Flogometer for Laurie: would you keep reading?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This is for Laurie. Here are the first 16 lines:

Before I outed Tommy Kozlowski, our friendship was already worn to threads. I had known for years that he was two-faced -- not the nicest kid in the world, you could say -- but he was basically harmless. The all talk type. But harmless or not, we were running on fumes.

Tom was what you'd call a 'summer friend.' I've also heard 'fair weather friend,' and I think that sums it up. We were only friends when Tommy or I was really desperate for someone to hang out with. Before the accident, we had already outgrown each other, if not quite yet our supposedly juvenile mutual interests.

Last year, when he was in ninth grade and I was in eighth, we were in totally different schools. It was better that way; not seeing him ignoring me or snickering with the older kids when they made their lame little insults. And him not seeing me getting pissed off at him for being a jerk. But when September rolls around, we'll find ourselves in the same high school and it will be the same old crap from Tom. He hadn't matured very much in the last year, I would say.

We have some things in common, Tom and I. For example, neither of us is known for our stellar academic performance. He's a whole grade ahead of me -- more than a year older -- and yet he says things like "I seen" and "it don't matter," and I know for a fact that he never, ever picks up a book just for fun. That's another thing we have in common.

Despite the nice voice, I passed.

The first couple of paragraphs hint at interesting story questions, but then the narrator slips into exposition. I read on, of course, to see if there was more later to draw a reader in that could be moved up front, but we never got back to the original story questions. Instead, we got into the narrator's family history. So the opening page was a preview of what was to come, which wasn't story.

I did like the writing, and the voice of the narrator is natural and easy to "listen" to. If only he'd been telling me a story about something that happened instead of how he played Legos with Tom and has two older sisters.

That's one of the reasons I advocate opening with a scene. By definition, a scene must include something happening -- dialogue (hopefully), action, description. And conflict. This story teases about conflict, but then walks away from it into backstory that, while well written, falls short of compelling for me.

Déjà vu all over again

Exposure to many different openings by many different writers has to do with why I didn't turn this page -- you learn, after a while, that what's in those first 16 lines is a fair predictor of what's to come. In this case, I anticipated more exposition and backstory, and I got it. Unfortunately, that's no way to hook this particular reader.

Other issues: clarity was one. Because the writer's name sounds feminine to me (but isn't, I guess, necessarily so), I assumed that the narrator was a girl. I found out on page 3 that the narrator was a boy. And what's his name?

There was a touch of overwriting that slowed things down, as well:

Tom was what you'd call a 'summer friend.' I've also heard 'fair weather friend,' and I think that sums it up. We were only friends when Tommy or I was really desperate for someone to hang out with.

While a real person, while ruminating, might toy with various expressions of something such as "summer friend" and "fair-weather friend," I think it doesn't work well in narrative. More than that, applying labels to behavior is "telling." I'd delete those two sentences and go with what follows them, i.e.:

Tom and I were only friends when we were really desperate for someone to hang out with.

Laurie definitely shows writing talent, no doubt about that. But I feel s/he needs to get the story going. Laurie, take a quick look at the articles cited above -- Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action -- for more about what I'm trying to get at. Then find a place in your story -- for example, how about the scene in which Tommy is outed -- and get me involved with what's happening now, not what happened then.

Thanks for sending your work, and keep at it.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jeannie]

I really liked the first paragraph - it caught my attention. The tone and voice was great.

Where I phased out was in the third paragraph, because it deviated from the part that held my interest - when Tommy got outed. I agree, that's what I wanted to see.

[Laurie]

No matter how many times (about twice a week) I read 'open with a scene', 'show, don't tell', 'don't overwrite', 'too much backstory', my draft did all these things. Am I thick? Ray's fine-point is extremely helpful to get my story moving, and keep people from falling asleep. One disagreement, though: Why play my hand in the first 16 lines by opening with a scene that should, probably, be the climax of the whole book? Don't we foreshadow any more?

[Ray]

The reader (me) doesn't know what place in the story a scene holds, so my comments were directed at simply the engagement of the reader. Of course we foreshadow, but are you saying that the outing and the accident are the climax?

Okay. But then what's the story about? What's the inciting incident that changes things for the protagonist in ways that compel him to enter into conflict, to take risks, to move toward a goal? Maybe that's the place to look for the scene that starts the story.

BTW, I don't think you're thick at all--you're just too close, just like every writer is to his/her narrative (including me). What you've heard from me and Jeannie and whoever else weighs in is what fresh eyes see.

If anything, I hope your "flogging" will help give you enough distance to cold-bloodedly evaluate the narrative on storytelling merits alone. As I said, I liked your writing just fine.

Best,

Ray

[Jessica]

Oh, the first paragraph is so promising! THAT'S the story I want to hear!