feeling for the time. The language is not that of a girl of sixteen either, I think. While authors can and do succeed with approaches like this, I think you have a much better chance of grabbing a reader, and especially an agent, by instant immersion in a scene that gives a character's experience.)

Carly pretended to be absorbed by a pile of newspaper clippings residing in a pink wooden box next to Jessica's bureau. Jessica collected sensational crime stories from the tabloids, a new breed of abhorrent journalism recently brought to the states by a wealthy and tasteless Brit. Stirring the inky strips with one finger, Carly caught glimpses of John Dillinger, Bonnie and Clyde, and America's hero, the handsome and tragic Colonel Charles Lindbergh. ("Abhorrent journalism" is another example of my voice question: doesn't sound like a girl of sixteen to me. It's an opinion delivered by an adult in adult language. The clippings, though perhaps too much time is spent on them, are potentially a good device for communicating the era. I suggest limiting the references to people to just one, though, and having a girl's reaction. For example, I would think that Bonnie and Clyde would have the best chance of being recognized by your audience, and there's a romantic element to their story that might spark thoughts and conversation here. Carly could wonder out loud if they were ever going to get married, for example, which would relate to the opening question.)

So, is this compelling? Not really. I understand that this is intended for a female young adult audience, but is the question of whether or not a guy is going to ask a girl to marry him enough of hook? That question I can't answer, but this opening leaves me wishing there were more of Carly in it, and that there was something important to her hinging on whether or not her boyfriend proposes. As it is, this is just talk.

Jennifer, watch out for the voice thing. This is written in your voice, and that isn't all wrong. But it you're trying to give the reader the experience of a teen, then adult language in the narrative has a tendency to keep the reader at arm's length, and distances her emotionally, IMO. Keep at it, though, this has strong potential.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kamila Miller]

This opening needs voice and characterization. There's promise to the prose--there aren't rhythm/flow issues and the use of language is fine.

I agree with the issues surrounding inhaling from a cigarette--I got stuck trying to figure out what the author wanted to convey with this image/sound. Why the association with the cigarette? Do these girls smoke? Is the smoking supposed to imply that the proposal is about as appealing as cigarette smoke (which will have different reactions from smokers and non-smokers, btw)? I'm not trying to be a jerk here, just pointing out that this opening line, the most important line to getting an editor's attention, isn't clear. There's even more than usual riding on this sentence because it's the only hint of actual characterization in the opening and the closest thing to dialogue I've seen. I also wondered if the question was supposed to be in quotes or if it was internal dialogue and we're missing the underlining.

This is a tough period to write. Although there aren't many people still alive from this era, there are a lot of people who love this era. There's also a substantial amount of film and writing from this period. Depending on the region (are we on the east or west coast here?) there will be a very distinctive cultural flair that will bleed into their dialogue, appear in the fashions they choose from, the furniture they sit on, etc.

One of the reasons I love "Dead Like Me" is the way the characters reflect the original period they died in. Rube comes from a distinct place and time with a distinct micro-culture (Scottish immigrant) history. It shows in his apartment (which is exquisite,) his language, and shows on his face. "She was a pistol," he says of one of his coworkers. Period phrase. All the characters are like this. His is just the oldest of them. It's a great study in the differences between people of different eras. It's not a great place to find hoards of period dialogue, though, because the characters grow and change with the times. They just have these artifacts of speech and mannerism that color who they are.

For this kind of stuff you have to go to the sources and integrate enough of who your characters are that you can pepper your story with daily life and turns of phrase that the readers will be there (instead of being told about) this time. For some writers this is a simple thing they do without thinking about it. For others it requires immersion in film, period letters, and often includes discussions with people from the time period (or experts if no survivors are in reach.)

Telling the reader about America's obsession with automobiles and long unemployment lines isn't going to help with the story. Put the reader in the room with the two girls and have them talk like two girls of the time period would talk. If there's a marriage proposal issue, that would probably be their focus because it's so life-altering--or if it isn't, you can show that by their dismissal of it in favor of talking about what's in the tabloids.

I'd like to see where we are, too. Chicago? New York? Georgia? Philly? Seattle? The Bay area? I know if it was in the Bay I'd call Georgie and see if she'd talk to me about her parents, the stuff they had in their house from that era, what it was like going to school. I'd look at pictures of the streets and hills and period houses, which I'm sure you've done, and then try to place those characters there climbing a crazy-steep hill on the way to school or maybe taking a trolley. Or are they taken to school via a limo? Or do they have private tutors? What are their lives like, what kind of girls are they (will I care about them?) and what big change is coming up that's going to make this story worth reading?

I hope this helps.

