Flogometer for Kamila: would you keep reading?

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Kamila's first 16 lines of a political fantasy:

Mark's feet curled from the chill as he stepped off the bedroom's rug into the opulent bathroom. Wheat-colored lengths of hair curtained his face as he bent over a marble sink to wash his nervousness away in jasmine-scented water. He settled his bare bottom on a mahogany chair and combed his hair. Maybe his gut pinched because he hadn't slept enough, or because he anticipated another ordinary day of dodging the household bully, but a superstitious part of him shivered. Maybe a morbai smiled at his fears and waited in the soul world to satisfy its malice with something especially nasty.

Lord Argenwain had fallen asleep only a few hours ago. Amazing that the all-night revelry didn't kill the old man. At nineteen years of age Mark could barely keep up with him.

Mark put on a lacy shirt, then hesitated at a barely-audible disturbance. The sound grew into Bainswell's footsteps, and the bedroom door whispered open.

"My lord." Bainswell's resonant voice licked a shudder up Mark's spine despite the fact that the valet had softened it. "I'm sorry to wake you, but you told me to get you up at three, and it's after."

Shit, after three. Mark had to hurry or he wouldn't get a chance to eat before his lesson.

"My lord?" Bainswell's voice deepened.

Didn't quite get me there

There are some nits in otherwise good writing, but I didn't feel much in the way of tension in these lines, and don't see much of a story question. I looked ahead, of course, and, other than a nasty scuffle with Bainswell, the chapter had the protagonist have breakfast and a session with a tutor. I didn't get a sense of jeopardy in the offing, nor the frustration of a goal of Mark's. While fantasy has "permission" with many readers to take its time while establishing the world, I think there needs to be more drama here. Some notes:

Mark's feet curled from the chill as when he stepped off the bedroom's rug into the opulent bathroom. Wheat-colored lengths of hair curtained his face as he bent over a marble sink to wash his nervousness away in jasmine-scented water. He settled his bare bottom on a mahogany chair and combed his hair. Maybe his gut pinched because he hadn't slept enough, or because he anticipated another ordinary day of dodging the household bully, but a superstitious part of him shivered. Maybe a morbai smiled at his fears and waited in the soul world to satisfy its malice with something especially nasty. (The mention of "wheat-colored" hair is a point of view slip from a close third person -- people just don't think of their hair color in this way. He can observe the color in the mirror, though that's a tired approach unless the observation is connected with an observation such as needing a trim or a wash. The bedroom didn't need to be possessive, and why did his toes curl? Was the bathroom floor cold marble, for example? It's a little thing, but it would help to motivate the action and give a picture if we saw the nature of the floor. Speaking of motivation, there's "nervousness," but we have no idea why…and don't learn it. Establish it before the washing. For example, he could rub his belly because of the feeling, and then wash.)

Lord Argenwain had fallen asleep only a few hours ago. Amazing that the all-night revelry didn't kill hadn't killed the old man. At nineteen, years of age Mark could barely keep up with him. (It's awkward, trying to work in a person's age while in his point of view. If possible, find a way for another character to do it, or express it in other terms. For example: Mark could barely keep up with him; how could a man of seventy decades best a youth of less than two? Don't need "years of age" since the topic of age has been introduced. The tense of "didn't kill" would have been okay if the reference had been to "their all-night revelries.")

Mark put on a lacy shirt, then hesitated at a barely-audible disturbance. The sound grew into Bainswell's footsteps, and the bedroom door whispered open. (Several things, including what strikes me as overwriting, i.e. "barely audible disturbance [no hyphen when an adverb modifies an adjective]. Why not, simply, Mark put on a lacy shirt, then paused at the sound of footsteps in the hallway outside. And how does he know they are Bainswell's? If they are, for instance, characteristically heavy, then the "heavy tread" could give a clue, but here there's no way for Mark to know whose footsteps they are.)

"My lord." Bainswell's resonant voice licked a shudder up Mark's spine despite the fact that the valet had softened it. "I'm sorry to wake you, but you told me to get you up at three, and it's after." (For me, "licked a shudder" was over the top, and took me out of the narrative. While you want strong verbs, sometimes they can step over the line, and this one did for me.)

Shit, after three. Mark had to hurry or he wouldn't get a chance to eat before his lesson.

"My lord?" Bainswell's voice deepened. (If you want the reader to "hear" that his voice deepened, that has to come before the speech.)

There's definitely storytelling skill here, and you should keep at it, but keep an eye out for point of view and clarity (like with the footsteps). While rich in detail, the following narrative lacked tension for me…check out the link above for "Story as River" for some thoughts on creating tension in a narrative.

