Flogometer for Dennis: would you keep reading?

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The relevance of We the Enemy

The Supreme Court has taken up the issue of the right to bear arms, a central theme in the novel I'm offering for free (click the image for a free PDF), We the Enemy. The timing is right to read about ways to deal with the problem that go well beyond traditional thought. This book could change the way you think about a number of things.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Dennis's first 16 lines of a fantasy novel:

PREFACE

"He has awakened."

"Who?"

"The Lord of Darkness."

"I had hoped he was destroyed this time."

"He is eternal.  He cannot be destroyed. Only defeated - temporarily banished."

"It has only been three thousand years. He should not be awake yet. The teachings say ten thousand years must pass before he can return."

"Not if he is summoned."

"None have that power."

"None that we are aware of."

"We are not ready for him.  Not yet."

"No one is.  There are no heroes left in the world today."

"We haven't needed any."

"We do now.  Go.  They must be made aware."

"I do not question your judgment, but are you certain these are the ones you wish?  They seem a little… different from the norm."

Got me

This sparse opening that avoids most of the guides for crafting a riveting opening scene nonetheless raised lots of interesting story questions, and promised a big fantasy adventure. It's so spare that even critiquing it is difficult -- well, that and the fact that the writing is nice and clean. And the voice is inviting, too.

However, a bold opening such as this really has to deliver with what follows, or risk disengagement. So let's take a look at the first 16 lines from the first chapter.

He was in a valley, he knew that much. Where this place was, or what awaited him, was as big a mystery to him as the stars in the sky. He could see a cavern in the valley wall a good distance from where he was standing - north of him, he thought. Directly above the cavern opening, looming large in the distance was the face of a mountain. He must be even farther from his home than he thought.

Fall had come early this year near his home, with the first frost having come and gone nearly a month ago. It had returned of course, with a vengeance and as always, reinforcements. This valley on the other hand, seemed to be unaffected by the chill in the mountains around it. Here, the air was still moist and warm. The frost that held the lands around his home firmly in its grasp had found no purchase in the ground here.

This place was odd to him, and it made him very uneasy. Instead of the rolling hills and lush green forests that he was familiar with, it was a jagged mismatch of broken, slippery rock and sloppy red clay that clutched at his feet and threatened to make him fall.

And fall he had - they all had. Negotiating terrain of this kind was hard enough when you were by yourself and moving at your own place. Unfortunately, he was neither. He remembered when he was a kid with his brother, camping and spending days out in the wild they

I was disappointed not to be swept away. Instead, I'm slowed by a lot of description and a lapse into backstory. And, I must add, hints of overwriting that contrast with the skeletal nature of the opening. Some notes:

He was in a valley, he knew that much. Where this place was, or what awaited him, was as big a mystery to him as the stars in the sky. He could see a cavern in the valley wall a good distance from where he was standing - north of him, he thought. Directly above the cavern opening , looming large in the distance was loomed the face of a mountain.  He must be even farther from his home than he thought.  (Several things bothered me here. How can he know that the opening he sees a "good distance (vague)" away is for a cavern? It would just be a dark hole that could be a shallow cave. I thought the second sentence was good, though. The rest could have been much crisper. For example, a mountain is, by definition, large. There's the repetitive reference to "distance." And nothing is happening.)

Fall had come early this year near his home, with the first frost having come and gone nearly a month ago. It had returned of course, with a vengeance and as always, reinforcements. This valley on the other hand, seemed to be unaffected by the chill in the mountains around it. Here, the air was still moist and warm. The frost that held the lands around his home firmly in its grasp had found no purchase in the ground here. (Yes, I cut all of this. There's backstory, and I have to wonder how important the contrast between here and his home is to the story. Every bit of narrative needs to contribute to a couple of things: moving the story forward, or characterization. This, for me, does neither.)

This place was odd to him, and it made him very uneasy. Instead of the rolling hills and lush green forests that he was familiar with, it was a jagged mismatch of broken, slippery rock and sloppy red clay that clutched at his feet and threatened to make him fall. (Same goes here…except for the sloppy red clay, I don't see how this is relevant. I'd cut most of it.)

And fall he had - they all had. Negotiating terrain of this kind was hard enough when you were by yourself and moving at your own place. Unfortunately, he was neither. He remembered when he was a kid with his brother, camping and spending days out in the wild they… (The author withholds too much here, and slips into backstory, which is a real speed bump. If you were to slog on, you'd learn that the character is one of a line of prisoners shackled together, which is very interesting, and why the sloppy red clay is important -- it hurts when one falls. But here the reference to "they" has no meaning. If, instead of "they," we had read of the chain of prisoners, we'd understand, and be intrigued. Cut most of this, be clear, be crisp. IMO.)