[Wendy]

Sorry, but no, for all the reasons cited above.

A final observation: the characters' names (especially "Carly") immediately struck me as anachronistic, so I did a little looking (http://www.real-baby-names.com/popular-us/girls-1920.html). "Jessie" appears on the list of top 100 popular names for girls in 1920 (the nearest year I could find to 1918, when the girls would have been born if they were 16 in 1934), but "Jessica" doesn't hit the top 100 until 1970, and "Carly" (a modern favourite, popularized in the last 15-20 years) never does, at least at the site I looked at.

Character names can be as important and indicator of setting (especially historical setting) as any detail about gangsters, movie stars, and flavours of ice cream. You wouldn't have to change yours very much, to make them fit better: Jessie and Carol, perhaps?

I also wondered if the term "tabloids" was used in the same sense in 1934 that it is now, and whether the newspapers in the city the girls live in were in fact in tabloid format; that might be worthy of a bit of digging. ("Tabloid" refers to size and orientation of the newsprint, rather than the news it carries. A tabloid newspaper is half the height of a "broadsheet" paper.)

[Bill]

I like history, so I tuned right in to your scene-setting, but I really wonder what a teenager will make of ”life hung on a thread between two world wars and ice cream came in three flavors.” Unless the reader is already familiar with the period, your (good) scene-setting phrases (“dingy economic veil”) won’t resonate. Before being a descriptive writer, you might have to assume the role of “guide” to the historical era, but invisibly. No info-dumps.

Maybe, instead of trying to start by painting a grand panorama of the time, it’s better to begin with your protagonists’ situation and work outwards from there.

Their parents might be stuffy and still living in the 19th century, but the 16-year-olds are certainly rebelling and want to be cool, whatever that means for 1934. This is the job of voice. Don’t be “writerly.” And please don’t tell me that newspaper clippings “reside” in a box (shudder).

What you describe as “abhorrent journalism” wasn’t “recently brought to the States [upper case] by a wealthy and tasteless Brit.” It had existed for a long time as Yellow journalism; good summary here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellow_journalism. (Not sure, but I suspect that “Brit” is an anachronism, too.)

About “inhaling from a cigarette”: where I live there are many Swedes, and they share a habit. Often when they say “yes” or “ja,” they do it while inhaling sharply. At first, it’s a bit unusual, but after a while you find yourself doing it too. So your idea is not so strange–maybe not described as well as it could be.

But despite these cascades of criticism, clearly there is something in the story and in your writing that catches the attention. I find it interesting, for example, that a 16-year-old is thinking about a marriage proposal. You’ve got something going for you.

[Kitty]

I like Depression era stories, but I would not turn the page of this in its present state.

There are some good suggestions here. I'll add that you could try to locate some of the original Nancy Drew stories, written in the 30s. Many of them were rewritten to reflect more modern times, but you can still find old copies.

Do you have a relative who lived through the Depression, one you could ask what it was like?

Kamila: I love "Dead Like Me." In fact (pardon the shameless plug here), I wrote a very short story referencing the show:
http://briefsandotherunmentionables.blogspot.com/2005/02/stuck-in-elevator-with-mandy-patinkin.html

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[Mai]

Wow, what a bunch of great stuff to read, starting with the opening, then Ray's comments, then Kamila's, Wendy's, Bill's, and Kitty's. I can't add much to what's been said. The story was buried under too many words, so I wouldn't have turned the page. I admire what you're trying to do here -- I agree that you can tell about the period throughout the book, and leave more room for your story here.

About young people during that period: my parents were young then; one came from a poor background, the other from a privileged one. Poor and rich alike were terribly aware of the drab economic situation. Everyone was affected. If someone was rich, it affected the amount of money they had, and increased their tension and worry; and they lost friends as people in their economic class dropped out of society due to big losses and stress-related illnesses. The time was not called The Great Depression for economic and metaphorical reasons alone -- there was also a lot of real clinical depression, irrespective of economic and social status. Regarding sixteen-year-old rebellion, that pretty much wasn't on. Things were too serious. If a rich kid fooled around, it was by trying to do adult things sooner than normal, like get a job, do sophisticated things. There was much less drinking and partying than there had been in the '20's, and much less than went on during WWII, as well. The Nancy Drew and Hardy Boy book series were big hits then, as were Zane Gray's stories and novels -- many teens were doing what those authors' protagonists did -- trying to be grown-up and solve the world's problems on their own, with the help of supportive relatives and friends, or not -- trying to face the tough world and survive.

I have a few stories about the Depression, told to me by my parents. Please email me if you want me to jot them down and send them. (Click on my name to get to my web site, and from there, to my email address.)