Flogometer for Valerie: would you keep reading?

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Update: I've a guest post up on Writer Unboxed about what's happened so far with my appeal to agents about my novel, We the Enemy. In addition, in the comments there a person named Dave accuses me of sensationalism. I reply to him. You might want to add your thoughts as well.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Valerie's first 16 lines-- she tells me that it's a true, inspirational romance:

"Oh, shit!" Startled by the sound of his voice, I awoke and mentally shook my head to clear the sleep from my brain. I suddenly understood the meaning of Bill's words.

"Are you late?"

"No…well, maybe just a little. I didn't hear the alarm and have to hurry. It's seven o'clock." He stretched and stood up.

Through sleepy eyes I could see his naked body. I loved looking at Bill. Even after so many years, a thrill quivered inside me. I didn't want to move as I watched him pull up his jeans. His bare bottom quickly disappeared into the blue denim, and I heard him close the zipper.

Savoring my mind's thoughts while slipping out from under the covers, my feet found the floor. I reached for my comfy old house dress. Mm, the smell of clean cotton dried in fresh air was so pleasant. I sensed Bill's gaze as the dress slid down over my naked skin. I had this dress for so many years. With its scoop neck, cap sleeves, and buttons down the front it has only gotten better with age. Years ago, I had asked Mom to sew the buttons closed permanently. I just needed to pull the dress over my head. Bill came closer and playfully gave me a hug, leaning down he kissed my neck. "Mm… Don't get me started….You did want breakfast, didn't you?" As I ventured down the hallway, I quickly combed my fingers through my hair. Piling it at the…

I didn't move on
There's good, clear writing here, and even a little bit of what I call "experiential description" -- the part where we learn about her dress through her memory/view. It's a scene, and that's good.

However, for me, this just didn't meet the criteria of compelling. There's a suggestion of sexiness ahead, but only that. Nothing has happened to lead me to believe that this character or any other will have a problem in the near future. No, it's just people getting out of bed. And it's a prologue. That leads to a flashback. The prologue is primarily this character getting out of bed and making breakfast and seeing her husband off to class. I believe prologues need to be as compelling in terms of tension as any other part of the book, and this one didn't meet that criterion. Some brief notes:

"Oh, shit!" Startled by the sound of his voice, I awoke and mentally shook my head to clear the sleep from my brain. I suddenly understood the meaning of Bill's words. (I know what you mean by "mentally shook my head," but felt it was unneeded complexity for a simple action, and it drew me out of the story.)

"Are you late?"

"No…well, maybe just a little. I didn't hear the alarm and have to hurry. It's seven o'clock." He stretched and stood up.

Through sleepy eyes I could see his naked body. I loved looking at Bill. Even after so many years, a thrill quivered inside me. I didn't want to move as I watched him pull up his jeans. His bare bottom quickly disappeared into the blue denim, and I heard him close the zipper.

Savoring my mind's thoughts while slipping out from under the covers, my feet found the floor. I reached for my comfy old house dress. Mm, the smell of clean cotton dried in fresh air was so pleasant. I sensed Bill's gaze as the dress slid down over my naked skin. I'd had this dress for so many years. With its scoop neck, cap sleeves, and buttons down the front, it has had only gotten better with age. Years ago, I had asked Mom to sew the buttons closed permanently. I just needed to pull the dress over my head. Bill came closer back and playfully gave me a hug, leaning down he kissed to kiss my neck. "Mm… Don't get me started….You did want breakfast, didn't you?" As I ventured down the hallway, I quickly combed my fingers through my hair. Piling it at the…(I'm sure that the memory of this morning scene is as pleasant and lazy as this description, but for me -- a male reader -- the history of the dress had no chance of inciting my interest. Will it with female readers?)

Valerie, while it's true that an aspect of story is to show a character being jolted out of life as usual and their struggles to restore it, I feel that you need something more dramatic happening here, at least the forecast of some kind of jeopardy.

Thanks for sharing your work, and keep thinking about how to make the narrative truly compelling.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

HREF="http://www.floggingthequill.com/flogging_the_quill/archives.html"ARCHI
VES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Topher61]

I found the writing sensual. It's amazing what the sound of the zipper being closed can raise in your mind.

The history of the dress is boring. If you cut that, I would have kept reading.

[kathy]

At first I was a little confused about who was talking. I would also take out mind's thoughts. I thought the imagry was very good, then the mention of mother, UGH!

[mai]

Kathy's "then the mention of mother, UGH!" is the key to something, I think.

This opening is damping down its sizzle possibilities.

The dress story is the biggest example of what's going on. The dress details are distracting, and seem to be a lot of word noise meant to deflect someone (readers? writer? both?) from the sensual potential of the scene. The dress's history and the mom take the reader right out of the bedroom. Tension and suspense dissipate as the story of the dress is being told.

Another example is "I didn't want to move as I watched him pull up his jeans." Would the woman watching the guy really react by not wanting to move? I'd think she'd want to make a move. Maybe she'd be holding her breath, or holding still, but "I didn't want to move" sounds reluctant, tired, bored or even fearful. You want her to be holding back from making a move, not not wanting to make a move, if you see what I mean.

