Flogometer for L.L.: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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L.L.'s first 16 lines of science fiction:

"Hello, my handsome!"

Perrie Stevens sat on her heels to pick up a lithe black tiger-striped cat. He welcomed her with a scant audible purr and rubbed his nose to hers. She returned a loving kiss on his forehead and lowered him back to the floor. He trotted off toward the living room as Perrie turned to close the door.

As she followed after her little house-mate, Perrie removed a small red parcel from her handbag which she tossed, along with her keys into an overstuffed chair. She kicked off her shoes and walked to the far side of the living room to turn on the stereo. An old track from Silent Lion kept her momentarily transfixed. How fortunate for the Allies that music so influenced her life. Though Perrie always heard the voices we needed her to hear, it took much longer to make her understand why. She listened now, not so much to the words -- or even the music -- but to the voice of a stranger, only of recent remembered as her brother.

When the FM DJ interrupted and went to an obligatory commercial, the ethereal connection was lost. Perrie turned, and without second thought, headed toward her studio upstairs. Simultaneously, those of us involved in her Awakening, gathered inter-dimensionally, Within.

Half of each step shelved part of Perrie's eclectic library. As she progressed past the section of books on art and design, a small dark blur rushed by and took his usual place of dignified victory at. . .

Despite interesting tidbits, I didn't move on
It was a craft issue that stopped me. There's good writing here, and that interesting little reference to "we" right in the midst of what appears to be a third-person narrative, and the reference by an omniscient narrator to her "Awakening." The craft issue was overwriting. My notes to L.L.:

"Hello, my handsome!"

Perrie Stevens sat on her heels to pick up a lithe black tiger-striped cat. He welcomed her with a scant audible purr and rubbed his nose to hers. She returned a loving kissed on his forehead and lowered him back to the floor.  He trotted off toward the living room as Perrie turned to close the door. (A cat, by nature, is lithe: unnecessary. "Scant audible" doesn't seem needed, and is wordy -- if the purr must be characterized, and I don't see why, something like "soft" would do. She can't really be retuning a kiss since she didn't actually receive one, and I felt that her kissing his forehead showed us a loving affection, which made "loving" here an instance of telling. The cat trotting in and her turning to close the door is just overwriting, detail that's not needed.)

As she followed after her little house-mate into her living room, Perrie removed a small red parcel from her handbag which she and tossed, along with her keys it into an overstuffed chair. She kicked off her shoes and walked to the far side of the living room to turn

ed on the stereo. An old track from Silent Lion kept her momentarily transfixed her. How fortunate for the Allies that music so influenced her life. Though Perrie always heard the voices we needed her to hear, it took much longer to make her understand why. She listened now, not so much to the words -- or even the music -- but to the voice of a stranger, only of recent remembered as her brother. ("Small" is a "conclusion" word and not needed. Also, if it comes from a handbag, the reader will understand that it's small enough to fit into a handbag. By the way, L.L., you set up a continuity problem with the parcel on the chair -- later you have her open it upstairs, but she never picks it up from the chair. The detail about walking across the room just isn't needed (overwriting), nor is the fact that she tossed her keys onto the chair.)

When the FM DJ interrupted andstation went to an obligatory commercial, the ethereal connection was lost. Perrie turned, and without second thought, headed toward her studio upstairs. Simultaneously, those of us involved in her Awakening, gathered inter-dimensionally, Within. (The "FM DJ" stopped me as I had to translate what the initials meant. Doesn't seem necessary -- and would a DJ really interrupt a song? Doing something without a thought isn't needed, it seems to me -- if the narrator wants to make a point that she doesn't notice the "voices," then the narrator can let us know.)

Half of each stair step shelved part of Perrie's eclectic library. As she progressed past passed the section of books on art and design, a small dark blur Name of Cat rushed by and took his usual place of dignified victory at. . . "Eclectic" is another conclusion word. If the cat was given a name when introduced, then "small dark blur," an unclear description, wouldn't be needed.)

I think there's an interesting story here, but in my view -- a subjective one, of course -- there's too much unneeded detail cluttering the narrative and slowing the pace. This style continued, and for me the narrative trudged, burdened with minutia that I didn't care about and that didn't seem to contribute to the story.

My advice, L.L., is to keep at it, but use that delete key. I don't know if this will help, but try reading it aloud. Sometimes when I do this for my own stuff I'll find my thoughts wandering, a sure sign of narrative that should be tightened.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kamila Miller]

I'd prefer to have the stuff about the Awakening come sooner to draw me in. Much as I love cats (I own four) I'm not hooked by reading about someone else's cat. I definitely like the cat being there; I just don't find its presence compelling and would like something more unusual, something that brings up questions and creates a little tension, to keep me interested while I'm reading about this woman and her relationship with her cat.

[Bill]

I agree with Kamilla and Ray (whose pruning job really helps): All of your scene setting gets in the way of your main subject: the Awakening. Try seeing cat and music and books through the lens of Awakening.

I’m not a cat person and can’t quite understand what a black tiger-striped cat looks like. Am I a little dense or am I a typical reader? For “sat on her heels to pick up” I would offer “sat on her heels and picked up.” The feeling of parallel verbs is more satisfying to me. I don’t like “of recent remembered.”

But I’ve got to admit that the ”we” in ” the voices we needed her to hear” and “those of us involved in her Awakening” caught my attention. Maybe you’ve got something. Write more and cut more.

[Rahma]

First off, I think the story has potential. The sentence that hooked me was: "Simultaneously, those of us involved in her Awakening, gathered inter-dimensionally, Within."

My comments: Seeing the relationship with the cat and all the details that it takes to get her into the chair are tedious.

My first thought to the reference to Allies was WWII (but I'm not that old!) then I wondered if it was a music group. It took a while to realize it's connected to the mysterious unseen beings.

I think it might be worth writing this through the point of view of the 'we' characters. Maybe they can even talk to each other thereby giving you an opportunity to make observances about Perrie that would be awkward from the anonymous narrator.

I didn't get that the 'small,dark blur' was the cat until I read Ray's critique. I thought it was another being from the nether world.

Ninety percent of writing seems to be a ruthless pruning job. Keep writing.

[Sheila]

I would have read on, I love being tantalized by story questions early on, and there are plenty here. The problem I had is that there were too many. What is an “Awakening?” Why is her brother a stranger? What is in the red package? What is Inter-dimensional gathering “Within?” Who is the narrator and how do they know what she is hearing in her head? This is just me, but if there are too many questions buzzing around in my head, frustration can lead me to put the book down, so I'd hope for some quick clarification on some of these points.

Like Bill, I didn’t like the “of recent remembered” turn of phrase. The "black tiger-striped cat" description may be confusing to some because it sounds like you are saying the cat is black, when tiger-striped cats are usually some other color (gray) with black stripes. I also didn’t get that the small blur was the cat, I thought it was one of the mysterious beings.

I think this is very interesting, though. Good luck!