Flogometer for Gene: would you keep reading?

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS

I'm having a lazy day, but decided I'd better do a flog since I didn't say I was going to take the time off.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Gene's first 16 lines:

August 1945, Japanese occupied Manchuria

Two hours after receiving the telegraph from Tokyo, Lieutenant General Kahshara Futaki remained at his desk, still struggling with the words. The order came from the High Command. He must obey it, but he could not bring himself to pick up the phone to set it in motion. How could he? Doing so would mean the end of his life's work. There had to be something wrong, some mistake, perhaps a word he'd missed or had not understood. For the tenth, or maybe the hundredth time -- he'd lost track -- he reread the brief text:

To: Kahshara Futaki, Commanding Officer, Unit 859
From: Koiso Kuniaki, Premier and Commander-in-Chief

Despite the Imperial Army's valiant struggle, the Russian invaders will overrun your position within forty-eight hours. The weapons you have stockpiled and the buildings and any equipment used to manufacture them cannot be allowed to fall into enemy hands. The secret you have guarded all these years must remain. You are therefore ordered to obliterate all traces of the facility you command and return to Tokyo. No sign of your operation is to remain by the time the invader arrives.

Again, General Futaki found no hope. The order was unambiguous leaving no chance that he could save anything. He would be shot unless he obeyed it to the letter. Even if he tried, it seemed impossible. How could he destroy 150 buildings in less than two days, one of them with eight-foot-thick double walls?

I read on with this one

This is a prologue, and usually I'm against them, but this one raised good story questions right away (as so many prologues fail to do), so I turned the page. Besides, the writing is clean, and there's a promise of taking me somewhere I haven't been. Good work, Gene.

When I read on, I discovered that the General was producing bombs loaded with a plague. He decided to use them, but misfortune prevents that. All but one bombful of viruses is destroyed, and eventually the virus finds a home on a Pacific island. There the prologue ends, with a killer disease ready to infect the world. And thus a thriller is begun.

The writing is pretty tight, though I'll suggest a few little tweaks.

August 1945, Japanese-occupied Manchuria (needed a hyphen for compound adjective "Japanese-occupied")

Two hours after receiving the telegraph telegram from Tokyo, Lieutenant General Kahshara Futaki remained at his desk, still struggling with the words. The order came from the High Command. He must obey it, but he could not bring himself to pick up the phone to set it in motion. How could he? Doing so would mean the end of his life's work. There had to be something wrong, some mistake, perhaps a word he'd missed or had not understood. For the tenth, or maybe the hundredth time -- he'd lost track -- he reread the brief text: (As noted below, the text is not really brief, and not done in the way of telegrams.)

To: Kahshara Futaki, Commanding Officer, Unit 859
From: Koiso Kuniaki, Premier and Commander-in-Chief

Despite the Imperial Army's valiant struggle, the Russian invaders will overrun your position within forty-eight hours. The weapons you have stockpiled and the buildings and any equipment used to manufacture them cannot be allowed to fall into enemy hands. The secret you have guarded all these years must remain. You are therefore ordered to obliterate all traces of the facility you command and return to Tokyo. No sign of your operation is to remain by the time the invader arrives. (If this is a telegram, I question its wordiness -- wouldn't a telegram be, well, telegraphic? Might be more dramatic if written in the way of telegrams -- the language was very brief because of all the code that needed to be signaled.

Again, General Futaki found no hope. The order was unambiguous leaving left no chance that he could save anything. He would be shot unless he obeyed it to the letter. ("to the letter" is a cliché, suggest delete if can't change it) Even if he tried, But it seemed impossible. How could he destroy 150 buildings in less than two days, one of them with eight-foot-thick double walls?

Good stuff, Gene. I saw more small opportunities for polishing in the rest of the sample, but you're well on your way. Thanks.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Liz]

Excellent job Gene! I loved this and I'd definitely turn the page. The story questions were right up there from line one. I disagree with Ray's suggestion to change telegraph to telegram. This is a military order delivered in the field. But he's right about the wordiness of the message. To my eyes it's a bit too chatty and lacks precision. The length isn't an issue. Radio operators were able to send and receive at speeds in excess of thirty words a minute. It just needs to sound more like an order. But that's just me.

