Flogometer for Richard: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Richard's first 16 lines of his short story:

'Which one?' Selen whispered into Fiona's ear. She was afraid to sound too excited - or her best friend would tease her for weeks.

'Bashtar,' Fiona replied, her large brown eyes fixed on the figures moving far below, on the green field. 'No boy can match him.' She sighed and hummed, as if from pleasure. Cain Bashtar. Of course no boy could match him - he was no boy himself for a long time now, even at seventeen. He was far taller than anyone else, his massive, always naked tanned arms reaching further or higher than any of his opponents' shields could cover. Both girls watched him with fascination, his every move noted - a feinted thrust, a push with his own shield against the other boy's, a long sweep from the shoulder. When his opponent was down, Cain bowed and threw the sword and shield to the ground. Boys around him, mostly younger, patted his shoulders, eyes excited, their lips moving, words muted by the distance.

A new pair of boys picked up the weapons and Selen felt her heart beat faster at the sight of one of them. Walin Oakhouse. Wooden swords began smashing the shields again.

'What do you think?' she looked at Fiona, finding the other girl yawning.

'What?' Fiona watched the sparring boys. 'Oh. These are weaklings.'

Didn't quite get me there
While there are interesting things going on, and Richard has started with action and a lively scene, for me (subjective, remember) there wasn't that much tension, and there are craft issues that I'll address now.

'Which one?' Selen whispered into Fiona's ear. She was afraid to sound too excited - or her best friend would tease her for weeks.

'Bashtar,' Fiona replied said, her large brown eyes gaze fixed on the figures moving on the green field far below the hilltop, on the green field. 'No boy can match him.' She sighed and hummed, as if from pleasure. Cain Bashtar. Of course no boy could match him - he was had been no boy himself for a long time now. , eEven at seventeen,. H he was far taller than anyone else, his massive, always naked tanned arms reaching further or higher than any of his opponents' shields could cover. Both girls watched him with fascination, his every move noted - a feinted thrust, a push with his own shield against the other boy's, a long sweep of his wooden sword from the shoulder. When his opponent was down, Cain bowed and threw the sword and shield to the ground. Boys around him, mostly younger, patted his shoulders, eyes excited, their lips moving, words muted by the distance. (For me, several issues in this paragraph other than the edits. First, using "replied" rather than said. There's no need to explain the dialogue this way, it's clearly a reply to the previous question. Use "said" whenever you can. There was a lack of clarity, too. For example, the "far below" led me to imagine that they were high on a wall, but it turned out they were at the top of a hill. An easy fix. The point of view in the first paragraph is Selen's -- close third person, we're inside her mind -- but here it's omniscient, and then later we're back inside Selen's pov. One change to shift the pov back to Selen's was getting rid of her "large brown" eyes; a character would not think of her eyes in such a way. There's the usual use of "eyes" to mean "gaze." On the pov issue, the "Both girls watched" would need to change to "Selen" if a good close third person is to be the pov. Also, I thought "massive, always naked tanned arms" was long and complicated, and would look for ways to trim it or break it up.)

A new pair of boys picked up the weapons and Selen's felt her heart beat faster at the sight of one of them. Walin Oakhouse. Wooden swords began smashing the shields again smashed shields. (I'm against the use of "felt" when showing is better. I tightened the last sentence to lose the passive to be/participle construction for a crisper description of action.)

Selen said, 'What do you think?' she looked at Fiona, finding the other girl yawning. (After the long paragraph of description, I thought it a good idea to identify the speaker with a dialogue tag. And I thought it would be crisper to shift the yawn to the yawner. I don't think we need to tell the reader that Selen looks at Fiona to get the yawn in, just make it happen.)

Fiona yawned. 'What?' Fiona watched the sparring boys. 'Oh. TheseThose are weaklings.'

I think Richard's writing shows promise, and he's creating a good scene. But I'd trim the long descriptive paragraph and try to get something more tension-producing on this first page. An opportunity lies in Selen's response to Fiona's dismissal of Selen's favorite as a weakling.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kamila Miller]

I'm with Ray on this one. There's some interesting things going on, but not enough sports. To hold my interest the two girls would have to have something going on between them or the pov character has to have a problem or a question, anything really to create tension. Also, they sounded bubble-headed. Why are we on the hill with them, listening to them sigh about guys without any of the normal complexity/anxiety that comes with crushes? It sounds like they haven't put any thought into their feelings (yet?) so they're not at a point where they're at any emotional risk. It read like two high school girls sighing about Justin Timberlake (unreachable, untouchable) rather than two girls sighing about the quarterback (where reachability and touchability is based on social dynamic and risk-taking.)

I was taught to start with the pov character that had the most at stake in the story. Not always the most to lose--sometimes it's the most to gain. But win or lose, big changes coming up creates tension, and I didn't read any here.

[mai]

From a female point of view, the warrior's skills wouldn't be noticed or dissected in as much detail as they are here. The girls would pay attention to grace, power, and conformation. Even if the girls were also warriors-in-training, the focus would be primarily on looks and motion, rather than explicit skills. I knew the author was male when I read "...his every move noted - a feinted thrust, a push with his own shield against the other boy's, a long sweep from the shoulder..." -- I hadn't checked the author's name before reading.

Unless Cain Bashtar is a villain, "Cain" is a hard name to saddle him with, and "Bashtar" has a negative feel to it because of the harshness of its consonants, and the use of the word "bash" in as its first syllable. If he is a villain, and he's being presented as someone admirable at this point, do you want to telegraph his villainy this early in the story, via his name?

[Richard]

Thanks for great comments! Getting that necessary tension without overdoing it is the hardest thing for me right now.
Mai and Kamilla: thanks for the excellent input on the POV. I always feel like I lack a more feminine touch in writing female POV. Oh well, you write you learn :)

And yes, Cain is indeed a more villainous character, though not in a conventional sense. Now that you brought it up, the name does give it away!

[Liz]

Hello Richard. I also picked up on the "maleness" of Selen's thinking. It's really hard to get into the opposite gender's head, isn't it? John Shors did it perfectly in his debut novel Beneath a Marble Sky. Check it out, it's a remarkable book IMO.