Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Gary: would you keep reading?

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Review A brief review of We the Enemy.

"I liked the characters, they were all very easy to picture and fun to know. The plot kept moving and after about page sixty once everyone was introduced and rolling, I got sucked right in and the hours (that I probably should have been working, heh) flew by."

Dar

Click the image for free PDF.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Gary's first 16 lines:

"Someone took my daughter, and I want her back." Scott Davenport leaned across my desk. "I've tried everything, and I'll do anything. Susan's been gone more than four years, but I'll never stop looking for her. I promised her mother I'd never quit."

"What have the police told you?"

He flung his arms up. "They've given up. They tell me it's a dead end. I need a lead, a breakthrough."

"Let me give you some advice. No charge. Work with the cops. They're the experts and they don't cost anything."

I didn't tell him I figured his daughter was dead.

"My wife died four years ago yesterday. Today, I'm starting over at square one."

"Look, if I take your case, then it gets done my way. Maybe I come up with something, maybe I don't."

Davenport gave me a long stare. "Whatever it takes, Tony. You do what you think is necessary, push as hard as you can. Legal or not, I don't care."

I believed him. "Okay, I'll see what I can do." I buzzed my assistant in the front office.

Davenport jumped off the chair and grabbed my hand, pumping like he was jacking up a pickup truck..

I hesitated, which means this opening lost

This came close, and has good writing, but I just wasn't gripped. Maybe because there so much talk, yet a lack of tension. And the handshake seemed comical, not dramatic. However, Gary is definitely doing the right thing by starting with a scene. But, for me, it just didn't come to life.

I think that it didn't because I can't "see" anything. The Davenport character says things that seem like they would have intense emotion behind them, but that part's not in the narrative. Some notes:

"Someone took my daughter, and I want her back." Scott Davenport leaned across my desk. "I've tried everything, and I'll do anything. Susan's been gone more than four years, but I'll never stop looking for her. I promised her mother I'd never quit." (I think we need to see intensity and emotion from this person. This is dramatic stuff, so how is he delivering it? Would he be sitting, or maybe pacing? What's his body language? His expression? I trimmed some dialog -- it seemed repetitive. And there was the echo of "never stop" and "never quit" in the last two sentences.)

"What have the police told you?" (Right here would be a great place for the protagonist to note things that signal the man's distress.)

He flung his arms up. "They've given up. They tell me That it's a dead end. I need a lead, a breakthrough." (This, too, seemed repetitive. Either "given up" or "dead end" is enough, no need for both. Also, the question was what they said, not what they did. This dialog could stand to be crisper, IMO.)

"Let me give you some advice. No charge. Work with the cops. They're the experts and they don't cost anything."

I didn't tell him I figured his daughter was dead. (The "didn't tell him" part is redundant because, well, he doesn't tell him. If you wanted to show a hint of sympathy, what I've left could be followed by something such as: but I didn't want to say it.)

"My wife died four years ago yesterday. Today, I'm starting over at square one." (I don't see what this information has to do with anything at this point. Either include the relevance, or save it for later.)

"Look, if I take your case, then it gets done my way. Maybe I come up with something, maybe I don't." (Feels too soon to get into this, and not dramatic. Wouldn't the detective ask questions about the disappearance before going here? And I can tell you that details of the disappearance and more on the daughter would be more gripping for me. For example, right now I'm thinking that the missing girl is a child, but it turns out that she was grown. A description of the prospective client that let us know he was in his 50s would have helped.)

Davenport gave me a long stare. "Whatever it takes, Tony. You do what you think is necessary, push as hard as you can. Legal or not, I don't care."

I believed him. "Okay, I'll see what I can do." I buzzed for my assistant in the front office. (He takes the case without knowing any more than this? I guess that this is why this opening seemed talky to me -- the talk isn't focused on the dramatic event, the kidnapping. It feels flat to me.)

Davenport jumped off the chair and grabbed pumped my hand, pumping like he was jacking up a pickup truck. (The action described seemed comical to me, and the reference to a pickup truck seemed out of place -- why a truck instead of a car?)

The next sentence has the detective talking about his retainer check. Gary next includes an element that might have served to create a more dramatic opening. He has the client character take a notebook out of a briefcase and explain that it:

"... has every newspaper clipping and magazine article on the case since day one. There are transcripts of television news reports and a summary of what I know and what I've done."

