Flogometer: would you keep reading?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This is for Liz. Here are the first 16 lines:

"I don't think we should be here right now." Bryn muttered.

"You could be right." Llaswyr watched as their horses were led up the road that zigzagged across the outcrop and through the gatehouse into the castle. "Who's idea was this?"

"Mine." An exaggerated sigh, then "I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?"

Llaswyr gave him a humorless smile. "Probably not. You know why?"

"Go on. Enlighten me."

"Because, Bryn, I didn't take the gem shipment out of my saddlebag before we set off and when he finds out, my father's going to have my balls."

"Catref's Crown!" The blasphemy Bryn reserved for special occasions and more than appropriate considering their circumstance.

"Mmmm. That's about the only thing that'd save me. Want to go in there," he nodded toward the castle, "and see if we can find it?"

A jerked fist signaled obscene refusal. "Seen enough?"

He'd seen more than enough. Mighty Catref it was called and now he knew why. The legends hadn't exaggerated its size nor its apparent impregnability, even after five hundred years of Wildlander occupation. It was the color of the place that amazed him, though.

Tempted to turn, but sputtered out

I liked several things about this opening: it's a scene, story questions are raised, there's conflict, and I liked the voice. But I slowed to a halt because, for me, I became confused. The narrative -- again, it might just be me -- lacked the element of clarity.

My problems started with the second paragraph:

"You could be right." Llaswyr watched as their horses were led up the road that zigzagged across the outcrop and through the gatehouse into the castle. "Who's idea was this?"

Good dialogue, but what wasn't clear, and what wasn't made clear, was what the idea he's talking about was. Their horses are being led into a castle, which doesn't sound like a bad thing. Was that the idea, to have the horses led? What are they talking about? I never learned (I did read on just to see.).

Then Bryn says he'll never hear the end of this. The end of what? Having the horses led up a road?

Llaswyr then lets Bryn know that he'll never hear the end of whatever it was because of a mistake that he, Llaswyr, has made -- leaving the gem shipment in the saddlebags.

More confusion. Why should Llaswyr's mistake lead to trouble for Bryn?

A little further on, the lack of clarity compounded when I lost track of which was who. It was here:

A jerked fist signaled obscene refusal. "Seen enough?"

He'd seen more than enough. Mighty Catref it was called and now he knew why.

I had to backtrack to make sure that Bryn was the one jerking his fist, but even then the "He" in the next paragraph who had seen more than enough wasn't clear. In both sentences, a simple reference to a name would have kept the sequence clear. Lost, I abandoned the effort.

And effort is a key -- my view is that narrative should take care of you, sweeping you along with no effort, raising questions, yes, but not unintended ones such as who the heck is talking, and what are they talking about?

A couple of craft issues:

For me, this sentence didn't make sense:

The blasphemy Bryn reserved for special occasions and more than appropriate considering their circumstance.

Something's missing, but I haven't a clue and, as a reader, shouldn't have to figure it out. I also think it's a bit of overwriting -- in an opening scene, where the writer is hoping to hook me with story, it would have been plenty to have the character curse and move on -- this history of this particular curse doesn't seem germane to the story.

In an edit, I would also urge the writer to reconsider this description:

A jerked fist signaled obscene refusal.

Again it's a clarity issue. Why is a jerked fist obscene? And the sorta backwards construction was not easy to parse. And this is, basically, telling. If the writer wants us to understand that the gesture was obscene, maybe something more like this:

Bryn jerked his fist in the way that custom defined as "Go screw yourself."

That I would understand as obscene.

Bottom line, there are strong virtues to Lyn's writing; her voice, the potential for an exciting story (missing jewels, missing balls, and all that), but I suspect that she's falling into a trap that I know well in my own writing, and see often in others' -- the story and the action is perfectly clear in her mind, but not enough of that is making it to the page so that it can move to my mind.

The narrative leaves behind things that a reader needs to understand -- what was the idea that would get Bryn into trouble? Couldn't it have been included in such a way as to add to the conflict and jeopardy? For example, I'll make something up:

"You could be right." Llaswyr watched as their horses were led up the road that zigzagged across the outcrop and through the gatehouse into the castle. "Who's idea was this?"

"Mine." Bryn had just had to get a closer look at the massive fortress. He'd said that no one would discover their horses while they crawled closer. How could he have known a patrol of a half-dozen soldiers would come along? An exaggerated sigh, then "I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?"

I'm not saying what I added is terrific narrative. Not really -- it would be better to start with them seeing the patrol find the horses, and then Llaswyr curse something like, "God's balls, the gems are still in my saddlebag." That would launch things with some momentum.

