Flogometer for Rob: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Rob's first 16 lines of his YA fantasy:

In the kitchen, the kettle was blowing its top like a runaway steam train.

Eliza wrapped a towel around the handle and heaved it from the stove. Wispy curls of steam rose to the ceiling as she poured the boiling water into the waiting teapot, infusing the air with the delicate scent of bergamot.

She left the tea to brew for a moment when something caught her eye, and she automatically looked up. Did something just pass by the window? Wiping the condensation from the glass, she peered out past the garden to the dark tangled trees of Bracken Wood beyond.

Eventually, she shook her head, convincing herself that it was nothing, and poured the Earl Grey into a fine china cup.

A radio babbled away in the background, but its half-heard gossip was more a distraction than anything else and she reached over to switch it off. She raised the cup absently to her mouth to take a sip but ended up scalding her lips. With a wince, she placed the cup back on the kitchen table and ambled to the doorstep to take in the wood-scented air.

The moon sat there behind wispy clouds, bathing the ancient oaks and sycamores with an eerie glow that seemed to twist their trunks and boughs into evermore bizarre shapes. It was as if, under the stars that peppered heaven's canopy like a scattering of fairy dust, the forest had …

Didn't move me on.The writing is nice, but (for me) there's too much of it, as you'll see in a moment. There's what I see as overwriting, and all the detail that takes up so many words slows the pace of this story, and didn't manage to create any tension. After all, nothing much happens other than a woman makes tea and looks out a window. Some notes:

In the kitchen, the kettle was blowing its top like a runaway steam train. (Suggest "engine" rather than "train.")

Eliza wrapped a towel around the handle and heaved it from the stove. Wispy curls of steam rose to the ceiling as she poured the boiling water into the waiting teapot, infusing the air with the delicate scent of bergamot. ("heaved" bothered me a little -- is it that heavy? Also, I'd consider cutting this entire paragraph down to one line to the effect that she poured the boiling water into the teapot. And do you think young adult readers will have any idea what the scent of "bergamot" is? I had to look it up. Adding "orange" as an adjective would help, or "citrus." But I have to wonder how all this fine focus on the tea has to do with the story.)

She left the tea to brew for a moment when sSomething at the window caught her eye, and she automatically looked up. Did Had something just passed by the window? Wiping the condensation from the glass, she peered out past the garden to the dark tangled trees of Bracken Wood beyond.

Eventually, Seeing nothing, she shook her head , convincing herself that it was nothing, and poured the Earl Grey into a fine china cup.

A radio babbled away in the background, but its half-heard gossip was more a distraction than anything else and she reached over to switched it off. She sipped her tea and scalded raised the cup absently to her mouth to take a sip but ended up scalding her lips. With a wince, she placed the cup back She winced, and set the cup on the kitchen table, and ambled to the doorstep to take in the wood-scented air. (The "with a wince" doesn't really work because it applies to the action of setting the cup down, not the scalded lips. Also, what does scalding her lips have to do with the story? If they don't come into play later, you're just spinning your wheels. What do you mean by "wood-scented" air? Smells like wood? Seems to me wood doesn't have much of a smell (though sawdust does). Do you mean forest? If so, why not be more descriptive -- damp leaves, rotting wood, etc. All this tea stuff, in my view, could be forgotten and I'd jump ahead to the following paragraph after she wipes the condensation off the window. To use a cliché, cut to the chase.)

The moon sat there behind wispy clouds, bathing the ancient oaks and sycamores with an eerie glow that seemed to twist their trunks and boughs into evermore bizarre shapes. It was as if, under the stars that peppered heaven's canopy like a scattering of fairy dust, the forest had … (This narrative has much more interesting mood and description to it than the whole tea adventure, and would do a better job, IMO, in urging the reader on. It promises something. One thing -- the word "bizarre" is a "conclusion" word. It's the author deciding what things look like and summarizing. You can use it if you also include description that adds up to "bizarre," such as "bizarre shapes like skeletal giants and hungry ogres." "Eerie" is also a conclusion word, but you follow it with descriptive narrative that fleshes out the conclusion.)

That last paragraph shows the potential here. But does this chapter clear the hurdle of compelling? Not for me. But keep at it, Rob, and use that delete key.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Sheila]

I liked the image of a person thinking they see something through a steamed-up window - it's ominous and creates a bit of tension. The description of the forest adds to this feel. I agree with Ray that you could just keep these two elements for your beginning.

Like Ray, I don't think "heave" is the right word for the pot. And she ambles to the doorstep to breath in the air and look at the forest - does she have a door? Did she open it?

Good luck!

