Flogometer for Larry: would you keep reading?

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Note on novel giveaway I have a guest post up on Buzz, Balls & Hype.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Larry's first 16 lines

-- he is, by the way, a physician: I had conflicting feelings as my son James rushed up the steps of the hospital. I looked at my watch. He was three hours late. I had seen only pictures of him for the past ten years. He had taken a train and subway from Connecticut to Brooklyn Heights. His teenage body waved like a stalk of corn in a storm as he moved across the hospital lobby toward me. "Bart?" he asked. Not Dad, I thought as I nodded, "Yes, James." Our eyes met. He extended his right hand. I gasped it and put my left arm on his shoulder. We had lost so much time. "Sorry I'm late, but Fred procrastinated when it was time to drive me to the station." "I'm not surprised, your step-father used all his legal skills to interfere with our visitation. The loudspeaker blared. "Dr Bartolino Ferranti, Dr Ferranti." I picked up the in-house phone "Yes, Bart Ferranti here." "Doctor, we've got a bad allergic reaction in the microbiology lab. "Please hurry!" I rushed to the medication cabinet to grab a bottle of adrenalin, the standard drug used to treat allergic reactions, and a syringe with a needle. Not ready for prime time My admiration for anyone who tackles writing a novel goes to Larry, but you've got some work to do yet. While you do start with a scene, a good thing, it gets off to a slow start (for me), has some craft and staging issues, and -- although the last sentence promises something dramatic -- lacks tension. Some notes: I had conflicting feelings as my son James rushed up the steps of the hospital. I looked at my watch. He was three hours late. I had seen only pictures of him for the past ten years. He had taken a train and subway from Connecticut to Brooklyn Heights. His teenage body waved like a stalk of corn in a storm as he moved across the hospital lobby toward me. (The sentence I cut is an example of overwriting that I found elsewhere in the chapter. For me, the sentence about the photos was slow to parse. For example: For ten years, I'd only seen photos of him. I'd cut the one about the train, too -- doesn't seem necessary to tell us how the boy got there. And the simile tries too hard -- I pictured a stalk of corn in a storm, and can't see a body moving that way. For me, it was distracting and didn't accomplish what Larry intended.)) "Bart?" he asked. (A pet peeve of mine about dialog tags: use said. When you have a question mark ending a sentence, it's redundant to use "asked.") Not Dad., I thought as I nodded. "Yes, James." (Using internal monologue avoids cluttering narrative up with "thought," and produces a crisper narrative.) Our eyes met. He extended his right hand. I gasped it and put my left arm on his shoulder. We had lost so much time. (The detail of right hand and left arm is overwriting. Instead, why not simply: We shook hands, and I put my arm around his shoulders.) "Sorry I'm late, but Fred procrastinated when it was time to drive me to the station."  (This is hardly a dramatic, compelling bit of dialogue. Does it matter why he's late?) "I'm not surprised, your step-father used all his legal skills to interfere with our visitation." (If it weren't for the shortcomings of the previous sentence, this would be a good way to work in this bit of exposition.) The loudspeaker blared. "Dr Bartolino Ferranti, Dr Ferranti." I picked up the in-house phone "Yes, Bart Ferranti here." (A staging and continuity problem -- as far as we know, we're still on the steps outside the hospital, and I doubt there would be an in-house phone there.) "Doctor, we've got a bad allergic reaction in the microbiology lab. "Please hurry!" I rushed to the medication cabinet to grab a bottle of adrenalin, the standard drug used to treat allergic reactions, and a syringe with a needle. (The physician in you is showing up, Larry. At this point, we don't need to be instructed in the standard use of this drug. For one thing, the use is implicit in the action -- he learns of an allergic reaction, he grabs the adrenaline. It's obvious that he needs it to treat the allergic reaction. Also, would the person on the phone, probably a nurse, really say, "Please hurry."? Wouldn't that be understood between professionals?) I did read on, Larry, and there was more of the same that needed work. For example, the next paragraph: "There's an allergic anaphylactic reaction in the biology lab. Hurry! Everyone follow me. Bring the hospital crash cart, Intra-Venous [IV] equipment, oxygen, Rubin breathing bag and something to establish an airway." Seems to me that this is the doctor teaching the reader. In a hospital emergency, everyone knows what things are. A doctor might shout orders to nurses and aides, such as "Crash cart! IV! Oxygen!" (Question: wouldn't a lot of that stuff already be on a crash cart?) Keep at it, Larry. As anyone reading FtQ can tell you, writing novels involves a looooong learning curve. Thanks for sending your work. Comments, anyone? For what it's worth, Ray Flogometer update There are over 20 writers in line for a flogging. As they say, "Hurt me good." If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. ARCHIVES . © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Sheila]

Great critique Ray, I learn a lot from seeing how you edit!

This felt like a first draft to me - a good start, but needing work. The typo - "gasp" should be "grasp" I think, the way they change locations without warning, the overwriting, these are things I'm guilty of, but usually catch after a re-read or two (or twelve).

Also, what are his conflicted feelings? Glad to see his son, but sad that it's been so long? Maybe you could show this a bit more with his internal dialog, and mix in resentment for the step-dad (conflict!) Instead of the corn-stalk similie (which didn't really work for me either), have him marvel at how his son has grown.