I know I'm being quite picky here -- but so are the sharp, jaded eyes of agents and editors. Keep at it, Lyn, but sweep us into your story with clarity and pace.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Liz Wilson]

Thanks Ray. You nailed my issue exactly. I know what's happening in my head, but getting enough of it on to the page without beating the reader to death with unnecessary detail is definitely a trick I struggle with. It seems that, in this case, less is not enough. I'll work on that.
As an aside, the history of the curse that Bryn uses is actually the entire turning point of the story. I don't want to reveal it at this point. It would be a glob of backstory, and the first page is certainly not the place for that. But I need to imply that it's important don't I? Now the question is how to do it? Ah well. I'm learning as I go.
I really appreciate your critique, and I'll certainly take heed of what you've said. If anyone else would care to comment, I'd love to hear what you have to say.

[Tapetum]

While I agree clarity could use some serious work here (I too had problems with who was leading their horses and why), the particular example of the jerked fist I liked better in its original incarnation. Why? Well, most cultures have an obscene gesture or two. Somebody inside the culture is going to know it's obscene, and likely not going to think about why. I.e. somebody in the US is not going to think 'He lifted his finger in the gesture custom defined as meaning "fuck you."' The more involved explanation moves the reader back a bit from the characters in an unnecessary way.

Plus, actual meaning doesn't always explicitly say "obscene" to someone outside the culture. The Italian "You have horns" gesture took me some time to figure out when I was young.

[Nancy Beck]

This sounds like it could be an interesting story.

The first thing I noticed was how you ended the first bit of dialogue. As I'm anal about things like that (I work as an administrative assistant in an office), when you tag a line with "said" or something else , a comma goes before the 2nd quote mark, not a period. (I got the humor almost immediately, BTW. :-))

I'd also like to suggest a little more in the way of detail

As to the following:

"Mine." An exaggerated sigh, then "I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?"

My way of looking at is that the reaction should be in the POV of whoever the POV character is. In other words, this read to me like it was in omniscient POV. My suggestion for a revision would be something like:

"Mine." Bryn let out a drawn-out sigh. "I'm never..."

This way, you're showing us it was an exaggerated sigh (although I'm sure you can come up with something better than what I have here). The reason I left out "and then said" is because I used "Bryn" here and didn't need any sort of dialogue tag.

This, to me, sounded like a fragment:

The blasphemy Bryn reserved for special occasions and more than appropriate considering their circumstance.

and it doesn't sound right to my ears. I suggest something like: "Bryn hated to curse out Llaswyr, as he usually reserved such words for jousting tournaments gone wrong. But could Llaswyr be anymore foolish in hanging onto the gems?" Rather than giving us a sentence fragment, and a vague one at that, give us a little more detail. What is your world like? It's vaguely in that pseudo-medieval fantasy realm, but I'd like some more details so I get a sense of where this takes place.

"Mmmm. That's about the only thing that'd save me. Want to go in there," he nodded toward the castle, "and see if we can find it?"

A jerked fist signaled obscene refusal. "Seen enough?"
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Sorry, but I'm not buying the jerked fist bit as being obscene refusal, especially as you're *telling* us that. How about showing us? Have Bryn snort and look away from Llaswyr or some other physical signal. If you're wedded to the fist idea, how about: Bryn jerked his fist at Llaswyr. I still don't like it, but at least we're in Bryn's POV, and it's an action connected to someone, not just sitting out there as a fragment. (Don't get me wrong, sentence fragments can be used; I just don't feel they don't serve any purpose in this instance.)

He'd seen more than enough. Mighty Catref it was called and now he knew why. The legends hadn't exaggerated its size nor its apparent impregnability, even after five hundred years of Wildlander occupation. It was the color of the place that amazed him, though.
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Okay, Catref is the castle, correct? Except - why was it called Mighty Catref? Give us some details. How big is it? Bigger than a breadbox? I suggest dropping the impregnability bit; your readers can probably guess that it's impregnable because the darn thing is still standing! ;-)

As to the curse being a plot point further on in the story...hmmm...that's a tough one. Just have them keep using the curse throughout the story? (Meh, that's feeble on my part.) I agree in not using a lot of backstory to point up the history of the curse; the last thing you want is an infodump.

Maybe, as you sprinkle in the history of this particular world, you can work in the history of that curse. Is it inextricably part of (or entwined with) the history of your world? Then, to me, it would make sense to necessarily talk about the curse somewhere down the line, maybe during a quiet scene in your story.

Just some ideas; all my opinions. Use what you want, toss the rest.

Good luck!

[Liz]

Thank you for your comments Tapetum and Nancy. I'm going to work in the names a bit more to improve the clarity. I've noticed that I tend to miss things like that. I think it's because I can hear the characters ... but I tend to forget that the reader can't, at least not yet. The curse is very much entwined with the history of the world and the characters. I drop hints about it in the first half then give the most of (but not the whole) history in a pivotal scene and from then on it drives the action, although not in a very obvious way, until the climax. This is my first book, I'm learning a lot as I go, expecially from people like Ray who generously give their time to helping aspiring authors, and from your comments too.