Flogometer for Stephanie: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Stephanie's first 16 lines:

Mary expressed her irritation in loud stomps that echoed down the locker-lined hallway. Doors whisked shut as she approached. Mary caught snippets as the doors closed. The teachers were saying the standard things: Welcome back for a new school year; hope everyone had a nice summer; please turn to page whatever. Mary had been in one of those classrooms. Bored out of her mind and doodling pentagrams onto the front of her spiral notebook. She wished she still were.

Mary shoved the door to the guidance counselors' office. It banged the doorjamb and made the attendance secretary Mrs. Higgons jump. Mary didn't glance at the scowling secretary as she marched past to Mr. Landa's office. She didn't need to knock. Mr. Landa opened his door wearing an already weary smile.

"Who gets called to the guidance office on the first day of freaking school?"

Mr. Landa's smile didn't falter as he held the door open for her. "Welcome back, Mary." She rolled her eyes and ducked by him to plop into the chair.

"Mary, I'm so sorry. I tried to stop him from summoning you. I hid his pass pad. Made all of his pens leak. I even banged his knees with the desk drawers. I can't believe he had the office secretary call you over the P.A. system. Whatever happened to student confidentiality?"

Mrs. Brown was a ghost. She haunted Mr. Landa's desk. It had been her desk when she'd…

Despite some charms, craft holds this back

There's a likeable style here, and interesting story questions, but some craft issues, especially clarity, rob this opening of the smooth engagement that I think is needed. Some comments:

Mary expressed her irritation in loud stomps that echoed down the locker-lined hallway. Doors whisked shut as she approached. Mary caught snippets as the doors closed. (Snippets of what? The narrative should say. How about: Mary caught snippets of teachers mouthing standard first-day greetings.) The teachers were saying the standard things: Welcome back for a new school year; hope everyone had a nice summer; please turn to page whatever. Mary had been in one of those classrooms. Bored out of her mind and doodling pentagrams onto the front of her spiral notebook. (The fragment didn't work for me; I felt it should be one sentence, i.e. Mary had been in one of those classrooms, bored out of her mind and doodling pentagrams onto the front of her spiral notebook.)  She wished she still were.

Mary shoved the door to the guidance counselors' office. It banged the doorjamb and made the attendance secretary Mrs. Higgons jump. (Clarity issue here about the action with the door. For this reader, her shoving the door communicates that she shoves it open. Yet it bangs the doorjamb, and a doorjamb is part of the side of the door opening. The only way it could bang the doorjamb is if it were shoved closed. I think this description needs to be recast). Mary didn't glance at the scowling secretary as she marched past to Mr. Landa's office. (How did she know there was a scowl if she didn't look? And I didn't care for "scowling secretary." What if she ignores the secretary's scowl instead?) She didn't need to knock. Mr. Landa opened his door wearing an already weary smile.

"Who gets called to the guidance office on the first day of freaking school?" (While the content of the dialogue reveals who is speaking, it's only at the end. I think a dialogue tag would help clarity here.)

Mr. Landa's smile didn't falter as he held the door open for her. "Welcome back, Mary." She rolled her eyes and ducked by him to plop into thea chair.

"Mary, I'm so sorry. I tried to stop him from summoning you. I hid his pass pad. Made all of his pens leak. I even banged his knees with the desk drawers. I can't believe he had the office secretary call you over the P.A. system. Whatever happened to student confidentiality?" (We don't know who's saying this, and it was totally confusing. As far as the narrative has shown us, there are only two characters, and this isn't one of them.)

Mrs. Brown was a ghost. She haunted Mr. Landa's desk. It had been her desk when she'd…(This flat exposition is clearly the author intruding on the scene to deliver information. Mrs. Brown needs to be introduced before her speech. For example, before Mrs. Brown's dialogue, how about something like: Mrs. Brown's voice emanated from Mr. Landa's desk. Then, after her speech, slip in a little information such as: Mary didn't know why the ghost of a former counselor had befriended her, but she appreciated Mrs. Brown's efforts. Just a thought-starter.)

