Flogometer for Kathy: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Kathy's first 16 lines from what seems like a YA novel:

The tall, elegant girl demanded attention just standing at one end of the barré among a sea of others clustered around her. Her heavy-lidded eyes swept the room whose scuffed floor showed dips from the hundreds of students' feet dancing on it over the years.

Her gaze alighted on Melissa waiting outside the propped open dance studio door. It was Melissa's first class at California Classical Ballet since her family moved here. With a cold look, the girl sized her up. Then, as if dismissing Melissa, she turned her attention to a girl wearing a sparkly pink shrug.

Puzzled, Melissa studied the tall girl, whose milk-chocolate-colored skin looked silky and smooth. With a shock, she recognized her as one of the dancers in the local "Nutcracker" performance she'd seen before Christmas. During the party scenes, Melissa thought the tall girl had elbowed her fellow dancers to get to stage front.

Now she seemed quite chummy with them.

The girl with the shrug struck exaggerated model poses, then she bent over, giggling. Melissa ached to join them. Instead, she held back.

Once the rest of leotard-clad students had entered, Melissa slipped in at the end of the row. Warm air enveloped her body, which had chilled while standing in the cool hallway. She…

Didn't hook me

While Kathy does a good job of suggesting coming conflict between the tall girl and Melissa, there were small craft issues that added up to a reluctance to turn the page. I feel that Kathy's "voice" is a little tight, and not delivering the story in a relaxed, flowing way. She has worked hard, that's clear, but the sentences feel overwrought to me. This is entirely subjective, of course.

One possible factor is that she may not be truly "inside" Melissa's head. I didn't feel as if we were getting Melissa's experience the way a teen-age girl would feel it. Some notes:

The tall, elegant girl demanded attention just standing at one end of the barré among a sea of others clustered around her. Her heavy-lidded eyes swept the room whose scuffed floor showed dips from the hundreds of students' feet dancing on it over the years. (The first sentence doesn't, I think, convey what the author intends. It doesn't really say how the girl demands attention. Thoughtstarter: The tall girl's elegance demanded attention. She stood at the end of the barré, a half-dozen other ballet students clustered around her. This version uses the girl's elegance as the reason for commanding attention. I might add that a "sea" of "others" didn't help -- a "sea" suggests many, many people, which doesn't seem right here. And using "ballet students" rather than others helps us understand where we are. The second sentence is where we depart Melissa's point of view, and here's why: a teen girl wouldn't be thinking about the floor, nor do I think that it would occur to her that the dips were from hundreds of students. This is the adult author intruding to give us information. I know that Kathy is working to describe the scene, and that's good, but this over-much bit of detail takes us out of the protagonist's pov, and out of the scene. Show the scuffed floor and the dips if you wish, but leave out the history, IMO.)

Her gaze alighted on Melissa waiting outside the propped open dance studio door. It was Melissa's first class at California Classical Ballet since her family moved here. With a cold look, the girl sized her up. Then, as if dismissing Melissa, she turned her attention to a girl wearing a sparkly pink shrug. ("Alighted" is a word that a teen girl wouldn't think when she observed the girl's action; this is another bit of the author slipping in. In my view, you deliver a character's experience best when the narrative is also in his or her voice. "Propped open" is overwriting, the inclusion of excess detail that doesn't really matter. The part about it being the first class since moving there is backstory and should come later -- your job here is to hook the reader with what's happening, not history. I think you could do better than "a cold look" -- this is more like telling than showing. What makes her looks feel cold? Do her eyes squint and her mouth turn down? Show the expression that feels cold to Melissa.)

Puzzled, Melissa studied the tall girl, whose milk-chocolate-colored skin looked silky and smooth. With a shock, sShe recognized her as one of the dancers in the local "Nutcracker" performance she'd seen before at Christmas. During the party scenes, Melissa thought the tall girl had elbowed her fellow dancers to get to stage front. (I don't think Melissa would be puzzled -- she knows a snotty look when she gets one, and should be social enough to understand what it means. Instead, why not give her reaction? How does she feel about this (but don't use "felt")? Also, seems like she knew perfectly well that the girl elbowed the other dancers rather than "thought" they did. Let her know this; it influences her attitude toward the girl. Also: it feels repetitive when having to constantly use "tall girl" to indicate who we're talking about. One thing that can help with this is for the point-of-view character to give the person of attention a "handle." For example, if in the opening description we had seen something like: …stood like a princess among a cluster of ladies in waiting…, then Melissa could thereafter mentally label her "the Princess" and we would both know who she was talking about and understand character even better.)

Now she seemed quite chummy with them.

The girl with the shrug struck exaggerated model poses and giggled, then she bent over, giggling. Melissa ached to join them. Instead, she held back. (I know that using the "bent over, giggling" part is probably Kathy seeing the action very clearly and describing it, but here I think that additional description isn't needed and doesn't really contribute. I'd change it for a crisper narrative.)

Once the rest of leotard-clad students had entered, Melissa slipped in at the end of the row. Warm air enveloped her body, which had chilled while standing in the cool hallway. She… (I don't think it works well to introduce a past event belatedly as this does the chill. If it's important for the reader to know that the hall is chilly and the room warm, have her shiver from the chill while she stands outside the doorway -- though it doesn't seem to me to be a detail worth keeping in. Again, Kathy is trying to keep us in Melissa's moment, but I think her feelings and tension about entering the class is much more important to this story -- and to building tension in the reader -- than air temperature.)

I think Kathy has a good start here, but I suggest that she step back, clear her mind of the author telling a story, then step inside Melissa's head and heart. Then tell the story as Melissa might, even though it's in third person. Use her language, her reactions to involve us with what's happening to her.

Many thanks for sending your work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Mai]

The beats of writing were too regular, and the sentences too long, I thought. But I liked the choices of adjectives, like heavy-lidded, scuffed, sparkly, silky and smooth, and the flow of the story, which, while slow in its development, showed a promise of emotional power that engaged me. If the rhythm and texture of the sentences had had more variety, and the writing were a tad more polished, I'd have turned the page. I almost did anyway.

[Kamila Miller]

This one worked for me, especially as a YA. The arrival of the warm air at the very end threw me off, though. It's not exactly contradictory, or truly confusing, just a little muddled suggesting that she was cold from being in the hallway and she's only just now noticing how the warm air feels nice. That's something I'd expect her to notice when she first came in and not now, unless the heater kicked in.

[Wendy]

A little overwritten in places, but not disengagingly so. I find myself curious to know the tall girl's name, and wish that one of the other students clustered around her had spoken her name. I am curious, I admit, to know why she's so unfriendly-seeming to Melissa.

One language quibble: it's a ballet barre (pronounced "bar"), not a barré (which would be pronouced "bar-AY" because of the acute accent).