[Jessica]

When I'm reading, the difference between descriptive writing and overwriting comes down to the significance of the details being treated.

I thought the writing was clean, and the descriptions evocative, but I didn't think that much of what was being described merited the attention it was being given.

For me, the point that grabbed my interest was the flash of --what?-- in the window. IMO, *that* was what should have been front and center, with much description, both of it, and of the protagonist's reactions (internal and external) to it.

Nice, evocative writing, though. I'm curious what happens next.

[Jessica]

When I'm reading, the difference between descriptive writing and overwriting comes down to the significance of the details being treated.

I thought the writing was clean, and the descriptions evocative, but I didn't think that much of what was being described merited the attention it was being given.

For me, the point that grabbed my interest was the flash of --what?-- in the window. IMO, *that* was what should have been front and center, with much description, both of it, and of the protagonist's reactions (internal and external) to it.

Nice, evocative writing, though. I'm curious what happens next.

[Mai]

Overwriting sometimes has to do with the author unconsciously teaching the reader.

If this were the opening of an illustrated book for a younger audience, with minor some changes, it would do extremely well because of that teaching quality. And the writing is, as others have said, very evocative -- so much so that it would probably thrill any illustrator assigned to the book. The teaching aspect of the writing could be a little more straightforward; for example: "...infusing the air with the bergamot fragrance of Earl Grey Tea..."

I was really taken with the curved edges in the images -- "wrapped a towel around the handle," "Wispy curls of steam rose," "the dark tangled trees of Bracken Wood," "moon sat there behind wispy clouds," "ancient oaks and sycamores," and "twist their trunks and boughs into evermore bizarre shapes."

I can see her heaving that teapot -- it tells something about how delicate she is.

[Danie]

"When something caught her eye and she automatically looked up," and then the question comes: "Did something just past the window?" That's when I knew I'd give it a pass. Grammatically-speaking, there's nothing wrong with this opening, but until the last paragraph, it struck me as amateurish in execution, especially the above-mentioned part.

I sensed that the writer was finally comfortable with his scene when he started describing the night, the moon, the sycamores. It was as though the words were coming from somewhere else. This is smooth, evocative, and as Ray said, much more interesting.

I must say that I have a problem with the verb "sat" for almost any situation that doesn't involve a butt hitting a chair. I can't picture a moon sitting; it's hanging up there in the firmament, maybe sitting on a heavy cloud, but even then, the moon is heavier than the cloud so it wouldn't sit for long in my mind's eye, which tries to picture the scene.

[Kamila Miller]

I loved the details, but there were simply too many of them. I'd thought at first that I would get a glimpse of what's out there, and that came nice and quick, but then it got shrugged off and the story returned to description.

About the description--what is it doing? Some things, like the hefting, serve to inform the reader about the frailness of the character (although that may have been a misleading detail.) The rest--if this was theater, the play would mostly be backdrop so far. I would have turned the page simply because the prose was so lovely, but if nothing more of interest happened on page two, I'd definitely put the book down. There's too little time in the world, alas, for me to wait for the story to begin or for flickers of things to return on their own.

Which leads me to another point--since the pov character dismissed the flicker of something, I assume the flicker returns on its own. That's a bad, telling design flaw in that the pov character isn't protagging. Like the reader is forced to do, she waits for things to happen to her. That's not a promising start and is another reason why I'd only read on a tiny bit further before giving up on this story, lush as it promises to be.

[L.L. Abbott]

I liked much of what I read, though as various statements above, that would seem to indicate I'm am amateur reader.

Changing "runaway steam train" to 'runaway steam engine' -- train implies everything from the engine to the caboose. The common vernacular is 'runaway train.' It's the old steam enginees that you want your young readers to envision.

As for heaving -- When I read "kettle" I think of cast iron. If your FMC is somewhat slight, "heaved" worked for me. As does the rest of the finely worded paragraph. It sets a scene and tone.

I'd delete: "and she automatically looked up." as it slows the tension you are trying to instigate. I'd also change a few ing words to ed-- "She wiped the condensation from the glass and peered through the window; out past the garden to the dark tangled trees of Bracken Wood beyond." making it more active. "Satified it was nothing, she turned and poured the Earl Grey into a fine china cup."

I agree with the rest of Ray's suggested corrections. But understand your use of wince and wood. Though, you may want to better define the scent you wish to arouse.

You could avoid the whole 'sat/hung' issue [though most would know what you are saying] by rewording to something like: Wispy clouds shrouded the moon, bathing ...

The "fairy dust" adds a whole other element to the story. With a little rework, I would turn the page!