Flogometer for Bob: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Bob's first 16 lines:

TO LUKE OEDING'S untrained ear it sounded like a string of firecrackers: sharp reports that echoed across the intersection, bouncing off the adobe and brick canyon walls of downtown San Antonio. The piercing pops startled a few in the crowd gathered for the Battle of Flowers Parade. Luke looked around, more curious than fearful. Fireworks were outlawed, but, assuming some playful teen-ager had decided to liven the occasion by lighting forbidden pyrotechnics, he shrugged his shoulders.

True to his ministerial training, he could not resist offering a smile to reassure a nervous woman, who stood next to him, holding the hand of a child.

"Don't worry. It's just some . . ."

Pop! Pop! Pop  . . . pop  . . . pop  . . . pop-pop-pop . . .

Luke swiveled to see one of the pops rip open the chest of a hefty police officer directing traffic. He pitched backward to lie sprawled, unmoving.

"Nacho!" Another officer bolted into the intersection only to tumble the last few feet, blood gushing from both legs. The policeman found himself using the warm body for cover.

Riding the rising crest of chaos a piercing scream spun Luke back to the nervous woman.

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"Officer down! Officer down!" Bexar County Sheriff's Deputy Nancy Neff heard the frantic words every lawman fears.

Interesting action, but craft issues discouraged me
There's no doubt potentially gripping things are happening here, and I suspect there are FtQ readers who will say they'd turn the page. But these days there are many agents who will put aside a manuscript if the writing isn't virtually 100% publishable.

Here, signs of overwriting and some of my pet peeves about point-of-view stopped me -- I was sure I'd see more in the later pages, and knew (as an editor) that considerable work was ahead before the writing would be what this story needs. I looked ahead, of course, and I was right.

The following pages had plenty of good writing, but there were more signs of the editing needed to make a truly crisp, compelling narrative of a horrific situation -- a teen mass murderer opening up on a parade with a machine gun. It's potentially a gripping situation, but there were too many speed bumps and potholes for me -- remember, this is all very subjective. Some notes:

TO LUKE OEDING'S untrained ear it sounded like a string of firecrackers: sharp reports that echoed across the intersection, bouncing bounced off the adobe and brick canyons walls of downtown San Antonio. The piercing pops startled a few in the crowd gathered for the Battle of Flowers Parade. Luke looked around the Battle of Flowers Parade more curious than fearful. Fireworks were outlawed, but , assuming somea playful teen-ager had must have decided to liven the occasion by lighting forbidden pyrotechnics, he shrugged his shoulders. (Words like "assuming" and descriptions of feeling suggest that we're in a close third point of view. If so, Luke would not be thinking of his ear as "untrained." I thought "more curious than fearful" didn't logically belong because, with the narrative directing me to think of firecrackers, there's no reason for fear to be one of his possible reactions. I didn't feel that the shrug was necessary -- if I had, I would have cut "his shoulders" because that's what people usually shrug, and thus overwriting makes its appearance.)

True to his ministerial training, hHe could not resist offering offered a smile to reassure a nervous woman who stood next to him, holding the hand of a child. (Another pov issue -- would he be thinking about his ministerial training? This is the voice of the author, intruding to give us background info, not the experience of the character. It's not really needed here, what's important is what's happening. And why does he think the woman is nervous? There's no description to tell us that. This is telling. To motivate his smile, how about having her gasp, or have the child cry out? And I'd have the motivation precede the smile.)

"Don't worry. It's just some . . ."

Pop! Pop! Pop  . . . pop  . . . pop  . . . pop-pop-pop . . .the chest of a hefty traffic officer ripped open. He pitched backward and sprawled, unmoving. (as you see from the former narrative below, this can be much tighter. And I had a small problem with a "pop" ripping a chest open. I think you get the picture better here.)

Luke swiveled to see one of the pops rip open the chest of a hefty police officer directing traffic. He pitched backward to lie sprawled, unmoving.

"Nacho!" Another officer bolted into the intersection, only tothen tumbled the last few feet, blood gushing from both his legs. The policeman found himself using the warm body for cover. (Lots of opportunity for tightening here, including the part about using the body for cover. Not necessary, and it felt like a slide into another point of view.)

Riding the rising crest of chaos, a piercing scream spun Luke back to the nervous woman. (comma missing after "chaos")

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"Officer down! Officer down!" Bexar County Sheriff's Deputy Nancy Neff heard the frantic words every lawman fears. (This is not the time to give her full title and county and all that. This is the time to hook the reader with what's happening. Plenty of time later to include details such as this. Also, "heard" is pretty much a wasted verb -- I suggest action, such as clenching her steering wheel, or some other reaction to what she has obviously heard.)

While much of the writing is clean and professional, for me there was too much of it. A good edit would get Bob going, I suspect, and he'll learn to boil out the fat when an intense action scene is being played out. Keep at it, Bob, the story sounds very interesting, and it looked like there were good characters ahead.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Feel free to drop a tip in the jar.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I’ll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES . © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[TMM]

I like that idea, Ray. And to be clear, Bob - I said spare but vivid sentences, not paragraphs. I don't think paragraphs would do anything but slow things down.

[tomdg]

I tripped over a lot of the sentences, such as "Fireworks were outlawed ..." and "True to his ministerial training ..." as I found them long and convoluted. But I really liked this line:

"Luke swiveled to see one of the pops rip open the chest of a hefty police officer directing traffic."

You can feel the exact instant where he goes from thinking it's just firecrackers to seeing a man get shot, and for me at least it conveys the shock really well. It works all the better because the innocuous "pops" is right next to "rip open the chest".

I'd just suggest altering the first four words though, as "swivelled" doesn't work for me. How about "turned"? Up to and including the word "pops", he's hearing firecrackers and enjoying the parade; you should choose your words to convey that and give no hint of what's coming next.

Do you get lots of shootings in San Antonio? If it were me, I'd assume I was hearing firecrackers or fireworks because where I live, they're much more common at parades than guns. In fact, I don't think I've ever heard real gunfure (apart from the time I blundered into a military exercise on Dartmoor, but that's a totally different setting ...) Maybe that's why the "pops rip" line works so well for me. I guess How Luke would hear it will depend on his background.

And I suggest you rename the cop - "Nacho" to me is a corn chip. Just because it's true doesn't make it believable.

[Bob]

Thanks Tom. Your points are well taken and Nacho will get a new name.

No, we don't have many shootouts in San Antonio, it's actually a quiet, beautiful city with friendly people. I guess that's why I chose the shootout as an opening for the book which goes on to deal with the Afro-Caribben religons of Santeria and Palo Mayombe; (hence a minister as our hero, who discovers a world he never suspects to exist, one of human sacrifice and drug smuggling) not the occult that comes out of the woodwork to haunt you, but the occult as it really exists with sinister mind control.

Again, thanks to all for your comments. I'm going back to the drawing board to see if I can tighten this up even more.