Flogometer for Larry: would you keep reading?

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Note on novel giveaway I have a guest post up on Buzz, Balls & Hype.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Larry's first 16 lines

-- he is, by the way, a physician: I had conflicting feelings as my son James rushed up the steps of the hospital. I looked at my watch. He was three hours late. I had seen only pictures of him for the past ten years. He had taken a train and subway from Connecticut to Brooklyn Heights. His teenage body waved like a stalk of corn in a storm as he moved across the hospital lobby toward me. "Bart?" he asked. Not Dad, I thought as I nodded, "Yes, James." Our eyes met. He extended his right hand. I gasped it and put my left arm on his shoulder. We had lost so much time. "Sorry I'm late, but Fred procrastinated when it was time to drive me to the station." "I'm not surprised, your step-father used all his legal skills to interfere with our visitation. The loudspeaker blared. "Dr Bartolino Ferranti, Dr Ferranti." I picked up the in-house phone "Yes, Bart Ferranti here." "Doctor, we've got a bad allergic reaction in the microbiology lab. "Please hurry!" I rushed to the medication cabinet to grab a bottle of adrenalin, the standard drug used to treat allergic reactions, and a syringe with a needle. Not ready for prime time My admiration for anyone who tackles writing a novel goes to Larry, but you've got some work to do yet. While you do start with a scene, a good thing, it gets off to a slow start (for me), has some craft and staging issues, and -- although the last sentence promises something dramatic -- lacks tension. Some notes: I had conflicting feelings as my son James rushed up the steps of the hospital. I looked at my watch. He was three hours late. I had seen only pictures of him for the past ten years. He had taken a train and subway from Connecticut to Brooklyn Heights. His teenage body waved like a stalk of corn in a storm as he moved across the hospital lobby toward me. (The sentence I cut is an example of overwriting that I found elsewhere in the chapter. For me, the sentence about the photos was slow to parse. For example: For ten years, I'd only seen photos of him. I'd cut the one about the train, too -- doesn't seem necessary to tell us how the boy got there. And the simile tries too hard -- I pictured a stalk of corn in a storm, and can't see a body moving that way. For me, it was distracting and didn't accomplish what Larry intended.)) "Bart?" he asked. (A pet peeve of mine about dialog tags: use said. When you have a question mark ending a sentence, it's redundant to use "asked.") Not Dad., I thought as I nodded. "Yes, James." (Using internal monologue avoids cluttering narrative up with "thought," and produces a crisper narrative.) Our eyes met. He extended his right hand. I gasped it and put my left arm on his shoulder. We had lost so much time. (The detail of right hand and left arm is overwriting. Instead, why not simply: We shook hands, and I put my arm around his shoulders.) "Sorry I'm late, but Fred procrastinated when it was time to drive me to the station."  (This is hardly a dramatic, compelling bit of dialogue. Does it matter why he's late?) "I'm not surprised, your step-father used all his legal skills to interfere with our visitation." (If it weren't for the shortcomings of the previous sentence, this would be a good way to work in this bit of exposition.) The loudspeaker blared. "Dr Bartolino Ferranti, Dr Ferranti." I picked up the in-house phone "Yes, Bart Ferranti here." (A staging and continuity problem -- as far as we know, we're still on the steps outside the hospital, and I doubt there would be an in-house phone there.) "Doctor, we've got a bad allergic reaction in the microbiology lab. "Please hurry!" I rushed to the medication cabinet to grab a bottle of adrenalin, the standard drug used to treat allergic reactions, and a syringe with a needle. (The physician in you is showing up, Larry. At this point, we don't need to be instructed in the standard use of this drug. For one thing, the use is implicit in the action -- he learns of an allergic reaction, he grabs the adrenaline. It's obvious that he needs it to treat the allergic reaction. Also, would the person on the phone, probably a nurse, really say, "Please hurry."? Wouldn't that be understood between professionals?) I did read on, Larry, and there was more of the same that needed work. For example, the next paragraph: "There's an allergic anaphylactic reaction in the biology lab. Hurry! Everyone follow me. Bring the hospital crash cart, Intra-Venous [IV] equipment, oxygen, Rubin breathing bag and something to establish an airway." Seems to me that this is the doctor teaching the reader. In a hospital emergency, everyone knows what things are. A doctor might shout orders to nurses and aides, such as "Crash cart! IV! Oxygen!" (Question: wouldn't a lot of that stuff already be on a crash cart?) Keep at it, Larry. As anyone reading FtQ can tell you, writing novels involves a looooong learning curve. Thanks for sending your work. Comments, anyone? For what it's worth, Ray Flogometer update There are over 20 writers in line for a flogging. As they say, "Hurt me good." If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. ARCHIVES . © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Larry Chiaramonte]

this any better?