As a woman, I know it's hard to be direct sometimes. Many women writers pull their punches or get coy with things like violent action and sex. I think this is an expression of personal discomfort with, or lack of experience exploring, such things, because most readers have no problems reading such scenes.

[C]

I'm sorry; I would not have read on. :(
Jeans with no undies - ouch and uck for me.
Aside from Ray's crit, which is dead on, the man's line of dialogue didn't sound natural to me.
Also, she's getting hot watching him dress, then savoring the dirty thought, then turning him down for a quickie? Not in my world. LOL
Description of the dress bothered me, too. It seemed out of place.

The writing itself was fine. I hope this wasn't too harsh. Good luck.

[Norm Benson]

I too thought the writing to be sound. I would cut the remaining words in the paragraph following "Oh shit."

The description of the dress worked for me, but the history may be too soon for such backstory.

Ray is right on about tension lacking. If he is late what happens?

Maybe if he's late one more time he's fired. Now, if they take time for a quickie there are consequences.

[Sheila]

Okay, this is not my genre, but I'll put in my $.02:

What I now know about Bill - he's hot, he goes commando, he doesn't hear the alarm and he can't make his own breakfast. Is he deaf? Did he put the alarm clock in another room? Who doesn't hear their alarm? And didn't she hear it? What's wrong with these people? (I know, picky, but these sort of things bother the logical part of my brain). So far, Bill isn't looking like any sort of prize.

I liked the scene of her watching him dress and enjoying the show. I don't think she needs to act on it.

I liked the writing here, but agree with Ray that it needs more tension.

Also, Ray, could you elaborate on "experiential description?" I've not heard that before.

Thanks for sharing!

[Samantha]

Sorry, I wouldn't have read on either...Also, this sentence bothered me:

Savoring my mind's thoughts while slipping out from under the covers, my feet found the floor.

Am I missing something or is this a dangling participle? Her feet are not savoring thoughts.

[C]

I wasn't voting for a quickie. (Ask my husband.)
I was pointing out her thoughts didn't jive with her actions. Totally agree with the inconsistencies Sheila mentioned, too.

[Ray Rhamey]

Sheila, "experiential description" is a term I've coined for using description to describe a character because it's filtered through the experience of the character.

It's a chapter in the book I'm working on, sort of the best of FtQ, and it's based on an earlier post that you can find here:

http://www.floggingthequill.com/flogging_the_quill/2006/06/writing_for_eff.html

Check it out.

Ray

[Sheila]

Thanks, Ray! That was really helpful.

[Valerie]

Hi Ray, (and all of you who commented)

I’ve been flogged and although I would have preferred to curtsey and walk away smiling…you all have me seeing ‘some ‘of my writing through a different sort of looking glass. I appreciate all of the comments, and I will consider eliminating the over-done details of the dress part. I am also going to clarify that the alarm clock didn’t go off. That’s why it was not heard.

But, I have a question; maybe you can give me an answer.

As you already know, I am writing a true, inspirational love story. I would love to have someone suggest how I can introduce the feelings between these two people…

I was attempting to introduce a little background of him and her in the prologue then get down to the conflict in the first chapter. My question is how something can feel bad … if we have nothing to compare it to. We are talking 16 lines here…

Example: If I read in the news about a car accident –five killed- four more injured- the bridge collapsed- the sky fell in…you get my point? I’d be sad…maybe read on… or

A family of five, Audrey, Robert, their twin boys Kevin and Andrew and their one month baby girl, Sarah Jane…were all killed. On their way home from Grandpas funeral; Grandpa was a WWII veteran and … (again this is news.)

So, how do I do this in a story where I have the advantage of pages and pace to be more leisurely described? I wanted to have a lead into the characters so that the impact of the story would stir up feelings in the readers mind and heart. That the reader would feel like they new the people well enough to feel the pain and anguish they went through. Do you see what I am trying to do? Just wondering…

Again...thanks for your help, Valerie

[Marianne]

I agree with you Valerie, that being compelling isn't just about revealing a major scene, or conflict even, in the first page. Characters can be compelling, something that is said or shown about them may tease the reader enough to make them want to turn the page. And when the characters have been drawn well, and the reader feels like they know them and have empathy with them - then a conflict/piece of bad news/accident etc will have more impact.

I feel that 'compelling' doesn't have to be simply 'what happened next?' - although I do take on board Ray's argument about hooking an over-worked agent.

Keep writing - I like the atmosphere you were creating - but making the writing tighter is what I'd suggest e.g the line that introduces the dress might sound better as... 'I reached for my comfy old house dress and breathed in the clean scent of cotton dried in fresh air.'

[mai]

I agree with Marianne.

[Sheila]

I think you introduced their feelings very well. I could feel the love - as she watches him dress, as he kisses her neck.

It is difficult to start with a tense situation and have the readers care about it when they don't know the characters yet. If it were easy we all wouldn't be here. But it can be done.

I think you're off to a good start. I know you probably have these characters fleshed out in your head down to the tiniest detail, but keep in mind that we are meeting them for the first time. So the things you share about them at the beginning are really important. That was what I was trying to convey in my earlier critique. I'm sorry if it was harsh.

Good luck!