Flogometer for Mary: would you keep reading?

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Free novel. Click the image to download a PDF.

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You want to see some dynamite openings?

The agent blog Bookends has been running a "first hundred words" contest for various genres, and there's some terrific writing there. It started in February, so go through the archives for February and March. Very strong stuff, and excellent examples of how to engage a reader with compelling writing.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mary's first 16 lines of an historical novel:

Sometimes I see things, in water or in fire, and they turn out to be true.

Yesterday on the damp wall of the farthest dark hole in the caves where we live, I saw my father and his men hiding in the forest, cleverly eluding wicked old King Saul. The forest is near our caves, so I know he will be home today, David the bandit, David the future king.

Yahweh has anointed me to be King, my father insists. We believe in this Yahweh more than any of the other gods the people sacrifice to - like Baal or Dagon. He is a strange god, I think, more demanding than the others, but definitely more powerful. My father talks to Him from time to time, and I see his face when he comes back from the high, bare places - exultant, weary, ethereal - as if a fire raced through his veins and burned him from the inside, burned him clean and hollow, to receive a spirit other than his own.

I want to feel this same spirit. Though I am only eleven years old, and a girl, I think I have the Sight, as my mother did, but I believe I will wield a power beyond what she could imagine.

"Hokhma Janaia! If you are not standing in front of me before I finish speaking, you will regret it until the new moon!" My mother's voice echoes through the caverns.

I know I'd better go.  When she uses both my names, she means business.

I turned the page

Life in the times of the Old Testament were a pull, and the narrator's voice is appealing. There's no particular hint of jeopardy, but the nature of the narrative, and the idea of a bandit father coming home, promised enough to draw me on, which is what any good opening should do. However, I do think it needs work. Some notes:

Sometimes I see things, in water or in fire, and they turn out to be true.  (Clarity issue here -- is it that she sometimes sees things, or that sometimes they turn out to be true, and sometimes not. I suggest deleting the "sometimes.")

Yesterday, on the damp wall of the farthest dark hole in the caves where we live, I saw my father and his men hiding in the forest, cleverly eluding wicked old King Saul. The forest is near our caves, so I know he will be home today, David the bandit, David the future king. (I liked this. Quick, economical, but good setup without slowing the narrative. At it raises a story question -- will her vision be right?)

Yahweh has anointed me to be King, my father insists. We believe in this Yahweh more than any of the other gods the people sacrifice to - like Baal or Dagon. He is a strange god, I think, more demanding than the others, but definitely more powerful. My father talks to Him from time to time, and I see his face when he comes back from the high, bare places - exultant, weary, ethereal - as if a fire raced through his veins and burned him from the inside, burned him clean and hollow, to receive a spirit other than his own. (Why isn't his statement in quotes instead of italicized? In a moment we will learn that this is a girl of eleven, and I don't think that "exultant" and "ethereal" are words that a child raised in a cave would be using. I think all of the narrative, especially in first person narrative, should be used to characterize by reflecting the voice of the character.)

I want to feel this same spirit. Though I am only eleven years old, and a girl, I think I have the Sight, as my mother did, but I believe I will wield a power beyond what she could imagine. (Skillful way to work in a description of the girl, what I call "experiential" description because it reflects the point of view of the character, not the author delivering information.)

My mother's voice echoes through the caverns. "Hokhma Janaia!  If you are not standing in front of me before I finish speaking, you will regret it until the new moon!"  My mother's voice echoes through the caverns. (I moved the dialogue tag/action beat up front so that the reader is clear on who is speaking. Make things easy for your reader.)

I know I'd better go. When she uses both my names, she means business. (I thought that the second sentence did the work of the first, so deleted it. The space could have been better used for the next sentence, which was I scramble down from my hiding place, a little shelf of rock I found when I was five… which helps to set the scene. In fact, I sorta wish this bit came earlier, so that we can see the character more clearly.)

Nice work, Mary. Thanks for sending it.

Comments on the opening, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Liz]

I loved this. I would certainly turn the page. The only nit-pick I have is the phrase "I think I have the Sight, as my mother did." I immediately thought that her mother must dead because of the use of the past tense, but then in the next paragrah it turns out that she's very much alive. Then again, perhaps her mother has lost the Sight and that will be made clear later in the story. Excellent nontheless. I'd like to read more.

[L.L. Abbott]

Beautiful tone and voice throughout.

The use of italics though, bugged me as well. It made me stop and question the use. And, where I agree with "exhaltation" and "ethereal" not being the best choice or words, the rest of that line >>- as if a fire raced through his veins and burned him from the inside, burned him clean and hollow, to receive a spirit other than his own.<< somewhat negates the concern. It goes beyond the average 11 yr.old's understanding as well. It's a very powerful statement.

So, instead of 'ethereal' I would suggest show how that he looked as though he'd seen another world quite unlike our own; something to that effect. And, instead of 'exhaltation' show how, though his eyes were filled of joy, his weary body stood as if... .

Will definitely look forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing!

[Scott from Oregon]

I have to agree with the "voice" issue. Chooisng first person opens up some great possibilities for storytelling outside of the normal, often prosaic third person narration.

But you have to be disciplined as to word choice, sentence structure, etc...

You have to find the voice immediately, and then keep it until the book is finished.

In other words, once commited, ya gotta stay in character.

[Kamila Miller]

This pulled me in right away. The characterization is really strong. i think first person is helping the story, especially since it's far enough in the past that many readers might otherwise feel distanced from the action.

Beware of using too many adjectives in a row.

Nicely done!

[Mai]

I liked this very much, and would have turned the page. The character and her world drew me in; I was intrigued enough to want to know more.

Because the setting is an archaic era, I had no problems with the somewhat formal nature of of the language. Big words seemed appropriate to someone who's a future king's daughter (her education would not have been the average eleven-year-old girl's education, presumably).

The use of italics didn't bother me. They seemed to tell me that such things were only said within the family, not to others, and thus they would be whispered, almost, or maybe even only sensed by those close to David.

You could think about dropping the adverbs ("cleverly", "definitely"), and varying, or opening up, the dense rhythms of some phrasings ("damp wall of the farthest dark hole in the caves where we live", "cleverly eluding wicked old").

[Sheila]

I would have read more, to see where this is going. I was bothered by a few inconsistencies, though. Like Ray pointed out, she 11 and lives in a cave, but uses words like "exultant" and "ethereal"? I agree, too, with LL that this seems to be beyond an 11 year-old's understanding and that this can be shown better.

She "thinks" she has the Sight, but believes she will have more power than her mother can imagine? How can you believe you will be so powerful and only "think" you have the Sight?

Finally, the mother using both names to indicate that she means business - this seems a bit cliche to me. Or, perhaps you are showing that the more things change, the more they stay the same?

These are tiny things, though. Hooking a reader in just 16 lines is hard, but you've done it here. Good work.

[Mary Burns]

Hello all you commentors! Thanks SO MUCH for your wonderful comments and advice. I was just asked yesterday to submit the whole mss to a really great, top agent -- and I was able to make a few tweaks to that first page per your suggestions! Thanks again, and especially to Ray for providing this great mitzvah of feedback to all of us. Watch for my book one of these days (J-The Woman Who Wrote the Bible)! Love to all! M.F.Burns

[Ray Rhamey]

Good luck, Mary! We're with you.

Ray

[mai]

Good luck, Mary!!