Many thanks for sending your work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

---

Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[mai]

Settling a bare bottom in a chair was a yucky thing to read of, but if he'd sat in the same chair naked, I'd have been fine with it.

In the paragraph about Lord Argenwain, a hard-to-identify awkwardness of expression won't let me keep my eyes on the protagonist. I think it's the sentence starting "Amazing..." -- this is a kind of casual biz-speak style that doesn't work for me in this setting.

In this sentence, "Mark put on a lacy shirt, then hesitated at a barely-audible disturbance" -- three questions are raised for me -- what had he been going to do, does he have his trousers on yet (that's the residual effect, on this reader, of reading of settling a bare bottom in a mahogany chair), and if he has to react differently than he'd planned and he doesn't have his trousers on yet, will he run out half-dressed, or stop for a minute to pull some pants on. Three questions in one mini-scene disturb my involvement with the fantasy setting.

For me, "Bainswell's resonant voice licked a shudder up Mark's spine despite the fact that the valet had softened it" was completely distracting. It had a sexual sensibility, and an intensity that didn't fit with the rest of the writing.

The best lines for me?

"Shit, after three. Mark had to hurry or he wouldn't get a chance to eat before his lesson."

If there'd been a little more story before these lines, I'd have turned the page despite my other concerns.

[Bill]

It’s a pleasure to admire our own writing when we come up with phrases that have a special sparkle, and I think there are several in your excerpt. I admired “Bainswell's resonant voice licked a shudder up Mark's spine…,” but agree with Ray and Mai that this and a couple of others are over the top. Maybe they would fit better in a scene with higher drama. I think you’ve got something there, but you need to try seeing the scene from different angles until you find a hook that lifts it above mere description and pulls the reader into it. Easier said than done, but worth the effort.

[JanW]

Interesting concept - political fantasy. I'm really wondering about a few things that might have kept me going:
- a hint of where and when this is happening. Referring to a Lord and a lacy shirt made me think it was maybe a historical piece. But the name Mark didn't fit that.
- fewer adjectives. marble sink, jasmine-scented water, bare bottom, mahogany chair. The rhythm became predictable.
- And as for POV, I'm wondering if you were trying omni instead of close 3rd. There is a recent discussion on the OWW discussion list about omni making a comeback, so the shift away from tight 3rd didn't bother me that much.

Good luck with it.

[Kamila Miller]

It sounds like the prologue that I cut needs to come back. I'm not a big fan of prologues but it does set up Mark's hopes and dreams a lot better, shows what's at stake from up front, has a dramatic opening (with him holding his dead mother's hand through a winding sheet) and so forth.

Both with the prologue and this first chapter I did start with an omni pov and "zoomed in" until it became close third, and it remains close third for the rest of the book. I'm glad JanW noticed, not sure my attempt is working. Sounds like it's iffy.

I cut the prologue because I could reveal the happenings during the story and I'd heard that a lot of people simply don't read prologues. (Non-scientific study showed over 50% of people don't read the prologue and skip to chapter 1.) Nonetheless, I think cutting the prologue may have been a mistake.

Thanks for your comments and observations. I'll keep tightening this until it works. I'd of course be happy to hear more opinions, so if folks have more comments I'm definitely listening! Even if I don't open with this scene it's staying in the book, so I hope no one feels like their critiques are just going down the drain. I will use them to improve my prose here and overall in the book.

[JanW]

Kamila, my YA opens in a scene that takes place at the end of the timeline of the story. The book tells what leads to this dramatic event of the girl, Nancy, burying her boyfriend in the family field with her father.

I didn't list it as a prologue, but instead started with Chapter 1 and used a technique of putting the Month and Year just above the opening line. In Chapter 2, I put something like Two Weeks Earlier above the first line of the chapter. I think readers, and certainly TV viewers, are used to this device. It eliminates the label Prologue.

good luck with it!
Jan

[Arunz]

I'm gay, but this character seems so preening and vain, I dislike the him already. Bare botton/chair is TMI. Putting on a "lacy shirt" sounds like he's Liberace. What man wears a "lacy shirt" in 2008?
"Jasmine-scented water"? Are you kidding me?

Don't know where the story goes, but there's so many swishy stereotypes happening on page 1 that I wonder if the writer's met any gay men in the last 30 years. The effeminate imagery is too much, wonder if this figure's meant to get murdered like a bad old homophobic movie.

[Kamila Miller]

Sorry Arunz, it's set in an era roughly equivalent to the American Revolutionary Era, so all men wear lacy shirts unless they can't afford lace.

Sorry you found it offensive.