Flogometer for Nancy: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Nancy's first 16 lines:

Rita Fuentes paced around her adoptive mother's kitchen table until she was sure she'd leave a groove in the linoleum. She'd celebrated her birthday two days before, April 2, 1974, surrounded by only two of the people she loved. Her friend Sophie, a genealogist, wasn't furthering her cheer, especially as she'd gone quiet the last couple of minutes.

"Sorry," Sophie said.

Rita stopped near the wall phone. Oh my God, no, she thought, gripping the receiver until she thought it'd break. You have to give me something to be happy about. Tell me you've found me.

"Don't have all my papers. Be right back."

She clenched her teeth when she heard the thump on the other end. "Sure, take your time," Rita said. She'd been searching for her birth mother since the hippies' Summer of Love, so another minute or two wouldn't matter. But it felt like years ticking by instead of minutes.

"Okay, Rita. You ready?"

What was that in her voice? Rita wrapped and unwrapped the phone cord around her fingers. Bad news? Or was Sophie again practicing her version of professional cool? It was time to face this, put an end to this. "All right," she said. She held her breath.

Sophie sighed. "I couldn't find you, Rita," she said. "It's like...you were never born."

One line got me to turn the page, but then…

The last line of this narrative, the part about never being born, got me to turn the page. I wasn't leaning that way until then because I found the narrative a little on the confusing side, and it seemed to be spending a lot of time dealing out information. The rest of the chapter, Nancy, didn't fare so well. It didn't seem to be wanting to get to what the story was about, and the scene with the daughter drained all tension for this reader. Some notes:

Rita Fuentes paced around her adoptive mother's the kitchen table until she was sure she'd leave a groove in the linoleum. She'd celebrated her birthday two days before, April 2, 1974, surrounded by only two of the people she loved. Her friend Sophie, a genealogist, wasn't furthering her cheer, especially as she'd gone quiet the last couple of minutes. (Slipping in bits of exposition, i.e. adoptive mother and genealogist, keeps the point of view very distant. There will be other, smoother opportunities to get this information in. It threw me a little when she was "surrounded" by just two people -- how do you do that? Is it necessary that we need to know her birthday date, and that she'd had a birthday recently? The rest of the chapter didn't seem to need that information. Also, I didn't understand until the third paragraph, when Rita grips the phone, that she was on the phone. I think this is a little bit of "throat clearing" as well as info dump.)

"Sorry," Sophie said.

Rita stopped near the wall phone. Oh my God, no, she thought, gripping the receiver until she thought it'd break. You have to give me something to be happy about. Tell me you've found me. (I liked the "found me" part.)

"Don't have all my papers. Be right back." (Why are we stalling here? This pause didn't increase tension in me, it dulled things down. Besides, if Sophie had been silent for two minutes before, why wasn't she getting the papers then?)

She clenched her teeth when she heard the thump on the other end. "Sure, take your time," Rita said. She'd been searching for her birth mother since the hippies' Summer of Love, so another minute or two wouldn't matter. But it felt like years ticking by instead of minutes. (At Rita's level of anxiety, I don't think she'd be going through this backstory -- the is the author intruding to give us information, and not good for creating a tense scene.)

"Okay, Rita. You ready?" (A couple of things here. I think a dialogue tag would be good as it's not clear who spoke. And we're still stalling. Of course Rita is ready, and Sophie would know that. More throat-clearing. Get to it!)

What was that in her voice? Rita wrapped and unwrapped the phone cord around her fingers. Bad news? Or was Sophie again practicing her version of professional cool? It was time to face this, put an end to this. "All right," she said. She held her breath. (I found this whole paragraph to be another pace killer. I felt that the author was dragging things out. Rather than building tension in me -- keep in mind that this is subjective -- it created impatience and a low-level frustration, not good in the opening pages.)

Sophie sighed. "I couldn't find you, Rita," she said. "It's like...you were never born." (For my money, this should be the opening line of the story. The rest of the information could be folded in later. For example, if this were the opening line, the next could introduce Rita and who Sophie is with something like this: Rita Fuentes clenched the phone. A genealogist had been her last hope for finding her birth mother. By the way, it's never clear why it's so important to her to find her birth mother. I think her extreme anxiety is unmotivated. Can you give us a reason? Something related to what the story is about?)

For me, this story is having a tough time getting started. For me, there's too much internalizing at this point. Even after reading the first chapter, I still didn't know what the story was about, nor what was driving Rita to learn who her birth mother was.

I'm sure you have a good story to tell, Nancy, and your writing is clean, with no annoying grammatical errors, but I think that the way you're withholding what the story is about isn't creating tension in perhaps the way you want. I think you need to get to the part about "as if never lived" (which is a great hook) right away, and help us understand why the need to know her birth mother is so strong. There must be a motivating factor -- this conversation is taking place after she has been married and is the mother of four children. So why the urgency now?

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Feel free to drop a tip in the jar.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Bartleby]

I agree with Ray's comment about the exposition. I beg to differ on the "Okay, Rita. You ready?" line. I had no trouble figuring out who was speaking and the line hinted the news wasn't going to be good. It peaked my curiosity.

The last sentence (not finding you/as if you were never born)is indeed good but i also wonder whether it's an example of sensationalizing to draw the reader in. Yes, i would continue reading after this sentence but with my credibility antenna up. The personal info of children put up for adoption is still in the system and only information about the birth mother is suppressed. I would feel disappointed if this is the situation here. If the person really isn't in the system at all, I would be curious (and a little envious :)

[Jessica]

I thought the last line was the most powerful. It opened up a whole treasure trove of possibilities and questions for me. Perhaps the author should start with it?

I found the rest of the exposition confusing. I wasn't sure what Rita wanted from Sophie, whether Sophie was in the room or on the phone, or even how old Rita was.

But that last line made me want to read on.

[Carla]

I'm so sorry. I was terribly, annoyingly confused. I thought the character was special or something.

Story idea seems solid though, so take the ideas, rewrite and keep trying.

[Ali]

I agree with Bartleby that no tag was necessary on "OK, Rita. Are you ready?" Assuming there are only 2 people talking, it had to be Sophie because Rita wouldn't use her own name.

I've never met an adoptee who referred to their mother as their "adoptive mother" except under extremely unusual circumstances. The woman who raised them has been Mom since childhood, and a search for a birth mother doesn't change that.

[Amy]

I agree with Jessica- the last line was great. I would also suggest the author start with that. Not knowing what the rest of the story is intended to be about, I'll throw in a disclaimer that that line really made me anticipate some sort of mystery or fantasy, which might be why it grabbed my attention.

Regarding Ray's comments about witholding what the story is about: Orson Scott Card (in "Writing Science Fiction and Fantasy") comments that a mistake first-time writers often commit is coming up with a fabulous story idea- and then waiting until the end of their novel to reveal it. I wonder if that's the case here? I know I've done that before.