What if this was the element that started the story, but more dramatically? For example:

The guy dumped a briefcase full of papers on my desk. "My daughter's been missing four years." He pushed newspaper clippings at me. "Here are all the stories." He grabbed a notebook and showed me pages and pages of cramped writing. "I've got every TV report, everything!"

For me, this shows more emotion than leaning across a desk, and I care about the guy a little. I think Gary needs more punch in this opening -- he may be going for the flat, matter-of-fact attitude of an old-style hard-boiled detective story, and it would be okay for the detective to reflect that attitude, but I felt the need for more intensity.

Comments on the opening, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

---

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Gary: would you keep reading?

---

Review A brief review of We the Enemy.

"I liked the characters, they were all very easy to picture and fun to know. The plot kept moving and after about page sixty once everyone was introduced and rolling, I got sucked right in and the hours (that I probably should have been working, heh) flew by."

Dar

Click the image for free PDF.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Gary's first 16 lines:

"Someone took my daughter, and I want her back." Scott Davenport leaned across my desk. "I've tried everything, and I'll do anything. Susan's been gone more than four years, but I'll never stop looking for her. I promised her mother I'd never quit."

"What have the police told you?"

He flung his arms up. "They've given up. They tell me it's a dead end. I need a lead, a breakthrough."

"Let me give you some advice. No charge. Work with the cops. They're the experts and they don't cost anything."

I didn't tell him I figured his daughter was dead.

"My wife died four years ago yesterday. Today, I'm starting over at square one."

"Look, if I take your case, then it gets done my way. Maybe I come up with something, maybe I don't."

Davenport gave me a long stare. "Whatever it takes, Tony. You do what you think is necessary, push as hard as you can. Legal or not, I don't care."

I believed him. "Okay, I'll see what I can do." I buzzed my assistant in the front office.

Davenport jumped off the chair and grabbed my hand, pumping like he was jacking up a pickup truck..

I hesitated, which means this opening lost

This came close, and has good writing, but I just wasn't gripped. Maybe because there so much talk, yet a lack of tension. And the handshake seemed comical, not dramatic. However, Gary is definitely doing the right thing by starting with a scene. But, for me, it just didn't come to life.

I think that it didn't because I can't "see" anything. The Davenport character says things that seem like they would have intense emotion behind them, but that part's not in the narrative. Some notes:

"Someone took my daughter, and I want her back." Scott Davenport leaned across my desk. "I've tried everything, and I'll do anything. Susan's been gone more than four years, but I'll never stop looking for her. I promised her mother I'd never quit." (I think we need to see intensity and emotion from this person. This is dramatic stuff, so how is he delivering it? Would he be sitting, or maybe pacing? What's his body language? His expression? I trimmed some dialog -- it seemed repetitive. And there was the echo of "never stop" and "never quit" in the last two sentences.)

"What have the police told you?" (Right here would be a great place for the protagonist to note things that signal the man's distress.)

He flung his arms up. "They've given up. They tell me That it's a dead end. I need a lead, a breakthrough." (This, too, seemed repetitive. Either "given up" or "dead end" is enough, no need for both. Also, the question was what they said, not what they did. This dialog could stand to be crisper, IMO.)

"Let me give you some advice. No charge. Work with the cops. They're the experts and they don't cost anything."

I didn't tell him I figured his daughter was dead. (The "didn't tell him" part is redundant because, well, he doesn't tell him. If you wanted to show a hint of sympathy, what I've left could be followed by something such as: but I didn't want to say it.)

"My wife died four years ago yesterday. Today, I'm starting over at square one." (I don't see what this information has to do with anything at this point. Either include the relevance, or save it for later.)

"Look, if I take your case, then it gets done my way. Maybe I come up with something, maybe I don't." (Feels too soon to get into this, and not dramatic. Wouldn't the detective ask questions about the disappearance before going here? And I can tell you that details of the disappearance and more on the daughter would be more gripping for me. For example, right now I'm thinking that the missing girl is a child, but it turns out that she was grown. A description of the prospective client that let us know he was in his 50s would have helped.)

Davenport gave me a long stare. "Whatever it takes, Tony. You do what you think is necessary, push as hard as you can. Legal or not, I don't care."

