Flogometer for Marianne: would you keep reading?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Marianne's first 16 lines:

At first, when I first met Jimmy, for weeks I wondered whether we would get to be more than friends. Whether I'd want to be - knowing it was a possibility because he's the sort of person who takes what's offered and thinks about where it might lead afterwards. I'm not sure even now what it was held me back right from the start, except maybe some hint of the destructive element in Jimmy's life. And then the longer I knew him the more that side of him began to surface and there were other reasons not to want to link my life with his too closely. I thought I should keep him at arms length, someone who made me laugh and forget myself - so long as he remained a friend, so long as I was in control.

And I thought I was, in control, even after he started to borrow money from me, and scrounge floor-space for days at a time, use up my drink and cigarettes, and appear at my door in the middle of the night with that wry smile on his face and one eyebrow raised - a trick that he knew from experience let him through many doors. How many other people he used in this way I don't know; what I do know is that eventually they all did what I should have done and refused to open the door to him any more. In fact it worked the other way with me, the more people gave up on him the less I felt able to, because what would Jimmy do then?

I've always been too soft for my own good.  That was how we met.

More "telling" than I wanted to read

There is good writing here, but it's all someone telling me about someone, and in vague terms, too -- "hint of the destructive element" and "that side of him began to surface" -- what element? What side? Why are you withholding this from me, says the frustrated reader.

This opening seems like what is called "throat clearing" -- telling us stuff the author thinks we need to know. Not really -- what we readers need is to experience a story. This opening is information, not drama.

For me, a scene is by far the best way to involve a reader, and Marianne's very next page opened with just that:

It's a Friday night. I'm in town with Liz and Sameera - and by midnight I've had enough. We've ended up at Limit but somehow I can't be bothered. I'm thinking about going home, after this last drink that I'm just being served, when I become aware of this guy at the side of me, softly, but persistently, cursing.

"I've been fuckin' robbed," he's complaining to a disinterested barman. "I had a fiver, a fiver, look - it's fuckin' gone."

Now that's a far better hook for me, and raises story questions immediately. There's a promise of a story and interesting characters.

I read on, doing my due diligence as an editor, not a reader. Marianne continues to have some nice writing and good dialogue -- but my interest eventually waned because the narrative was mostly "get-acquainted" stuff about the protagonist and Jimmy. Never did really learn what the story was about.

My feeling, Marianne, is that you're starting way too early in your story. Can you get closer to the inciting incident, the event where things turn troublesome with Jimmy? That's the story, isn't it -- what he does, and how this character deals with it? Give us a good, dramatic scene, and working in backstory (if really needed) as you go. Frankly, I don't think how they met is particularly important, or interesting. What would be interesting is the tension and conflict that arises when Jimmy does whatever he does that shows his "destructive element."

I'm sure you have something good to read waiting for us -- so don't make us wait. You've got the writing skills, now focus on story. If you haven't read the posts mentioned above as "homework," maybe they will help if you give them a quick look. Thanks for sharing this with me.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Theadra]

I agree with you, Ray. This was a lot of telling. I see good writing, but it's getting lost in the information that is presented. If this is really where the story starts, maybe we could see Jimmy stumbling up, have him beg a little bit at the door and tell our main character that he has no where else to go. We could see the indecision, and even get a little information as the character thinks about their choices. It could be re-worked to be a scene although I still have to ask why it's important but maybe that would be explained later. Happy Holidays.

[TMM]

That's exactly what I was thinking Theadra - and it's great advice. A scene like that would be enough to spark my interest and more officially introduce us to both characters at once. =)

[Ing]

I can see the point Ray and the other commenters are making--a lot of telling where some showing might be more effective--but I was intrigued by the potential of the unstable dynamic between Jimmy and the protagonist.

I would probably have read on.

Partly it's because I've known a couple of characters like Jimmy (and been taken advantage of by them in various ways even when I should have known better), so it hits a little close to home. And partly it's the description of Jimmy outside the door "in the middle of the night with that wry smile on his face and one eyebrow raised." That's what hooked me in more than anything else. It gave me a little window into how Jimmy affects and manipulates the protagonist, and also made him seem rather likeable (as most people of his sort are, of course).

Anyway, if I can give my own two cents (fwiw) I'd say take Ray's (and the other commenters') advice seriously, but don't blow up your story for it, either. Tighten up and revise, definitely, but I think that there's a lot of good stuff going on in your writing already.

It's not the sort of story I generally seek out, but if I picked it up in a bookstore, I'd still have a hard time putting it down. I bet my wife would really like it. :)

[Marianne]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

I can see the point about showing not telling, and now think maybe the scene could start with a brief piece of dialogue before that para.

I agree, Ing, that it could use some tightening, and I'm now inspired to re-edit the scene. Thanks for your positive comments about Jimmy's character, it makes me feel that I've got his essential traits across.

That's an interesting point Ray about using the scene as backstory - I wouldn't want to lose it altogether because the way Jimmy hooks the protagonist in is how he continues to keep her hooked.

I shall keep re-reading and re-writing - thanks!

[Marianne]

Having just posted a question on Nancy's flogometer it raised another one in me, related to my own writing.

On another writers' site I read a comment, from a well known and respected author, that agents generally regard anything written in present tense as looking amateur, and tend to reject such an MS. The second part of my opening is in present tense - Ray showed some of it - but no one seems to have viewed that negatively.

Any thoughts?

[Ray]

I'm not sure a well-known and respected author is qualified to speak for any more than one agent.

I suspect that the truth is that a first-person narrative may reveal not-ready-for-prime-time writing more quickly than other points of view.

You'll also find authors and agents talking about how first-person delivers a more intimate and credible narrative than third person--provided, of course, that it's well done.

I've a novel on the desks of three literary agents that's in first person, and I don't think it could work any other way.

I've also written a novel in first person, and it worked, but the novel felt like it needed another character's point of view, so I rewrite the whole thing in third-person limited, added the second character, and the novel was much better.

So, in my view, I wouldn't shy away from first person because of opinions that it's amateurish. If you do it very well, just like published, best-selling authors on the market do now, no one will be rejecting it for that reason. IMO.

Ray