The following pages revealed an interesting paranormal story developing, but clarity issues and chunks of backstory kept interfering. Still, there's plenty of promise, and I urge Stephanie to keep working at it.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Feel free to drop a tip in the jar.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I like where the story seems to be going. I think it would make the opening snap if you started with the ghost and her excuses. The rest of the opening it seemed to be, like Ray calls it, "throat clearing."

I'd read on, just to see what's going to happen with the ghost!

[Jessica]

I like where the story seems to be going. I think it would make the opening snap if you started with the ghost and her excuses. The rest of the opening it seemed to be, like Ray calls it, "throat clearing."

I'd read on, just to see what's going to happen with the ghost!

[Bartleby]

I agree with every comment Ray made. It's my personal opinion (and not worth a d@mn) but the exaggeration turned me off. Irritation is expressed as:
expressed her irritation
stomped
shoved
banged
not looking at someone yet knowing that person scowled
marched
rolled her eyes
ducked
plopped

I think this mood could have been established more subtly in one short paragraph.

Yet, when the ghost communicates (I was confused, too, about who was speaking here), the reader doesn't learn about Mary's reaction. I presume it would have been significant, albeit perhaps kept to herself, by the second, third word of the ghost's speech.

[Amy]

Given how familiar Mary is with the guidance counselor's office, I assumed that she was also familiar with the ghost.

I agree with Jessica, the hook is really in the ghost. Before that it's just a standard teenage story.

I really liked where this piece is going. Even though the writing was a little clunky, I liked Mary and could see that Mr. Landa was going to be the villain. I want to know more! Why did he call her to his office almost before school started? That seemed sinister.

I agree with Ray, plenty of promise in this one.

[Norm]

For me, the story started at para 2. It's action. It gives us the sense of place. I'm ready to find out what Mary's upset about. I would cut the first para.

"Mary expressed her irritation in loud stomps that echoed down the locker-lined hallway." The sentence is a little over-written. I know because I'm very guilty of this one. "Locker-lined hallway is too dense to me. Also it starts by telling: "Mary expressed her irritation ..." If someone goes around scowling, clomping, and banging, I figure that something might be bothering them. I would not think that they were happy.

I concur that the ghost's speaking is confusing. Perhaps Mary could scowl at the desk and have it answer, "Mary, I'm so sorry..."

If possible, have Mary go into an empty office and talk with the ghost before Mr Landa walks in.

I liked the use of action verbs and the lack of adverbs.

[Stephanie]

Thanks everyone for you comments and suggestions. I will play around with the opening and hopefully, make it better.

Regarding the doorjamb, that's a mistake. I meant a wall mounted door stop, specifically the springy ones that are placed low to the floor. Thanks, Ray for pointing out my mistake.

[Danie]

I agree with all the comments. What stopped me the most however, and this is a pet peeve of mine, is the constant repetition of the POV character's name. It's mentioned five times in the opening two paragraphs. Two mentions would be have been sufficient.

I am intrigued by the ghost as well and thought it could have played a more prominent role right from the beginning, perhaps following Mary (and talking to her) as she heads for Mr. Landa's office.

[Carla]

I saw it. I followed that sassy teen Mary, down the hall and into that pricipal's office, and knew she was a wise-a, smart aleck kid. So the ghost was a bonus.

That said, Ray's fixes will help a ton.
It's amazing how much he picks up!

I hate jumping right in, so I appreciated the walk down the hall etc. Take everything with a grain of salt and go Stephanie. It sounds like an interesting YA story.

[TMM]

I agree with Danie. I couldn't even get to the level that Ray was on because the Mary-this Mary-that was too distracting to me. My mind kept searching for a pattern of why the name would be repeated like that. It could be a personal thing, but it bugged.