Flogometer for Jan: would you keep reading?

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You guys rock.

You help every reader of FtQ with your comments and insights. And all thoughtfully delivered. We all work hard at writing, and the respect you show and the help you give reflects a very professional attitude. A good bunch, I say.

An international one, too -- today's volunteer is an Aussie.

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I'm cranking up the frequency of floggings to 3 per week

-- there are 20 writers lined up in the queue, and at the old rate it would take 10 weeks to get to the most recent submission. I'll try to post on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but may miss now and then. The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative. Jan's first 16 lines: Never again. Never ever again. Pauline tugged her knees to her chest and buried her face in the pillow. The stench of the alley still stung her nose, even though she had fled Melbourne hours ago. But here she was safe, at least until they found her. Brrrrrzzzzz. Brzz. Brzz. Brrrrzzzzzzzz. Sadhu rolled over and looked at the bedside clock. Two-fifteen. Who in the world would be ringing the doorbell at this ungodly hour? Pulling on a fleecy robe and sliding her feet into slippers, she padded downstairs. 'Coming.' She tried to keep her voice low to avoid waking Michelle, still hopefully asleep despite the disturbance. Freud sat on the doormat, hissing at the catflap, not daring to go out. Brrzzzz. Sadhu flipped on the porch light and peered through the narrow gap in the lace curtains beside the front door. Pauline's father, Peter Granger, stood in the yellow glow. Sadhu twisted the deadbolt and threw open the door, clutching her robe tightly to her chest. 'Mr Granger? What's wrong?' Panic filled his normally hooded eyes, wide in the porch light, but his body was stiff and tall, his barrister demeanor maintaining its dominance. 'Pauline's gone. I thought she might have… Despite some initial irritation, I decided to read on Irritation? It was about the opening paragraph that introduced a character who was apparently in peril and then abandoned me! Jan undoubtedly did this to create more tension, but the reader in me found this brief tease to be irritating. For what it's worth. And I'm not sure it was needed. A father coming to the protagonist's door in the middle of the night with a daughter missing raised strong-enough story questions for me. I'd look at starting there. By the way, Jan used an extra line space to separate the two points of view. I think it would be much more clear if the extra space (which is good) contained three centered asterisks, a common-enough convention for indicating such a switch (see below). The reader needs good, clear clues when shifting from one point of view to another. Other than that, nice, clear writing, for the most part. Some notes: Never again. Never ever again. Pauline tugged her knees to her chest and buried her face in the pillow. The stench of the alley still stung her nose, even though she had fled Melbourne hours ago. But here she was safe, at least until they found her. (As mentioned, I'd cut this. Or, alternatively, stay with the character and develop her story first. That might be more interesting -- if she's going to be a point-of-view character during the story. If she isn't, then she shouldn't be here because the reader will expect more of her pov.) * * * Brrrrrzzzzz. Brzz. Brzz. Brrrrzzzzzzzz. Sadhu rolled over and looked at the bedside clock. Two-fifteen. Who in the world would be ringing the doorbell at this ungodly hour? Pulling on a fleecy robe and sliding her feet into slippers, she padded downstairs. 'Coming.' (Minor pov thing: in my view, narration includes what would naturally be done or thought by a character. This character, upon reaching for her robe, wouldn't be thinking that it was "fleecy." It's just her robe, to her.) She tried to keep her voice low to avoid waking Michelle, still hopefully asleep despite the disturbance. Freud sat on the doormat, hissing at the catflap, not daring to go out. Brrzzzz. (The narrative mentions Michelle here but gives no indication of who or what she is. And Michelle was not mentioned in the rest of the chapter. I think giving some idea of who she is would be a good thing to do. I like the cat.) Sadhu flipped on the porch light and peered through the narrow gap in the lace curtains beside the front door. Pauline's father, Peter Granger, stood in the yellow glow. Sadhu twisted the deadbolt and threw open the door, clutching her robe tightly to her chest.'Mr Granger? What's wrong?' (The deadbolt doesn't seem important to me. I moved the dialogue up to the action beat just for smoothness. No need here to make it a separate paragraph.) Panic filled his normally hooded eyes, wide in the porch light, but his body was stiff and tall, his barrister demeanor maintaining its dominance. 'Pauline's gone. I thought she might have… Good, clear writing that can be tightened a little, a tense situation, good story questions…there's a lot to recommend this. If Pauline is going to be a major character, and we're going to be in her point of view, I'd sure look at expanding her story here. Unless discovery of what happened to her is a key plot element, seeing it happen seems like it could be powerful. But, then, this is not her story, is it? Which makes starting with Sadhu's story even more logical. Comments, anyone? For what it's worth, Ray Thank you, Carolyn, Chris, Darrell, and Lisa for your generous contributions. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. ARCHIVES . © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[C]

Great job, Jan. I'd keep reading.

Totally agree with Ray - kill the Pauline segment or lengthen to a whole scene if her situation is more compelling. (Doubtful though since you hint that her threat of danger is over for the moment.)
Agree with Ray about the Michelle reference. It really threw me.
Other than that I liked the whole scene.
I also liked the way you slipped in extra info like "barrister demeanor."

[Sheila]

I loved the first paragraph. If I had written it, I would be really reluctant to let it go. It grabs you right away - you can feel her fatigue and despair and I love the bit about the stench still in her nose. I would definitely keep reading.

That being said, I agree with Ray that the quick change to another POV was irritating. I felt a little bit teased that Pauline was so quickly dropped. But I think the first paragraph is stronger than the next scene.

[JanW]

Thanks for the mark-up, Ray, and thanks to C and Sheila for comments. I hope others write their comments before reading this.

I could use a bit more help, so I'll share what I was after and how this book fits. It's second in a series. Sadhu and the unseen yet detective are on-going characters. Each book has a 'plot character' and in this one, that person is Pauline. Hence the opening with her. So, yes, Ray, she is a POV character, a very important one. At first I wrote the piece withOUT the opening bit from her POV, but then I read from some other advice that it's helpful to open with the central character. Any thoughts now?

The points about tighter prose are quite helpful and I agree.

Michelle is a carry-over character from the first book. I take your point that for a new-comer to the books, she would need more grounding to be less mysterious. Will do something about that, hopefully without slowing down the story. She's a 5 y.o. girl.

Thanks everyone,
Jan

[c]

Ok - based on the new info and Sheila's opinion, I'd say begin earlier on in the Pauline scene. Extend her thoughts, show her fear, whatever. Keep us with her a bit longer and begin our investment.

I had a similar prob with a stunted scene and when Ray suggested an elongation it was magic.

[tomdg]

The first para, and in fact the first three sentences (ending "pillow") were what grabbed me. When you jumped POV after just one para, I was momentarily confused.

Could you extend the scene a little, perhaps to a less-than-one-page chapter all by itself? (aargh, prologue, nooo!) Perhaps you could give a little more setting - all we've got to go on is the pillow. Of course, you may not want to reveal exactly where she is right now. But how about a couple of other details of the room she's in? E.g., keep the sentences you've got, but add a bit after "pillow" and another bit before "But here she was safe". A bit more of how she's feeling might be good - is there blood pounding in her ears, or is she starting to relax? Any muscular aches? Is she still in too much stress to think?

I think the last sentence of the first para is good and the right place to end that little scene. But I'd suggest a longer punctuation mark after the "safe" - maybe a dash or even a full stop, leaving a fragment for effect.

I should also say that I don't like multiple POVs at all so you have to factor that out as personal bias.