Flogometer for Carla: would you keep reading?

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HAPPY NEW YEAR

I've been a little lazy about flogging during the holiday because I took a week off from the day job to work on a book of the "best of" Flogging the Quill, but now we return to a regular schedule of critiquing. Hope you have a great writing year.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Carla's first 16 lines:

Prologue

"They found it." Little Jackson looked up at his nanny, his eyes still glassy but returning to normal.

"They have?" Mrs. Nicestrum spoke sweetly peering over her reading glasses and looking up from her book. She sat aside his bed a bible in her lap. She had been keeping vigil by her charge's side ever since he lapsed into another of his mysterious catatonic states.

The five-year-old boy merely nodded yes causing a damp blond curl to fall across his forehead. She stroked the lock from his eyes. "Well now, it won't be too much longer then will it?"

Jackson pushed himself up and into her arms almost knocking the elderly woman off the bed. She sat there comforting the boy wondering just how much he sees in these mystifying trances.

Chapter One

Clarice gripped the armrest of the Blazer a little tighter as the car jolted over another rock. She looked at her husband. His six-foot frame stayed put, while her tiny body jostled up and down like a kid on a rickety roller-coaster. It felt silly, really. She laughed. She needed to laugh. John watched his wife's bottom actually leave the seat, and he laughed with her.

Clarice and John had come to the mountain in Ithaca looking for land.

Didn't reach the level of compelling for me

While the prologue part raised a story question or two -- what did they find, who were they, and what's with the trances -- they were cut off by the brevity of the prologue, and there were some craft shortcomings. Some notes:

Prologue

"They found it." Little Jackson looked up at his nanny, his eyes still glassy but returning to normal.

"They have?" Mrs. Nicestrum spoke sweetly, peering over her reading glasses and looking up from her book. She sat aside his bed, a bible in her lap. She had been keeping vigil by her charge's side ever since he lapsed into another of his mysterious catatonic states. (Several things here. If you want the reader to "hear" the way a character delivers a speech, the clues have to come before the dialogue. Here, we don't learn that she spoke sweetly until after she'd shut her mouth. This transforms showing into telling.

Then there was the comma shortage in that first sentence -- my ear tells me that one is called for after "sweetly." Also, the action described -- peering over glasses and looking up -- come at the wrong end of the sentence, in my view. More than that, there's a point-of-view uncertainty here. Whose are we in? It isn't Jackson, for we see that his eyes are glassy, which means that we're "outside" of him. But then she speaks "sweetly," which means we're outside of her. Okay, this could be omniscient, but the later narrative suggests that we're in hers. And there's a comma missing after "aside his bed." As for the order of the action in the sentence, I'd suggest turning it all around. For example, how about: Mrs. Nicestrum looked up from her book and peered over her reading glasses. "They did?" Yes, I left the "sweetly" off because of point of view.)

The five-year-old boy merely nodded, yes causing a damp blond curl to fall across his forehead. She stroked the lock from his eyes. "Well now, it won't be too much longer then, will it?" (More missing commas, to my way of reading (indicated in red, after "nodded" and "then." I excised "merely" because the adverb didn't really add anything, and struck the "yes" because that's what a nod signifies. I cut "boy" because his name, Jackson, has already let us know that. So we're seeing signs of overwriting early on.)

Jackson pushed himself up and into her arms, almost knocking the elderly woman off the bed. She sat there, comforting the boy wondering just how much he sees in these mystifying trances. (More problems, including clarity. In the first paragraph, we're told that the woman sat "aside" the bed, which means alongside, not on, but here the boy almost knocks her off the bed. When did she move there? The reference to "the elderly woman" takes us back outside her point of view, and then we're back in with "wondering" -- the inconsistent pov takes me out of the narrative.

More missing commas -- it's true that commas can be tricky, but I feel voids here because the rhythm of the sentences seem wrong without them. I felt that the present tense verb "sees" should have been past tense for agreement's sake. Also, after telling me in the second paragraph that he had "mysterious catatonic trances," I don't need to be told that they're "mystifying" -- we get it.)

Chapter One

Clarice gripped the armrest of the Blazer a little tighter as the car jolted over another rock. She looked at her husband. His six-foot frame stayed put, while her tiny body jostled up and down like a kid on a rickety roller-coaster. It felt silly, really. She laughed. She needed to laugh. John watched his wife's bottom actually leave the seat, and he laughed with her. (I prefer "when" verus "as" here -- "as" is simultaneous, and "when" suggests more cause and effect to me. In reality, the jolt would come first, and then the gripping. I liked the way the relative sizes of the characters were described, though. I liked the "needed to laugh" as a hint of something troubling here (but didn't learn soon enough what it was. The "John watched" was a little awkward for me because it suggests a shift to his point of view. To make it her pov for certain, you'd need to do something more like this: John glanced at her when she left the seat, and he laughed with her.).

Clarice and John had come to the mountain in Ithaca looking for land. (We're slipping into exposition/backstory here, into what has happened, not what is happening. We readers want to know what is happening and what happens next. This kind of thing could be turned around with internal monologue, i.e. Would they find the land they needed on this mountain? This backs off of what little tension we have, for this reader, so I put it down.)

It might be, Carla, that reading aloud will tell your ear where commas may be needed to create pauses in run-on sentences. It sounds like there's an interesting story to be told, but I wonder why the mini-prologue that starts to get us going with mystifying catatonic trances and then leaves us hanging -- why not stay with the boy and get us involved with him? Bottom line, I felt more tension was needed here -- there's no real sense of jeopardy, no threat on the horizon, and no conflict -- and one of those is needed to reach the level of compelling.