I believed him. "Okay, I'll see what I can do." I buzzed for my assistant in the front office. (He takes the case without knowing any more than this? I guess that this is why this opening seemed talky to me -- the talk isn't focused on the dramatic event, the kidnapping. It feels flat to me.)

Davenport jumped off the chair and grabbed pumped my hand, pumping like he was jacking up a pickup truck. (The action described seemed comical to me, and the reference to a pickup truck seemed out of place -- why a truck instead of a car?)

The next sentence has the detective talking about his retainer check. Gary next includes an element that might have served to create a more dramatic opening. He has the client character take a notebook out of a briefcase and explain that it:

"... has every newspaper clipping and magazine article on the case since day one. There are transcripts of television news reports and a summary of what I know and what I've done."

What if this was the element that started the story, but more dramatically? For example:

The guy dumped a briefcase full of papers on my desk. "My daughter's been missing four years." He pushed newspaper clippings at me. "Here are all the stories." He grabbed a notebook and showed me pages and pages of cramped writing. "I've got every TV report, everything!"

For me, this shows more emotion than leaning across a desk, and I care about the guy a little. I think Gary needs more punch in this opening -- he may be going for the flat, matter-of-fact attitude of an old-style hard-boiled detective story, and it would be okay for the detective to reflect that attitude, but I felt the need for more intensity.

Comments on the opening, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

---

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Tom: would you keep reading?

---

Review Another brief review of We the Enemy.

"I liked the characters, they were all very easy to picture and fun to know. The plot kept moving and after about page sixty once everyone was introduced and rolling, I got sucked right in and the hours (that I probably should have been working, heh) flew by."

Dar

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Tom's first 16 lines:

For the first time in ten years, Martin Addison was going home. Home, to the West Country spa town he where he had grown up. Home, to Ilmington Spa, with all its Regency buildings and bustle. With all its memories.

He watched out of the train window as a farm trundled past, a cluster of brick buildings and corrugated iron barns around a central courtyard. A dirty tractor and trailer sat incongruously next to a gleaming new family car. The farm gave way to a field of cows. They trotted idly away from the line, long since accustomed to the periodic rush of trains passing by. Memories stirred in Martin's head.

"It's a cow's name."

"It's a nice name."

"You're just saying that."

"Of course I am. I like it."

"It still reminds me of cows."

"It reminds me of you."

Daisy. It was only a matter of time before something reminded him of her. He couldn't imagine that she could still be living in Ilmington, but nonetheless, it seemed he could not go

This narrative didn't engage me

While I think there is good writing here, there's almost no hint of story. With the exception of the "With all its memories" line, which suggests that something happened in the past, this is just description and a flashback.

If he has a purpose in returning home after ten years and it promises drama -- for example, to settle a grudge, or find a killer, or make things right, or -- that would help a bunch. But all of the chapter Tom sent was description of the town with a few memories mixed in, but there was no tension, no promise of trouble for our hero -- he's just riding a train into a town. Some notes:

For the first time in ten years, Martin Addison was going home. Home, to the West Country spa town he where he had grown up. Home, to Ilmington Spa, with all its Regency buildings and bustle. With all its memories. (While there's nothing technically wrong with this, it doesn't spark much interest in me. I can see that returning home after ten years is something I need to know, but do we need all the rest about the regency buildings?)

He watched out of the train window as a farm trundled past, a cluster of brick buildings and corrugated iron barns around a central courtyard. A dirty tractor and trailer sat incongruously next to a gleaming new family car. The farm gave way to a field of cows. They trotted idly away from the line, long since accustomed to the periodic rush of trains passing by. Memories stirred in Martin's head. (The farm trundling past bothered me. I know what you're going for, but it's a bit early in the narrative to turn reality on its head for me. If the farm seemed to trundle past, I could buy into the effect. "A field of cows" was a twist that almost worked, but I'd have preferred "cows in a field" and a number, i.e. a dozen. There's a slip into omniscient point of view here when we're told that the cows are long accustomed to trains passing. How would he know? He hasn't been there for ten years. And "memories stirred in his head" is a big sign that says, "Flashback coming! We're going to stop finding out what's happening now and go into what happened then.")

"It's a cow's name."

"It's a nice name."

"You're just saying that."

"Of course I am. I like it."

"It still reminds me of cows."

"It reminds me of you." (While this is a nice exchange, it's so out of context that it doesn't have a lot of impact. And I'd have liked just one dialog tag to let me know which of the speakers is Martin.)

