Flogometer: would you keep reading?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This is for Kim. Here are the first 16 lines:

Michelle Evans burst into SecuraCorp's conference room. "You all need to see this right away."

Blake Barnett didn't have a chance to say a word, let alone stop his cyclone-like secretary from interrupting their Monday, 8 a.m. meeting. He looked across the table at his business partner, Mike Jacobs, sipping a cup of coffee.

Mike grinned and shrugged, as if to say, 'Hey, you hired her pal'.

Blake rose from his chair. "Michelle, we're trying to -- "

"Blake, they have someone named Angel."

Mike jumped up. "What?" Coffee sloshed out of his cup and onto the walnut-veneer boardroom table.

Her words took a few seconds to register in Blake's head. Angel, the world's first cloned human? Impossible. "That can't be."

"It's true. This arrived special delivery." She handed him a disc enclosed in a clear plastic case.

He snatched what appeared to be a DVD from her hand, and powered up his laptop. "Michelle, would you leave us alone, please?"

This has virtues, but didn't compel.
Virtues include starting with a scene and an effort to create tension and raise story questions. But (remember, this is subjective) what happens here didn't grip me or make me really curious about what would happen next.

Parts of the problem include some overwriting and a clarity question. Allow me to get picky in the interests of adding impact.

Michelle Evans burst into SecuraCorp's conference room. "You all need to see this right away." Later we learn that she carries something with urgent information on it. Why not get to it now? "This" doesn't give a clue that speaks of importance or jeopardy.

Blake Barnett didn't have a chance to say a word, let alone stop his cyclone-like secretary from interrupting their Monday, 8 a.m. meeting. He looked across the table at his business partner, Mike Jacobs, sipping a cup of coffee. While I appreciate an effort to characterize the secretary, just how well does this narrative really work? For example, Blake "didn't have a chance to say a word." Actually, he does. She stops speaking. He looks across the table. A sentence from now, he'll stand and say something. So this statement doesn't reflect any kind of reality. I also think this is over-detailed: we don't need to know that this is their Monday, 8 o'clock meeting. We don't need to know at this moment that Mike is his business partner, nor that he's sipping coffee (by the way, he's not sipping "a cup of coffee," he's just sipping coffee -- a cup is one helluva sip). There's information and detail here that doesn't advance the story and, for me, slows things down.

Mike grinned and shrugged, as if to say, 'Hey, you hired her pal'. Now, this really slows things down, and sure doesn't contribute to a sense of urgency, IMO.

Blake rose from his chair. "Michelle, we're trying to -- " I suggest "stood" instead of "rose from his chair," which could also mean that he levitated. "Stood" is a nice, specific verb that gives an instant picture. In addition, why are we stalling with Blake's protest?

"Blake, they have someone named Angel." Now we're getting somewhere -- but where? This is still withholding from the reader, and vague. It even uses a vague word, "someone." If the secretary knows enough to tell that whatever it is she holds is urgent, then she knows enough to be specific here.

Mike jumped up. "What?" Coffee sloshed out of his cup and onto the walnut-veneer boardroom table. You know what I'm going to say, don't you? We don't need to know that the table is "walnut-veneer boardroom." Yes, he jumped up in reaction to her vague announcement. But did we need to slosh coffee? More detail that doesn't contribute to showing us something compelling, in my view.

Her words took a few seconds to register in Blake's head. Angel, the world's first cloned human? Impossible. "That can't be." Why would the words take a few seconds to register? As we learn later, he was intimately involved in rescuing this cloned girl, so his reaction should have been immediate. More than that, the world's first cloned human is definitely interesting information, yet we don't get to it until now.

"It's true. This arrived special delivery." She handed him a disc enclosed in a clear plastic case. More ineffective narrative. If she knows what's on the "disc enclosed in a clear plastic case," then why the heck didn't she say so up front instead of all this dancing around? As for "disc enclosed in a clear plastic case," this is cautious over-explaining. She knows it's a DVD -- she has to have viewed it to know what's on it -- so why not have her say what it is?

He snatched what appeared to be a DVD from her hand, and powered up his laptop. "Michelle, would you leave us alone, please?" As just pointed out, we should already know that this is a DVD. The "what appeared" is more cautious description. Why does he ask to be alone if she already knows what's on the DVD? This opening to a thriller/suspense novel needs to let 'er rip, not dance around. In my view, that is.

The story that develops could be interesting, but the delivery continued to need work, with more detail than needed and some info-dumping.

Allow me to offer an example of how this opening could have been stronger.

Blake Barnet's secretary burst into the meeting. "Angel's been kidnapped." Michelle handed him a computer disk. "This DVD just came." See what I mean? She knew all this, so wouldn't she come right out with it?

Blake said, "Dammit!" Even though people tended to think of the first human clone as an object, Angel was just a little girl with big, sad eyes. He loaded the disk in his laptop while his partner Mike hurried around the table. Now we not only have the clone aspect in, but a strong hint that he knows her and has a connection with her.

Okay, that was quickly done, but I hope it illustrates for Kim how she could have spent her narrative hooking me on the drama of her story instead of filling me in on tabletops and coffee spills.

For everyone: take a hard -- and I mean hard--look at your first 16 lines. Read them aloud if you have to in order to get some separation. Is all of the narration truly compelling? Or are you also filling up space with business, information, and detail that doesn't keep cranking the story engine?

I apply this test to my manuscripts, and it has caused serious revision.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[bunnygirl]

It may be a personal thing, but I find firstname_lastname introductions of each and every character tedious. It's not how characters are introduced in most novels (unless I'm reading from the wrong library) and it's not usually necessary. It lends the story a slow and clunky feel.

This story seems to have a compelling premise, though, and the story appears to start at or very near the right place. It just needs tightening up.

[Chro]

I have to agree that excess 'mystery' doesn't make the story compelling. In the name of suspense, we often leave out a lot of information. But "You all need to see this right away!" is as vague as starting a story with, "Oh my god, what's THAT!?" Story questions are great -- unless the question is, 'What the hell are they talking about?'

Oh, and I have to agree on the first/last name thing. If we are experiencing the story from one character's point of view, would he really think about every person's last name when he looks at them? No. He'd think of a guy as Mike, or maybe Mr. Jacobs if they weren't peers.

[Chris]

I haven't been here for a while.
I really liked what RR suggested. If your story picks up after the first page, I think it would be interesting.

Good luck.

[Kim]

Thanks, Ray. I appreciate your comments and suggestions. Since this is the second book in the series, I've found it very difficult to know who much info and backstory to reveal. Thanks again for taking the time to look at this. :)