Thanks for sending your work, and keep at it -- there's promise here.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Topher61]

I agree with the flogging, including the promising parts of the writing that you pointed out.

What do you think of starting with dialogue in general?

[Carla]

Thank you Ray! I've "miles to go before I sleep."
POV is new and baffling to me. It will take awhile before I get it, I think.
I agree with every comment you made. I guess I hoped the tiny prologue would have made a reader want to find out what they found. I see now there must be more. You are worth your weight in gold, Ray. Thanks again.
Back to the drawing board for me!
Carla

[Ray Rhamey]

Topher61, I believe in starting with a scene, not just dialogue. You can't, really, start well with dialogue alone. There have to be characterization, scene-setting, action, and all those things that create an experience in the reader's mind rather than delivering information.

Ray

[Chro]

I agree wholeheartedly on the text requiring better comma usage. When I read the prologue, I kept 'tripping over my inner voice' because the sentences would pause/end when I didn't expect them to, and not pause when they needed to. As Ray mentioned, read your story aloud (with a tape recorder if necessary) and see where you naturally pause in speech. The way it's written now, the storyteller would sound like one of those pre-recorded computerized menus.

Also, point of view is more than just only mentioning things that one character experiences. It's about perspective. How would a 5-year old see a church interior? How would a priest see the same church? A parishioner? An atheist? They would all have different interpretations of the same space. If you don't present that in your points of view, then all you're really doing is using a nameless narrator with a limited camera angle.

[Annie Rassios]

Only a harp on the mental image, which falls short.

Who was driving the Blazer? Husband or wife? I'm forced to deduce the wife, as she held the armrest, and I suppose her other hand wasn't on the wheel. But if I have to work so hard to figure it out, it's not right.

Perhsonally, I'm not in favor of inpenetrable prologues that waste my time trying to intrigue me instead of just getting me into the story at hand. In the short prologue, I'm not bonding enough with the boy to want to take the time to read why he has trances.

The first chapter, or rather first paragraph, starts me on the way to a story, well and good, but again, while I'm bouncing around in the Blazer and can feel the road, I'm in total darkness about what's out the window.

My two bits worth.

Thank you for someting intelligent to read.

Annie R.

[Carla]

My prejudice for male drivers is showing, haha. My hubby always drives if we're together. LOL
I'm afraid poor Ray would have had to reach the very next paragraph to see scenery. Your comments will all help on the re-write underway.
The commas are a weakness - I'd read once that they were not needed on intro phrases less than 5 words. Mea culpa. I'll bone up. Reading outloud didn't help me - I read like a computerized menu. LOL
I hesitated to add to the prologue as everyone complains of long prologues etc..
I'm stumped frankly because the discovery of the glen had to come first, and yet it doesn't make for an exciting beginning, so I added the small prologue for intrigue.
I keep picturing the whole thing as a movie, and I'd begin in that bedroom and leave the boy crying in the nanny's arms, and then join the couple in the Blazer. Hmm. How much plot needs to be revealed? I'm afraid mine unrolls slowly, cause I thought figuring out what was with the boy and the land was part of the fun. I'm stumped.

[Annie Rassios]

Carla, you know the best place to start the story. Take the time to build the bond with the boy so we care about the intrigue if you chose to go this route. This, and the bit about the glen, are both secrets kept from the reader, and readers like me anyway, don't like too many secrets. Pick your mysteries carefully. Focus on one secret, one view, one spot in the movie screen, build intrigue about just that one focal point, and give us the rest of the scene gratis.

[Bob]

Wow! Carla you've got seven responses from readers anxious to both know more of your story and offer help.

Congratulations.

For me, I think you might consider starting with the prologue as you have it with the excellent suggestions, then go to the woman's pov as she discovers the glen in the very first sentence of chapter one. Perhaps we see her bouncing, hanging on, etc. and looks to to see the sacred glen, the spot she has been searching for. My question, is it the spot that will cure the boy or help him overcome his problems.

[Carla]

Thank you Bob! I hadn't looked at it in that light.

I have re-written. And after much tearing, ripping, cutting, repositioning, and every other 'ing' you can think of, I have come up with an experimental first chapter that, I hope, addresses the problems. It's a bit unkosher, but each scene has the, "They found it," revelation.

The three-scene chapter begins with the nanny, who sits on the edge (lol) of Jackson's bed thinking about him, and his probs. She also describes him as she looks at him, and what his face looks like in the trance etc.. (Much better to anchor the scene before he wakes. Thanks Ray.)

In the second scene, we meet the evil guy through the eyes of his minion. (Always fun, that.) He knows they found the sanctuary, and discusses his plan to kidnap the boy before the child can be led to the glen.

In the third scene, an ancient monk blurts out "They found it," while praying in a chapel. We learn he has visions of the child, but does not know him yet. We get the idea he, and the nanny, know the child's great purpose.

That purpose, Anne, is the biggest mystery, which thanks to you, I understand is all I have to hide from my readers until the big Ta Da. After that Ta Da, everyone is trying to to reach the child, and all the strings pull together for the exciting race against evil to the Glen. Thanks, Anne.

Chapter 1 is greatly altered, and pov's switch only when the couple are separated in scenes. Also, her angst is clearly shown in 2nd. paragraph. I am getting tough on my verbosity too Ray. :) (Not in this post, haha, but in the MS.)

No question now, my conflict is front and center, as is my gratitude for the flogging and everyone's helpful comments.