Daisy. It was only a matter of time before something reminded him of her. He couldn't imagine that she could still be living in Ilmington, but nonetheless, it seemed he could not go… (If only he could be reminded of their passion, or that terrible night he last saw her, or of something that promises story.)

After reading 6 pages, I had no idea what this story was about other than a man arriving on a train in a town where he had grown up. No notion of why he's returning, or what his arrival might stir up. I think we're getting the dreaded "info dump," and Tom needs to skip ahead to where something happens to Martin.

Comments on the opening, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

---

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Dan: would you keep reading?

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Review of We the Enemy

"We the Enemy has the crackling pace and action of a good thriller - because it is a good thriller - and it has enough serious ideas to make you really think, too."

Dallen

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Dan's first 16 lines:

John Krebsbach in the co-pilot's seat. The plane responded by leveling off as the hum of the engine diminished. Krebsbach admired the vista spread out before his eyes: a deep blue sky above the craft, a horizon devoid of clouds with only a solitary airliner contrail thousands of feet above them marring the seamless sky.

"Hold on to your hat," warned Peter as he pushed the yoke forward so that the nose of the plane dropped and the scene through the windows changed to the quilted patchwork of farms 5000 feet below. Peter turned the yoke left so that the plane began a corkscrewing turn as it descended.

John felt his heart turning somersaults in his chest and his hands gripped the armrests tightly. A glaze of sweat broke out on his forehead as he punched a few words out between pursed lips.

"You do this a lot?"

The detail of the ground below increased with each passing second. John could tell which field had corn and which one beans. He could count the number of cows in a barnyard pen and he could identify individual chickens. In a few seconds more he distinguished that the pickup truck driving on a road was missing a hubcap.

Nope

Despite Dan's efforts, this narrative didn't have the stuff to move me on. Not a lot of tension here -- even though the plane is diving, we have the sense that everything is under control. And then there's the overwriting. Some notes:

John Krebsbach in the co-pilot's seat. The plane responded by leveling leveled off as the hum of the engine diminished. and  Krebsbach admired the vista spread out before his eyes: a deep blue sky above the craft, and a horizon devoid of clouds, with only a solitary airliner contrail thousands of feet above them marring the seamless sky. (Obviously there are words missing from the first sentence, maybe because there were problems in converting the file to one I could use. Dan is setting a scene here, but it's pretty flat. If it were put in terms of John's reactions to where he is, it might help…but only if he's maybe a little afraid, or there's a problem. More on that in a minute.)

"Hold on to your hat," warned Peter. as hHe pushed the yoke forward, so that the nose of the plane dropped and the scene through the windows changed to the quilted patchwork of farms 5000 feet below. Peter turned the yoke left so that tThe plane began aplunged into a corkscrewing turn as it descended. ("Hold on to your hat" is a bit of a cliché. The "plunged" is just a suggestion to give more drama to what's happening.)

John's felt his heart somersaulted turning somersaults in his chest and he clenched his hands gripped the armrests tightly. A glaze of sSweat broke out on his forehead as he punched a few words out between pursed lips. , and he said, "You do this a lot?" (This is action, and short, crisp sentences give a greater sense of movement. I did a little rewriting as thought-starters. For example, getting rid of the adverbial description -- gripped tightly -- in exchange for a stronger verb -- clenched.)

The detail of the ground below increased with each passing second.In seconds, John could tell which field had corn and which one beans. He could count the number of cows in a barnyard pen and he could identify individual chickens. In a few seconds more he distinguished that the A pickup truck driving on a road was missing a hubcap. (The first sentence is telling, the rest is showing what the first sentence told. I suspect there's still overmuch of it, though.)

Dan's chapter went on for pages and pages of what we call "info dump," with backgrounds of the two people in the plane and the history of the land below them.

Finally, at the end of the chapter, they see a car go off a country road below them, they make an emergency landing, and pull an injured woman and a baby from the car before it burst into flames. If I were Dan, I'd open my chapter with that and get into the story. All the exposition, if needed, can be woven in later, but just isn't necessary at this point in the story. Keep working, Dan, you'll get there.

Comments on the opening, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

---

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Silvia: would you keep reading?

---

Review A brief review of We the Enemy came in.

