Flogometer for Ajaya: would you keep reading?

---

Today's flogee is a writer in Nepal, although he stayed in the US for several years for his PhD. The worldwide reach of the Internet sometimes amazes me.

It looks like I'm going to have to crank up the frequency of floggings to 3 per week -- there are 20 writers lined up in the queue, and at the old rate it would take 10 weeks to get to the most recent submission. I'll try to post on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but may miss now and then.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Ajaya's first 16 lines:

He noticed how the morning rush began. An elevator in the passage opened, letting out a stream of flight attendants. As suddenly, they vanished round the corner, chatting. A janitor began to take the rounds, pushing yellow bucket-on-wheels. The mop swung like an antenna, splashing washing solution on the floor. For several minutes, the drops lay there, freezing, until a machine wiped them. Occasionally a golf cart would wheeze by, toot tooting in regular intervals. The flashlights flitted to coincide with the horn, lagging by a fraction of a second, like the delayed heartbeats of an arrhythmia patient.

Khemman, who was waiting for the airline staff to open the ticket counter, knew how the ailment felt. Deep in his heart, he had added uneasiness -- partly due to the recent loss of Kanchi Nani, and partly due to the signals his wife had given when he was about to leave for Kathmandu.

Khemman felt in his pocket for the three-headed monster, a bronze statue he had uncovered among cloth-wrapped Sanskrit manuscripts in his grandfather's chest. He always carried the monster in his pocket, but it wasn't there now -- he had been forced to put it in his luggage because of security restrictions. Khemman began to fidget, and peel off the dried flakes of a festering wound on his left arm.

It had not been two weeks yet, but his memory of the events leading to his mother's death…

Almost

While there is some very interesting writing and description here, for me there wasn't a compelling level of tension. My belief is that you need to devote as much as possible in your opening to introducing the story. In this narrative, the first 98 words were devoted to description of a place and the activity in it, a place that eventually has little do to with the story. In my view, those 98 words were not well spent. You only have seconds to hook a reader, so pile on the bait. This description of a place isn't good bait.

I read through the rest of the chapter that Ajaya sent, and it was about what it's like to be Nepalese in today's world, and the mourning of his mother's recent death. Yet the title of his story is The Curse of Archalswara. The "monster" in the protagonist's pocket is the only hint that I saw in 15 or so pages of a curse. In other words, Ajaya, it appears to be a lengthy case of throat-clearing. I have to say "appears" because I really don't know enough to judge. Some notes on the narrative:

He noticed how the morning rush began. An elevator in the passage opened, letting out a stream of flight attendants. As suddenly, they vanished round the corner, chatting. A janitor began to take the rounds, pushing yellow bucket-on-wheels. The mop swung like an antenna, splashing washing solution on the floor. For several minutes, the drops lay there, freezing, until a machine wiped them. Occasionally a golf cart would wheeze by, toot tooting in regular intervals. The flashlights (headlights?) flitted (flickered?) to coincide with the horn, lagging by a fraction of a second, like the delayed heartbeats of an arrhythmia patient. (I found elements of this confusing. For instance, it seems that they are indoors, yet the solution froze. As mentioned, this description doesn't seem to contain any real story element, it's just a view of a place.)

Khemman, who was waiting for the airline staff to open the ticket counter, knew how the ailment felt. Deep in his heart, he had added uneasiness -- partly due to the recent loss of Kanchi Nani, and partly due to the signals his wife had given when he was about to leave for Kathmandu. (The signals from his wife raises an interesting story question. The reference to Kanchi Nani doesn't add anything, but would if the narrative included the fact that she is his mother. As it is, it's just a name. This points out the need to give the reader the clues she needs to make the narrative meaningful.)

Khemman felt in his pocket for the three-headed monster, a bronze statue (I think "figurine" would be a better noun here) he had uncovered among cloth-wrapped Sanskrit manuscripts in his grandfather's chest. He always carried the monster in his pocket, but it wasn't there now -- he had been forced to put it in his luggage because of security restrictions. (Then why did he feel for it if he knew it wasn't there? I think the writer means something like "reflexively" or that habit sent his fingers searching for the figurine. This needs clarification.) Khemman began to fidgeted and peeled off the dried flakes of a festering wound on his left arm.

There are other nits I could pick, but these are the things that I think interfered with pace and clarity. More than anything, I think Ajaya needs to get something related to the story up front. As it is, his opening chapter is, as nearly as I can tell, all exposition and backstory while he flies back to the U.S. from Nepal.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

---

Thank you, Heather and Katy, for your generosity. It’s much appreciated.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jill]

I thought this was really nice - not exactly action-packed, but his skill with language and description might make many "relational" readers want more. It certainly did for me. One of the best submissions I've seen yet.

P.S. I LOVE this site, and I think it's only a matter of time before you really see your numbers go up. Extremely useful and entertaining at the same time.

[mai]

If I were well-rested, I'd have turned the page because I liked the writing that much. But if I were tired, I wouldn't have turned, because I was irritated by the missing article "a" before "yellow bucket-on-wheels" and other similar small lapses from standard English.

I've done bit of first reading for Indian writers, and that article dropping, and a few other things, are consistent in a lot of writing coming from Asia. Even India's biggest newspapers publish pieces with dropped articles, etc.

In the case of this opening, it's clear that Ajaya is a serious and very good writer indeed, and these lapses are colloquialisms.

But the opening being submitted at FtQ means the author is thinking of the international market, not a local one.

