Flogometer for Tara: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Tara has an unusual request. She sent two versions of her first chapter, and wants guidance on which to use. Here are the first 16 lines of the first of her first chapters:

If I have to look at one more picture of a rail-thin "all-American girl", I'm going to puke. Or eat another cupcake. Okay, the truth is I really hate to throw up.

I had been looking at the images for over an hour in the course of designing my newest client's website. Mon Amie, Clothes for the Average American Girl, sizes 2-8. I can't even begin to touch on everything that was wrong with their tagline. But they paid me, so here I am, trying to stay true to their "vision".

Pasting the picture of a breastless, hipless waif in the upper right hand corner, I completed the "Curvier Looks" page. Seriously, there was nothing to work with. Closing the file out, I stepped away from my desk and tried not to think about the double chocolate chip cupcakes with fluffy white icing that sat a mere two rooms away.

"There is no way a size eight is average!" I waited for a response (surely an "Amen, sister!") from the only other living thing in the room. The wilting poinsettia gave no reply. It too was past its prime.

Not that I'm old, or even all that huge, but the images of nineteen year old eighty pound girls had gotten to me.

I sat back down into my chair, determined to prove my point.

And now for the first 16 lines of her second version:

The average American woman is 5'4", 164 pounds and wears a size 14. Let's just say that I'm above average -- and I'm not talking about my height. I didn't start out this way, mind you. At birth, I was actually below average. And I didn't catch up real quick either. It took a combination of factors to bring me to my above average status. Genetics, environment, economic class and emotional health all contributed to my current dress size.

Genetics cannot be described as an "exact" science. DNA is combined randomly. So, while my siblings are almost six feet tall, I was dealt a much shorter chromosome. Now, you still have to pack that chromosome with all of the same information, so naturally it would need to stretch a bit to accommodate everything. So I blame my short, fat chromosomes.

The next two factors tend to intertwine a bit. Both of my parents worked so I basically grew up with the television as a babysitter. We didn't have much money for extracurricular activities -- which I didn't mind. I was clumsy and uncoordinated as a kid (not that that's changed much). My mother was also overweight by the time I came around and the house was filled with wonderful, highly processed, highly sugary foods. These types of food were cheaper and easier, and obviously they taste better. Growing up I thought that chocolate was its own food group. By the time puberty hit, my diet consisted of Slim Jims, Little Debbies and Kool-Aid. My major…

Not page-turners for me

While I prefer the first version because I liked the voice quite a lot, there's no hint as to what this novel is about, which Tara describes as, "a plus-size woman's quest to attract an average American man." A fun concept, by the way, just as the voice is fun.

But, for this reader, both openings were virtually tension-free. They're both delivering information and, in the first case, plenty of attitude. But there are no story questions raised. While I can sympathize with the character's plight, to be blunt about it, so what? The only thing she desires in opening one is to design a website. I think Tara needs to work story elements in with the character elements she now has. Some quick notes on sample 1:

If I have to look at one more picture of a rail-thin "all-American girl," I'm going to puke. Or eat another cupcake. Okay, the truth is I really hate to throw up. (This first paragraph is in present tense. Some of the following paragraphs are present tense, some past, and some mix the two. This is problematic.)

I had been looking at the images for over an hour in the course of designing my newest client's website, Mon Amie, Clothes for the Average American Girl, sizes 2-8. I can't even begin to touch on everything that was wrong with their tagline. But they paid me, so here I am, trying to stay true to their "vision." (present tense)

Pasting the picture of a breastless, hipless waif in the upper right hand corner, I completed the "Curvier Looks" page. Seriously, there was nothing to work with. Closing the file out, I stepped away from my desk and tried not to think about the double-chocolate-chip cupcakes with fluffy white icing that sat a mere two rooms away. (past tense)

"There is no way a size eight is average!" I waited for a response (surely an "Amen, sister!") from the only other living thing in the room. The wilting poinsettia gave no reply. It too was past its prime. (past tense)

Not that I'm old, or even all that huge, but the images of nineteen-year-old, eighty-pound girls had gotten to me. (mixed tenses)

I sat back down into my chair, determined to prove my point. (past tense)

Many thanks for sending your work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

Comments

[Ovidia Yu]

I liked the first version (sorry, it's not professional but I even liked the mix of present & past tenses because I thought it reflected the character's' state of mind!) But from this excerpt I thought it was going to be about working skinny fashion/her & her mother's weight issues/bulimia...
Given it's going to be about attracting an 'average American man' (& yes, I would read more of that!) I'd have liked to see him upfront... perhaps a comparison of how she feels when she's putting together articles on men's fashion/ideal dates (do her thoughts veer towards low carbs & cottage cheese instead of cupcakes?) or how differently she would have posed her question had she been talking to a cute guy instead of a dying poinsettia.

[Mai]

For me, the first was engaging and the second boring.

I thought the self-deprecating humor of this, from the second, made it a strong line: "The average American woman is 5'4", 164 pounds and wears a size 14. Let's just say that I'm above average -- and I'm not talking about my height."

This, from the first, seems overwritten: "...and tried not to think about the double chocolate chip cupcakes with fluffy white icing that sat a mere two rooms away..." "Wilting" isn't needed if you say the poinsettia is past its prime.

[cheyan]

The second one didn't catch me at all, but I did like the first one. Maybe if it started with the fourth paragraph? The fifth paragraph would then need a bit of explanation, and I don't know what comes after those sixteen lines, but I really liked the image that paragraph provided (and I'd keep the 'wilting', because then the "past its prime" clarifies that it's old, not unwatered)