Flogometer for Danielle: would you keep reading?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Danelle's first 16 lines:

It was the whisper that first caught my attention.

Soft and caressing, it captivated my senses as I followed its resonant tones through the dense mist, a lighthouse in the blindness of the world. At first only a ghost of a sound, as I came closer it grew more audible until finally I could make out a single word.

"Tia."

The voice was calling me.

But why?

The source of the whisper was close; that much I knew instinctively. Curiosity overcame me. I struggled to free myself from the restraining grip of the fog, but no matter how hard I fought I could hear the voice slipping away from me, growing ever more distant.

"Please! Come back!" I cried, frustrated tears streaming down my face. I tried to reach through the impenetrable haze, but my arms hung uselessly by my sides. I was trapped, and the whisper was evaporating in the mists of time. "Don't leave me!"

Laughter filled the air. It was a sound full of joy, such as a child makes before its innocence is taken away by the ravages of age. It was a sound of pure exhilaration, of sunshine and rainbows, of infinite promise for the future. I let its waves flow over me, and heard its echo in the stillness around me even as it faded away to nothing.

Didn't work for me
This got off to a good start with the whisper and something happening in a scene, but confusion started setting in with the second paragraph, and clarity -- crystal-clear clarity -- is one of my requirements for reading on.

First problem: a whisper with resonant tones. When I whisper, it's a breathy sound that, far from resonating, ends as soon as I stop. So that seemed impossible. And then it was resonating in a dense mist, which would muffle sounds.

I wasn't really happy with "captivated my senses," either. I'd have been fine with "captivated me," but her senses? Touch? Smell? Lack of clarity. But I read on.

And it was good that we got closer to the whisper, and that it called her name. Good raising of story questions: who's calling, and why to her? But then came the next paragraph:

The source of the whisper was close; that much I knew instinctively. Curiosity overcame me. I struggled to free myself from the restraining grip of the fog, but no matter how hard I fought I could hear the voice slipping away from me, growing ever more distant.

I've seen "instinctively" used this way before, and don't get it. What does instinct have to do with it? Her regular, conscious faculty of hearing tells her this. This narrative is starting to signal "overwriting" to me, another stopper. Then curiosity overcomes her. Then she struggles to overcome the grip of the fog, which is no longer a mist. Frankly, I think I'd be concerned, or scared, or terrified in this circumstance. So now the character's actions aren't totally credible to me. And suddenly the voice is slipping away, while just seconds before it was stationary and she was able to close on it.

Next paragraph:

"Please! Come back!" I cried, frustrated tears streaming down my face. I tried to reach through the impenetrable haze, but my arms hung uselessly by my sides. I was trapped, and the whisper was evaporating in the mists of time. "Don't leave me!"

Frustrated tears? I don't think so. Yeah, tears of frustration, but tears aren't, as far as I know, sentient. The mist/fog has become an impenetrable haze, the third label for this -- I suggest we just stick with fog. It's easiest to visualize, and mist/fog/haze are different things, with both mist and haze, in my experience, being much thinner than fog. Lack of clarity and consistency.

And the whisper evaporates in the mists of time. I didn't understand how we got from mist/fog/haze to the mists of time, which is a much different concept, to me. Lastly:

Laughter filled the air. It was a sound full of joy, such as a child makes before its innocence is taken away by the ravages of age. It was a sound of pure exhilaration, of sunshine and rainbows, of infinite promise for the future. I let its waves flow over me, and heard its echo in the stillness around me even as it faded away to nothing.

Laughter filling the air is a cliché, look for something fresher. The writer goes on to describe the laughter in many ways, which might have been okay later on, but I found it too dense and too difficult to parse for an opening page (just for me, perhaps, a subjective thing). I don't think I should have to be cogitating at this point, just experiencing.

Danielle has some nice writing, to be sure, but I think it needs discipline and tightening. I read on, of course, and discovered that this is a dream. That can be okay, but there was also a major shift in voice when the narrator was awakened -- we went from the mists of time and the sound of pure exhilaration to the natural-sounding voice of a teenage girl. For my money, I think her dream voice should be the same as her real voice.

I think there's an interesting story here, but we aren't starting close enough to the beginning of it. After the dream, the story lapses into exposition and character introduction in a scene that has a little tension between sisters, but it's affectionate squabbling and not compelling. Had I turned the page, in other words, I would have definitely stopped after a few more.

Dig a little, Danielle. Go to the moment something happens to Tia that breaks her out of her familiar world and propels her into the story. As I said, some nice writing here, so you can do it.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Therese Walsh]

I don't think I should have to be cogitating at this point, just experiencing. I think this is very true. Good comments, Ray.

[Theadra Leilani]

I really liked the first couple sentences, they were great for drawing me in, but I got lost at "The voice was calling me. But why?" To be honest, 1st person is not my favorite, so I could be bias here to start. I thought it had promise, but needs refining. Good luck Danelle and kudos to you for submitting, something I haven't been able to do...yet.

[Danielle]

Thanks for the comments! I'll get to fixing the problems ASAP.

[TMM]

Danielle - I just wanted to say that it's great that you're willing to take the criticism offered and use it. IMO, what makes good writers great is being able to listen to what others have to say with an open mind. Keep it up and you'll go far!