Dennis's writing is good, from a technical point of view, but the amount of "info dumping" and reluctance to get on with it in this first chapter will, I think, kill interest in the rest of the story. Dennis, read the Story as River article and think about how this chapter reads in comparison.

But keep at it -- there's promise here, for sure.

Comments on the opening, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Theadra Leilani]

I'm really sorry Dennis, but I wouldn't have read passed the preface. Two disembodied voices with no action or no sensory input would have lost me. I don't think much needs to be added, just a little, but it would've pulled me along.

I have to agree with Ray concerning chapter one. For as lean as the preface was, chapter one hit me over the head with details I'm not sure I needed. Most, if not all, seemed to be scene setting.

I like the story idea, and find it very compelling. With re-writes, I would be interested in reading it.

[Scott from Oregon]

The preface was alright for me. Just a wee bit deja vu (just how many "Lord Of Darkness" chaps are out there in the world?)

(Why can't there ever be a Lord Of Pantomime? Or a Lord Of Ostriches? Evil Ostriches...)

The prose beginning had me scratching out stuff, too.

Weather, feelings, memories... all these things are great to hang on your story to make it more interesting. The trouble is, you are doing it backwards. You are trying to make these things BE the story.

That makes it hard to find the story in all the pages of words.

Try what I suggested earlier. Write out your first ten pages as sparse as you possibly can.

"He was in a valley far from home and saw a cavern. He went there. He found a silver ostriche..."

[Kamila Miller]

Much as I enjoy spare writing, I have to agree that the preface didn't grab me as much as it might have if I had a few more clues (or one good clue) as to why I should find this particular Lord of Darkness as scary or more scary than the literally thousands of other Lord of Darknesses out there in the literary and cultural world.

For the opening chapter itself, I hope I can rightfully assume that we're with the unlikely heroes. Unfortunately I have no idea what era this is, what tech level--camping implied modern?--how many, the personalities, ages, anything except scenery. The prose is there. The choice of what to describe in an opening is the next step, and I think different choices need to be made.

Kami

[C]

Hmm, I had a problem with those first 16 lines. First speaker one seems to be surprised the evil one is not destroyed then speaker one seems to know all the rules after that. Did I mess up reading? Whose line is it anyway?

I highlighted every other line just to make sure. Yep, Speaker one ends up telling speaker 2 about the three thousand years, yet he had no idea the Lord of Darkness was eternal. It doesn't make sense.

[L.L. Abbott]

I'm afraid I wouldn't have read much further myself. While the conversation between the two disembodied voices is intriguing, I too, felt a little cheated by the lack of where these two voices were. If they were male or female, sitting in a bar, or holed up in a time machine.

And the second paragraph threw me. It seemed disjointed. I may not have been as bothered had you started with, "This valley seemed to be unaffected by the chill in the mountains around it. Here, the air was still moist and warm. [followed by] Fall had come early this year near his home, with the first frost having come and gone nearly a month ago. It had returned of course, with a vengeance and as always, reinforcements. And what held the lands around his home firmly in its grasp had found no (purchase) in the ground here.

And, the use of the word "purchase" -- you'd risk a lot less readers saying, "What?" if you chose a word like "hold," instead. Just my HO there.

[Rich]

Be very careful when using cliches like "Lord of Darkness". In the modern years, unless you are writing a parody, they are likely going to cause an eye roll in an average reader.
Let him be Lord of Darkness in nature, just call him something else. Give him a mysterios name that is can cause more questions.
Erasing lines 2 and 3 in the preface would work too.

[mai]

I liked the stark drama and staccato texture of the opening. I would have read further, looking for more -- more story, good writing, etc.

[tomdg]

Doesn't quite get me. I like the fact that it's just dialogue with absolutely no tags whatsoever. I like the last line, which suggests to me that the world is about to be saved by a gang of teenage stoners or something (that idea has promise). Two things put me off:

(1) some of the dialogue sounds a bit stunted for real speech. "I had hoped he was destroyed this time". "None have that power". I don't know anyone who talks like that.

(2) It's just too overblown. After "The Lord of Darkness", I was waiting for a tongue-in-cheek response. "What, Alastair Campbell? Again?!?" I think too many people have tried to write the great epic of good against evil, and too many people have sent it up; anything like this either comes across (to me) as parody or pastiche. Now if the Lord of Darkness was woken up early by a car alarm outside his house - for that, I'd want to read on :)

[Kitty]

I don't care for sf-f, but I did like the first 16 lines of this. I like its crisp style. I wouldn't expect the same economical style throughout; even so, your first chapter was an abrupt change. I prefer less description and more action. You can definitely write.