Good luck!

[Norm]

Looong learning curve indeed. Ray's discussion of the medical terms is constructive. With so many medical shows on TV, plus medical thrillers by Robin Cook, Michael Crichton, et. al., we think we know a bit about medical procedures (whether we do or not is another matter). But, I think the point is that we expect jargon (especially between colleagues and internal dialog).

The first paragraph confused me. "I had conflicting feelings as my son James rushed up the steps of the hospital. ... His teenage body waved like a stalk of corn in a storm as he moved across the hospital lobby toward me." I don't know where I'm watching from. It comes across as third-person omniscient. Could Bart see his son walk up the outside steps when he's standing across the lobby (looking through a window?)?

About Ray's edit of the "asked" attribution. I know Elmore Leonard recommends using "said" 99% of the time. I've put "said" in the attribution following a question mark and my writing group critique friends always change it to "asked." One of my group is a published mid-lister so I assume it is not yet universally accepted. It's something of a "skunk" word, smells either way.

My thought about how to start the story might be to have Bart see his son come into the lobby and wave to him. His pager goes off and Bart answers, gets info, quickly hugs his son and runs away saying, "It's an emergency, I'll be back soon." That loads on the tension for Bart to wonder if his son will be waiting when he gets back.

I hope these thoughts help. Writing simply takes a great deal of honing.

Good luck.

[Scott from Oregon]

The advice I would give this author is this-- If you are going to tell a story in first person, tell it in first person! I mean really become the character telling the story. Try to figure out the "voice" of the guy telling the story. Try to find it and try to keep it.

"I had conflicting feelings as my son James rushed up the steps of the hospital. I looked at my watch. He was three hours late. I had seen only pictures of him for the past ten years. He had taken a train and subway from Connecticut to Brooklyn Heights. His teenage body waved like a stalk of corn in a storm as he moved across the hospital lobby toward me."

Let me take a stab at a "voice" in the first paragraph. Remember, this is just a quick stab as demonstration, so please, no laughing...

I hadn't seen my kid in ten years and the the thought of him showing up any moment scared the hell out of me. He was already three hours late and I wasn't sure if I'd recognize him as it was. I kept looking at my watch. The hospital lobby was quietly busy as I looked out and saw him, young and spindly and swaying like a corn stalk. I tried to compare him to his pictures. My god, had it been ten years?

[Norm]

Pretty good, Scott. I'd maybe show a piece or two of the "quietly busy" lobby and say why seeing my son after 10 years scared me, but not bad.

[JanW]

I think this could go somewhere. Busy doctor reconnects with grown(?) estranged(?) son.

The listing of components of the devices is similar to one of my own transition sins: thinking like a technical writer instead of a novelist. Being aware that you're doing it is the first step to letting it go. Be careful when you write your medical reports, though, and don't confuse with novel style! (that was supposed to be a joke)

As for said versus asked when the dialogue is a question, my reviewers also change to asked. But in Larry's story, the dialogue tag isn't needed at all, frankly.

The next line: Not Dad. I nodded. "Yes, James." NOTE: separate actions from dialogue. Dialogue is not nodded. Heads are nodded. Dialogue is said or asked.

These are craft things and very learnable. We all have done this or similar. So don't give up.

[Mai]

The corn stalk metaphor stopped me cold. If the boy were waving that obviously, he'd be on the point of collapse. If he were like a corn stalk bending under the force of the wind of a storm, he'd be a walking cartoon character. The seconds it took for my mind to try to reconcile something realistic with the images the metaphor created took me right out of the story.

Words like procrastinated and visitation are too formal for the emotional setting.

I can attest to the long learning curve. I worked on my first chapter for fourteen months before it was passable. I was feeling good about it, but an editor advising me has asked me to write character sketches before proceeding, as he can see ahead to trouble (with poorly-defined characters and lack of drama) if I don't.

If anyone had told me fourteen months ago that it would take that long, I wouldn't have believed them. If they'd convinced me, I'd have stopped writing. Fortunately, no one told me. The work of writing is so deeply engaging, you don't notice the time passing. Once you get a chapter of a book in decent shape, it's exhilarating.

[Topher61]

Mai, then there are us really slow learners who have taken 14 years, not months, to get the first chapter right.

[Jessica]

I liked this opening. There were a lot of story questions for me, as well as a terrific setup for tension and conflict: the doctor being called to an emergency at the moment he's being reunited with his long-lost son.

In my unpublished opinion, all the elements are here for a good opening, and it's just a matter of jiggling the order of events and whittling away unnecessary words to increase the tension.

Nice work!

[Jessica]

I liked this opening. There were a lot of story questions for me, as well as a terrific setup for tension and conflict: the doctor being called to an emergency at the moment he's being reunited with his long-lost son.

In my unpublished opinion, all the elements are here for a good opening, and it's just a matter of jiggling the order of events and whittling away unnecessary words to increase the tension.

Nice work!

[Larry Chiaramonte]

thnks for your comments and encouragement
may I send a rewrite? Dr C