[Bob Stewart]

Great work, Gene. I like what Ray and Liz suggest and would like to add a few of my own through this suggested rewrite of the opening. Please use what is helpful, throw away what is not and remember two things. Any suggestion is in the spirt of trying to be helpful, and this is your dream, your work, only do what appeals to you.

Albest,
Bob

August 1945, Japanese occupied Manchuria

Two hours after receiving the directive from Tokyo, Lieutenant General Kahshara Futaki remained at his desk, still struggling with the words. The order came from the High Command. He must obey it, but he could not bring himself to pick up the phone to set it in motion. How could he? Doing so would mean the end of his life's work. There had to be something wrong, some mistake, perhaps a word he'd missed or had not understood. For the tenth, or maybe the hundredth time -- he'd lost track -- he reread the brief text:

To: Kahshara Futaki, Commanding Officer, Unit 859
From: Koiso Kuniaki, Premier and Commander-in-Chief

Despite the Imperial Army's valiant struggle, the Russian invaders will overrun your position within forty-eight hours. You are therefore ordered to obliterate all traces of the facility you command and return to Tokyo. No sign of your operation is to remain by the time the invader arrives. Your work there must remain a national secret.

Again, General Futaki found no hope. The order was unambiguous leaving no chance that he could save anything. He would be shot unless he obeyed it. Even if he tried, it seemed impossible. How could he destroy 150 buildings in less than two days, one of them with eight-foot-thick double walls. Depression as destructive as the power of his secret mission enveloped him. Destruction would be his legacy. Years of work to protect his homeland would go for nought.

[Theadra Leilani]

Wow Gene, I have to say I was pulled in against my will. I couldn't stop. I agree with Liz about the wordiness of the telegraph versus the amount of words. My father was a 20 year military man, so I could almost hear how the orders would have sounded, although I liked Bob suggestion of not showing us exactly what's said. I think the word telegraph captures the time frame perfectly. Telegraph is the equipment used and a telegram is what a person receives at their door. It's the written out message received through the telegraph. For military though, especially if the Lieutenant received the message directly, it works. Keep writing!!

[Russ]

The telegram is what you receive.
Telegraph is the apparatus that sends the transmission.
Nice writing.

[Marianne]

I think this is a neat piece of writing. I have read it a few times and found only the same edits as Ray, and agree that the telegram would be more dramatic if sounding like a curt order. But it does provoke curiosity and although I'm not usually a thriller reader this would tempt me to read on to find out what the secret was. Good stuff.

[Aaron Starr]

This is certainly compellingly written, but you may want to check on those names. In standard Romaji, the General's name would be something like "Kashahara","Kahara" or "Koharu". You can't form a proper Japanese name with a "stray" consonant like the H after the first A. Also, the message would omit the commander's first name, as these are rarely used in Japan, and certainly not in a military message. Lastly, the Japanese characters would think of their own names the way they are used to using them, with the family name first, and their given name second.

[Aaron Starr]

This is certainly compellingly written, but you may want to check on those names. In standard Romaji, the General's name would be something like "Kashahara","Kahara" or "Koharu". You can't form a proper Japanese name with a "stray" consonant like the H after the first A. Also, the message would omit the commander's first name, as these are rarely used in Japan, and certainly not in a military message. Lastly, the Japanese characters would think of their own names the way they are used to using them, with the family name first, and their given name second.

[K. J. O.]

Additionally, I think that the telegram would have the characteristic "stop" at appropriate intervals (I've seen "X" in urgent situations), as well as a choppier, less grammatical style (articles are almost always omitted). One could debate this, since the telegram ought to be in Japanese and admittedly I don't know how those read, but since you're writing in English I think that using an English/American style will appeal better to your audience.