I had feelings of love, anxiety and annoyance as my son James rushed up the steps of the hospital. Three hours late! : For ten years, I'd only seen photos of him. His teenage body moved like a stringed puppet across the hospital lobby toward me.
“Bart?”
Not Dad,[italics] I nodded. “Yes, James.”
Our eyes met. : We shook hands, and I put my arm around his shoulders. We had lost so much time.
“Fred took his time when he had to drive me to the station.”
“I’m not surprised; your step-father used all his legal skills to interfere with our visitation.”
James nodded in agreement, just as the loudspeaker blared. "Dr Bartolino Ferranti, Dr Ferranti."
I ran into the hospital to pick up the in-house phone “Yes, Bart Ferranti here.”
“Doctor, we’ve got a bad allergic reaction in the microbiology lab.”
I rushed to the medication cabinet, grabbed a bottle of adrenalin, and a syringe with a needle.
“There’s an allergic anaphylactic reaction in the biology lab. Hurry! Follow me. Cash cart! Be sure there’s something to establish an airway.” I ran to the lab. My allergy residents followed.
James folded his computer booklet under his arm. “Neat, I want in on this.” He raced along with me.

[Larry Chiaramonte]

Even Better:

I hadn't seen my kid in ten years, only photos. The thought of meeting him scared the hell out of me. I had feelings of love, and annoyance as my son, James, rushed up the steps of the hospital. Three hours late! His teenage body jerked like a stringed puppet across the hospital lobby toward me.
“Bart?”
Not Dad,[italics] I nodded. “Yes, James.”
Our eyes met. : We shook hands, and I put my arm around his shoulders. We had lost so much time.
“Fred took his time when he had to drive me to the station.”
“I’m not surprised; your step-father used all his legal skills to interfere with our visitation.”
James nodded in agreement, just as the loudspeaker blared. "Dr Bartolino Ferranti, Dr Ferranti."
I ran into the hospital to pick up the in-house phone “Yes, Bart Ferranti here.”
“Doctor, we’ve got a bad allergic reaction in the microbiology lab.”
I rushed to the medication cabinet, grabbed a bottle of adrenalin, and a syringe with a needle.
“There’s a bad allergic reaction in the biology lab. Hurry! Follow me. Cash cart! Be sure there’s something to establish an airway.” I ran to the lab. My allergy residents followed.
James folded his computer booklet under his arm. “Neat, I want in on this.” He raced along with me.

[Kamila Miller]

I like his son coming along with him. His son disappeared in the first version and seemed irrelevant. I'd be curious enough to read on if only to find out if the doc is going to let James be part of an emergency. That would tell me a lot about their relationship or lack thereof. The question then becomes, if everything is going along swimmingly between them, will anything happen to increase the tension/stakes?

The novel opening, rewritten, is definitely in the so far, so good category for me. There are still a few simple craft issues, though. For example, feelings of love, and annoyance, is telling the audience what the character is feeling. I prefer to be shown. Annoyance I can tolerate being stated, but I'd like to know what kind of feeling of love he has. It's got to be complicated. Sensory information rather than overt description would be better. Does he feel it in his gut? His chest? Is it painful, or warm and pleasant? Is it possessive? Etc. Also, I prefer it when authors avoid exclamation points unless absolutely necessary.

[Mai]

In the rewrites, the images of boy's movement are still too strong, I think. The puppet metaphor also dehumanizes the boy a little.

I know the picture you're trying to convey. For me, movement of a lanky young man always has a fluid quality (despite the lack of grace because his long bones are new to his nerves and muscles) that brings to mind young long-legged hounds (Afghan hounds, Irish wolfhounds, etc.) or colts.

"Visitation" is too formal, compared with an alternate like "visit". Visitation is legalese. And some people will associate it with religious experiences. Neither aspect of the word supports the tension and warmth that would be present in the meeting of Dad and son.

Otherwise, I thought the second rewrite was strong, with good pacing. And I like the emotional frankness of the Dad at the beginning.