* * *

I'll repeat my comment and drop many of its articles, to show how, for readers expecting the articles, missing articles would create stumbling points in the flow of the text...

If I were well-rested, I'd have turned page because I liked writing that much. But if I were tired, I wouldn't have turned, because I was irritated by missing article "a" before "yellow bucket-on-wheels" and other similar small lapses from standard English.

I've done bit of first reading for Indian writers, and that article dropping, and few other things, are consistent in a lot of writing coming from Asia. Even India's biggest newspapers publish pieces with dropped articles, etc.

In case of this opening, it's clear that Ajaya is serious and very good writer indeed, and these lapses are colloquialisms.

But opening being submitted at FtQ means author is thinking of international market, not local one.

[Marianne]

I liked this piece - it's nicely descriptive, sets the scene well, and I probably would have turned the page to find out a) why he carried the statue b) what's going on between Khemman and his wife and c)how his mother died. Although I would have been looking for more action, or some dialogue, after the scene setting.

Re the water freezing - I wondered if Ajaya meant as in frozen - ie unmoving. A language blip like the dropped articles.

I think the feeling for the statue does need explaining as a reflexive action, and yes statue sounds a bit large for a pocket.

I was wondering though - does it matter that we don't know who Kanchi Nani is at this point? Is that not something to turn the page for?

And Ray - I also wondered why you changed the 'began to' into simple past tense verbs. For me the 'began to' worked - it signified a slight shift in the action, ie he had not been continuously fidgeting but suddenly began to feel bored or impatient or whatever. I saw him change from observing to experiencing his own frustration.

Anyway - good writing.

[Ray]

Marianne, my personal take on "began to" and "started to" is that most of the time they are a waste of time. Here's a link to a post I did on the subject:

http://www.floggingthequill.com/flogging_the_quill/2006/04/dont_get_me_sta.html

[Marianne]

Okay - I get that. I see lots of 'began to' and 'started to' in your examples that could and should have gone.

But I'm still left with a feeling about this one. I'm thinking that 'he began to fidget' implies he got into a continuous state of fidgeting, meaning he couldn't sit still. 'He fidgeted' implies he just did it once and then stopped.

What did Ajaya intend to say?

(I know I'm nit-picking here, but I'm finding this interesting!)

[Ray]

Marianne, as I've said, there are no rules in writing. If it feels like there should be a "began to" or "started to" in the narrative, then do it. I use it once in a while when it is the right (by my standards) thing to do in order to deliver the character's experience.

Most of the time, though, I think it's clutter. But that's just me.

[Danie]

Are we over-thinking the "action" opening, perhaps? Action is something happening vs. backstory narrative. It doesn't have to be a car chase. I thought that Ajaya did a good job of setting the scene. He's in an airport, there's a lot going on around him, and he describes it very well.

He also raises story questions which would make me turn the page. I'd have to read more to pass judgment on whether this is the best place to start his story, and as a reader, I give a book more than a sixteen-line chance.

I recently gave the worst book I ever read a 50 page chance, put it away with no small amount of frustration, picked it up days later and forced myself to finish it hoping that it would redeem itself (which it never did).

It's frustrating that some publishers buy on the strength of a famous name vs. merit. Do they even look at what they're buying from their established authors anymore, let alone put the mss in the hands of an editor?

It must be frustrating for aspiring new novelists. I'm now reading Ray's as yet unpublished book, "We the Enemy." (If you haven't asked for it yet, I highly recommend it.) I can't understand why this book still hasn't been picked up by a publishing house when too many shelves are filled with mediocre work from established writers.

But I'll get off my soapbox. This isn't the place for it, but a good blog topic, I think.

[Ray Rhamey]

Thanks for the compliment, Danie. I'm not necessarily looking for action in an opening, but I do demand tension. For me, the opening paragraph did nothing to generate any. And keep in mind that when you read these you're playing the part of a beleaguered agent with a headache, opening the fifteenth sample of the day. You have no patience, and you demand excellence or it's just not worth your time. Be tough! (They will.)

Ray

[Bartleby]

I found this excerpt very promising. The first paragraph could benefit from further cutting and tightening. I think Ajaya possesses a rare commodity, talent!, but struggles at times with the English language. Case in point: "Deep in his heart, he had added uneasiness".

The first paragraph set the mood. It explains why the character is in an introspective mood. Ajaya did so beautifully by the very nice arrhythmia metaphor that relates the not-business-as-usual proceedings at the airport with his own growing uneasiness. I thought "the recent loss of Kanchi Nani" was effective in arousing my curiosity. If Ajaya had spoken of the recent death of his mother it would have been far less suspenseful to me.

I share somewhat Danie's frustration in that "kick-ass" titles and other deft devices to hook the reader make me leery. I recently started a book with a grandiose opening sentence. After ten pages i gave up on the book from utter boredom. In many books, a critical reader is expected to make a great leap of faith because of credibility issues. I prefer books with a slow and subtle beginning that builds into a credible conflict without resorting to deus-ex-machina devices to resolve a stupendous, sensational, page-turning plot that is too extreme to be true.

[Ray Rhamey]

Bartleby and other readers, I sure hope you don't think I'm advocating "deus-ex-machina devices to resolve a stupendous, sensational, page-turning plot that is too extreme to be true."

That's not good storytelling. But we are talking about the ability of an opening to raise COMPELLING story questions. For examples of openings that I think do the job without resorting to the kind of hoopla Bartleby talks about, check out this link:

http://www.floggingthequill.com/flogging_the_quill/2005/01/it_takes_story_.html

Ray