"We the Enemy has the crackling pace and action of a good thriller - because it is a good thriller - and it has enough serious ideas to make you really think, too."

Dallen

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Silvia's first 16 lines:

Lia Abreau had a good day, until she got the call from New York City. She glanced at the caller-ID and knew she had to take it. In journalism, one never knows.

"Lia, I may have a lead," Joan shouted into her ear.

Lia braced herself. None of Joan's prior calls had turned into solid leads and Lia knew why. Joan worked at the new gossip magazine in the city.

"Joan, hello," Lia said, glancing out the window. She needed to go home. Rain was on the way and she walked to work today.

"Listen," Joan said. "My sources tell me the member of a wealthy family in your town may be terminal."

"Your sources?" Lia asked.

"Yes," Joan said, ignoring her question. "You heard the name Donald Bell?"

"As in the Bell family?" Lia asked, shutting her eyes. She had to remind herself that Joan was a gossip columnist and not get too excited. Sure, she needed leads for an overdue investigative story, but she had to stay away from gossip. And there was plenty of that in both Northport and New York City.

"My sources peeked in his medical file, from long ago. And Bell was seen leaving a …

Didn't grab me
As you know if you've read this blog much, my view is that the opening of a novel does have to grab you, and this opening (for me) dawdled a bit, and there were some craft issues. Some notes:

Lia Abreau had a good day, until she got the call from New York City. She glanced at the caller-ID and knew she had to take it. In journalism, one never knows. (A couple of verb tense issues: Lia Abreau had had…or Lia Abreau'd had… In journalism, one never knew.  I question the part about having had a good day -- how is that relevant to the story?)

"Lia, I may have a lead," Joan shouted into her ear. (I'd eliminate the "Lia" reference -- three paragraphs in a row start with it, and I'd turn this sentence around. While we're at it, why not cut to the chase sooner and start raising story questions, i.e.Joan shouted into her ear, "I have a lead on a potential suicide in your town.")

Lia braced herself. None of Joan's prior calls had turned into solid leads and Lia knew why. Joan worked at the new gossip magazine in the city. (Slips out of point of view to deliver the info about Joan. This could be condensed into one line of internal monologue that gets the info in, i.e. What kind of lead could a gossip writer have?)

"Joan, hello," Lia said, glancing out the window. She needed to go home. Rain was on the way and she walked to work today. (Looked out of the window where? We could use some scene-setting here. Would be good to know if she's in the office of a newspaper. Also, I think this is a waste of words -- to have a character say hello when you're trying to engage a reader doesn't serve your purposes. You could at least ask something like "A lead to what?")

"Listen," Joan said. "My sources tell me the member of a wealthy family in your town may be terminal." (Why is Joan teasing the information out? Wouldn't she be eager to spill details? For example: "My sources tell me Donald Bell is terminal.")

"Your sources?" Lia asked. (Another wasted opportunity. Repeating dialogue doesn't move the story forward. Here, Lia could respond with more internal dialogue that also gives information, and then ask a question. For example: Donald Bell's family had more money than God. "Somebody says he's going to kill himself?")

"Yes," Joan said, ignoring her question. "You heard the name Donald Bell?" (As you've seen, we've already gotten this information in. Also, if Joan is going to ignore Lia's question, why have Lia ask it?)

"As in the Bell family?" Lia asked, shutting her eyes. She had to remind herself that Joan was a gossip columnist and not get too excited. Sure, she needed leads for an overdue investigative story, but she had to stay away from gossip. And there was plenty of that in both Northport and New York City. (Silvia is working to weave in exposition here, and that's good. But it could be quicker. And we don't, I think, need this much of a reminder about the gossip source. For example, Could she use this? From a gossip rag? Also, the exposition about "an overdue investigative story" was on the clunky side, clearly the author intruding to try and give us some motivation for urgency and not a natural part of the character's thought processes, IMO.)

"My sources peeked in his medical file, from long ago. And Bell was seen leaving a …

For me, this narrative needs tightening and focus. While the repetition and unanswered questions, etc., might be heard in a real conversation, this is a story conversation -- it has to feel real while at the same time propel the story forward. More than that, what does this information really mean to Lia? What potential impact will it have on her? Why should I care enough to turn the page?

Keep at it, Silvia, you're on the way and working on the learning curve. Thanks for sending your work, and I hope this helps you.

Comments on the opening, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

---

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey