Flogometer for Tara: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Tara has an unusual request. She sent two versions of her first chapter, and wants guidance on which to use. Here are the first 16 lines of the first of her first chapters:

If I have to look at one more picture of a rail-thin "all-American girl", I'm going to puke. Or eat another cupcake. Okay, the truth is I really hate to throw up.

I had been looking at the images for over an hour in the course of designing my newest client's website. Mon Amie, Clothes for the Average American Girl, sizes 2-8. I can't even begin to touch on everything that was wrong with their tagline. But they paid me, so here I am, trying to stay true to their "vision".

Pasting the picture of a breastless, hipless waif in the upper right hand corner, I completed the "Curvier Looks" page. Seriously, there was nothing to work with. Closing the file out, I stepped away from my desk and tried not to think about the double chocolate chip cupcakes with fluffy white icing that sat a mere two rooms away.

"There is no way a size eight is average!" I waited for a response (surely an "Amen, sister!") from the only other living thing in the room. The wilting poinsettia gave no reply. It too was past its prime.

Not that I'm old, or even all that huge, but the images of nineteen year old eighty pound girls had gotten to me.

I sat back down into my chair, determined to prove my point.

And now for the first 16 lines of her second version:

The average American woman is 5'4", 164 pounds and wears a size 14. Let's just say that I'm above average -- and I'm not talking about my height. I didn't start out this way, mind you. At birth, I was actually below average. And I didn't catch up real quick either. It took a combination of factors to bring me to my above average status. Genetics, environment, economic class and emotional health all contributed to my current dress size.

Genetics cannot be described as an "exact" science. DNA is combined randomly. So, while my siblings are almost six feet tall, I was dealt a much shorter chromosome. Now, you still have to pack that chromosome with all of the same information, so naturally it would need to stretch a bit to accommodate everything. So I blame my short, fat chromosomes.

The next two factors tend to intertwine a bit. Both of my parents worked so I basically grew up with the television as a babysitter. We didn't have much money for extracurricular activities -- which I didn't mind. I was clumsy and uncoordinated as a kid (not that that's changed much). My mother was also overweight by the time I came around and the house was filled with wonderful, highly processed, highly sugary foods. These types of food were cheaper and easier, and obviously they taste better. Growing up I thought that chocolate was its own food group. By the time puberty hit, my diet consisted of Slim Jims, Little Debbies and Kool-Aid. My major…

Not page-turners for me

While I prefer the first version because I liked the voice quite a lot, there's no hint as to what this novel is about, which Tara describes as, "a plus-size woman's quest to attract an average American man." A fun concept, by the way, just as the voice is fun.

But, for this reader, both openings were virtually tension-free. They're both delivering information and, in the first case, plenty of attitude. But there are no story questions raised. While I can sympathize with the character's plight, to be blunt about it, so what? The only thing she desires in opening one is to design a website. I think Tara needs to work story elements in with the character elements she now has. Some quick notes on sample 1:

If I have to look at one more picture of a rail-thin "all-American girl," I'm going to puke. Or eat another cupcake. Okay, the truth is I really hate to throw up. (This first paragraph is in present tense. Some of the following paragraphs are present tense, some past, and some mix the two. This is problematic.)

I had been looking at the images for over an hour in the course of designing my newest client's website, Mon Amie, Clothes for the Average American Girl, sizes 2-8. I can't even begin to touch on everything that was wrong with their tagline. But they paid me, so here I am, trying to stay true to their "vision." (present tense)

Pasting the picture of a breastless, hipless waif in the upper right hand corner, I completed the "Curvier Looks" page. Seriously, there was nothing to work with. Closing the file out, I stepped away from my desk and tried not to think about the double-chocolate-chip cupcakes with fluffy white icing that sat a mere two rooms away. (past tense)

"There is no way a size eight is average!" I waited for a response (surely an "Amen, sister!") from the only other living thing in the room. The wilting poinsettia gave no reply. It too was past its prime. (past tense)

Not that I'm old, or even all that huge, but the images of nineteen-year-old, eighty-pound girls had gotten to me. (mixed tenses)

I sat back down into my chair, determined to prove my point. (past tense)

Many thanks for sending your work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

Comments

[Kitty]

Maybe it's a chic thing, Tara, but I love your first version! The second was too much telling, although I howled over your line: "So I blame my short, fat chromosomes." Keep that and incorporate it into the first version, if you haven't already.

I usually don't disagree with Ray, but I don't think that every single beginning must have tension. There are the rare exceptions. Voice can carry the reader for at least 16 lines, but eventually the reader will need some conflict.

As I read your first version, I flashed on Nora's Ephron's "Heartburn." If you haven't read it, you're missing a real treat. (I read it before I saw the movie.) Ephron's book convinced me I wanted to write.

Try reading the first page:
http://www.amazon.com/Heartburn-Nora-Ephron/dp/0679767959/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211207422&sr=1-1

Bottom line: I'd definitely sit down at B&N and read more.

...

[kathy]

I liked the voice and suggest tighten up the first version and try to add in a hint of conflict to come, does she have an eating disorder?. Second version I stopped at the the first line. I couldn't envision a woman at only 5'4" and 164 in a size 16.

[Norm Benson]

Definitely the first one. The second beginning said, "let me show you my tons of research."

[thea]

Actually, I see more potential in combining your two versions. I believe if you combine the beginning of your second version with some that interesting research (perhaps as an italized book blurb) then kick in with your first version's scene of being forced to work on a website design that runs counter against factual common sense. Now, that creates tension. And lots of irony. As to your familial backstory, you can lightly tuck it in as your story unfolds. Best of luck with it!

[Sheila]

The first one, definitely. The voice is fun and not too self-pitying and I laughed at the line about the "breastless, hipless waif" completing the "curvier looks" page.

There is conflict here in that most people who abhor the body image that fashion magazines promote can just avoid them. But, because of her job, she is forced to be immersed in it. It's an internal conflict - do I work for the "dark side" or do I uphold my principals and lose money? And with the line about throwing-up, I wondered if, in the past, she had an eating disorder.

I was mildly hooked and would read more. I'd like to see what she was going to do to "prove her point."

[Kamila Miller]

I liked the first version much better. It had story elements, and I identified with the character. The second version sounded like a rant. Rants are all fine and good, but they're not stories.

Ditto Ray re: tenses. Some of the present tense stuff almost worked for me as internal dialogue. Specifically the opening and, "Not that I'm that old"--however, the latter sentence ended on a different tense and that didn't work. They're on the edge, because they seem to address the audience (or the character is 'talking to herself') but the subject matter of the present tense sections don't quite fall into the category of internal dialogue.

Good luck.

[Theadra Leilani]

For the first one, the character had a voice. There was movement and it was interesting. The second one, though it had some interesting facts (that I am average for one (I'm 5'4, 165 lbs, and I wear a size 14)) that I liked, was dry. The second didn't have a character or a character voice, no person to interest me. I agree with those that said to work the two together, but I think it needs to 70% the first one with 30% of research from the second one. I disagree with Ray on this one. I like the voice and the movement and I would have kept reading, which is odd for me because I don't normally like 1st person stories. Good Job. Keep on writing.

[Bill]

Me too. I liked the first better. You hooked me with your voice, which created a pleasing tension. In the second paragraph, I’d avoid the phrases “in the course of” and “begin to touch on.” Otherwise, good work.

[Jessica]

I liked the first one better too. The second one was so dry, I found myself skimming it, looking for *something* to happen.

The first one has a fun voice. And I *love* the concept of a plus-sized girl's quest to get the guy. Is this the point she wants to prove in the last line? Because it's such a great idea, I think it should go up front.

I'd absolutely buy the book based on the premise, btw, and on your first 16 lines.

[Danie]

I loved the first version. It didn't tell me all that the story is about, but it portrayed an engaging character. I also think that version 1 vs. version 2 is a good example of the 'show don't tell' exercise of the past few days. The first version is all about how the character feels about weight. The second tells me why she's overweight yet shouldn't be.

The first version is very much a page turner for me, while I'd give a pass to the second.

[Ovidia Yu]

I liked the first version (sorry, it's not professional but I even liked the mix of present & past tenses because I thought it reflected the character's' state of mind!) But from this excerpt I thought it was going to be about working skinny fashion/her & her mother's weight issues/bulimia...
Given it's going to be about attracting an 'average American man' (& yes, I would read more of that!) I'd have liked to see him upfront... perhaps a comparison of how she feels when she's putting together articles on men's fashion/ideal dates (do her thoughts veer towards low carbs & cottage cheese instead of cupcakes?) or how differently she would have posed her question had she been talking to a cute guy instead of a dying poinsettia.

[Mai]

For me, the first was engaging and the second boring.

I thought the self-deprecating humor of this, from the second, made it a strong line: "The average American woman is 5'4", 164 pounds and wears a size 14. Let's just say that I'm above average -- and I'm not talking about my height."

This, from the first, seems overwritten: "...and tried not to think about the double chocolate chip cupcakes with fluffy white icing that sat a mere two rooms away..." "Wilting" isn't needed if you say the poinsettia is past its prime.

[cheyan]

The second one didn't catch me at all, but I did like the first one. Maybe if it started with the fourth paragraph? The fifth paragraph would then need a bit of explanation, and I don't know what comes after those sixteen lines, but I really liked the image that paragraph provided (and I'd keep the 'wilting', because then the "past its prime" clarifies that it's old, not unwatered)