Flogometer: would you keep reading?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This is for Nicole, and it's a bit unusual. She started out, she tells me, to write a picture book in the spirit of the classic fairytale canon. Except it kept growing, until it's about, if I understand correctly, 12,000 words long. She's concerned that I'll think that it's a "bit heavy on the language and description" and could use some improvement for hook value. Let's see.

Here are the first 16 lines:

Once, there was a little girl named Alexandria Butterfly. She lived with her parents in a quaint little cottage on a hill, down the road from Mr. Delphinium's Bakery and directly across from the old red schoolhouse. Beyond the schoolhouse lay a wide, empty field of dry golden-coloured grass that never turned green like all the other grass and plants in the village, not even in springtime. A dense forest of impossibly tall and branchy trees hulked menacingly in the south, past the golden field.

The Butterflys were a quiet family and kept to themselves most of the time. This wasn't so bad, for the rest of the townspeople really didn't know how to approach them, anyway. After all, what does one say to a family who's lost a child?

Indeed, Alexandria was not her parents' only daughter. Though she had been but a young girl, Alexandria vividly recalled the moment when everything changed. You see, Mr. and Mrs. Butterfly's eldest daughter, Victoria, had mysteriously disappeared without a trace one day at the age of nine, nearly seven years previously. Alexandria suspected that her parents -- and everyone else -- knew what happened on that dreadful day. If so, this was all kept secret from her. If they knew no more than she did, it was simply unspoken of. Tragedies of such measure were better left forgotten.

Perhaps this state of affairs would have been deemed acceptable by any ordinary girl. But ordinary, Alexandria was not. A remarkably ambitious nature led her to question with gusto every

I definitely turned the page

Why? The power of story, and nicely flavored writing -- love the trees hulking menacingly (BTW, for once I approve of the adverb here). While the opening is pretty much all "telling," as it should be in fairytale style, it raises fascinating story questions. Why does that one field never turn green? What happened to Victoria? And Alexandria sounds like someone I'd like to know more about.

Nicole's asks what to do with her story, which seems to be neither here nor there in terms of style and length. I know what I'd like to see her do, considering the considerable storytelling and writing talents on display -- tackle turning it into a novel or novella.

Fantasy stories are still strong in the marketplace, and fresh visions are welcome. Later in this story we learn that Alexandria's sister Victoria told her all about "the splendid world of elves and fairies and gnomes." My guess is that Victoria was spirited away into the fairy world and that Alexandria is going to go after her -- but I don't know that.

If Nicole turned her narrative into scenes, and enhanced the description in places where summary shortcuts the experience (i.e. "quaint little cottage" is flatfooted telling and would be more effective if it were described/pictured in such a way that we drew the conclusion that it was quaint rather than being told that), I'd like to read that story.

Now, I'm not one of those folks who write for the market (could be a problem, I know). I've always written the stories I wanted (needed?) to tell in the way I wanted. And I still do. They don't fit neatly into genre slots and may not appear easily marketable, but I know their value and wouldn't change a thing.

So I think Nicole should go where her instincts are taking her -- to a longer, deeper, fuller story. To achieve that, though, I hope she shifts out of the fairytale-telling mode and into fiction that brings the people and the action alive.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jeannie]

I really liked this, and it definitely made me want to know more. I think expanding this and turning it into a novel is a fantastic idea.

[TammyT]

I think this opening is perfect for a fantasy young adult fiction. The fairy tale style would appeal to my daughter, for example (she's almost 7). Many children's stories start off with a tragedy to a kid. But since it turns out that she's not dead, kids will love that. (Especially if they reunite with their family later.)

If the stories that my daughter reads are any indication, I think the style, pacing and story of the first page would get the attention of a YA fiction editor.

[Nicole]

Wow, I'm floored (and blushing profusely, I think)! Thank you so much, Ray (and Jeannie and Tammy) for the incredibly kind words. I had left this alone for over a month now, quite distraught about what to do. Talk about fuel for the fire! I'm on it.