Flogometer for Jeannie: would you keep reading?

First, a moment to celebrate a milestone and a missed anniversary. The milestone: this is FtQ post number 250. Posts average 1000 or more words, so that's one heck of a manuscript if you pile them all between a pair of covers.

Would you believe that I'm seriously considering publishing a "best of" Flogging the Quill essays, coaching, and Flogometer posts? Yep. Came VERY close to publication with Writers Digest Books, but no cigar. Here's the title: Jump-start Your Novel with Kitty-cats in Action. Maybe in the spring -- interested?

The anniversary: October 3rd marked the 3rd anniversary of FtQ's launch. That's an average of 1.6 posts per week.

The best part of those 3 years? "Meeting" you, reading your work, helping with coaching. Thanks for being there.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This is for Jeannie. Here are the first 16 lines:

Rosemead Manor, Gloucestershire County, England
Sunday, 12 March 1815

"Thomas is dead," Blythe echoed her brother's words as she peered out her bedroom window at the angry, black clouds coloring the skies.

She should feel something. After a year of not knowing where her husband was, there should be grief, sadness. Anything but this veil of nothingness.

"Yes," Adam said from behind her. She felt his hand on her shoulder. "Blythe, I am so sorry."

"You found proof?" Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe all of it was a mistake -- their ever-so-brief marriage, Thomas's disappearance. All the rumors.

Maybe she'd wake up and discover it was all a horrible nightmare.

"We discovered his grave in a small town a county over." Her brother's voice was gentle, careful.

Blythe knew he didn't want to make this more difficult for her. But she doubted there was a way to make any of it better.

Sheets of rain poured down outside and pelted the glass with fat droplets. She stared at a rivulet of water as it slid down the window. It seemed fitting somehow that the skies would rage violently today.

I wanted more

This opening turned the page for me, though I have nits to pick. The writing is good, the scene is clear and raises story questions. The story may be a historical romance, though I'm not certain. Good work -- although, for me, the pace of the story beyond this point was a bit too leisurely. I think it could use some tightening. Some notes for Jeannie:

"Thomas is dead,." Blythe echoed her brother's words as she peered out her bedroom window at the angry, black clouds coloring the skies. I think "angry clouds" is a bit of a cliché and would look for a better way to express that thought. For me, the phrase "coloring the skies" is an example of a tendency to overwrite (in my subjective view) that weighed down the narrative.

She should feel something. After a year of not knowing where her husband was, there should be grief, sadness. Anything but this veil of nothingness. For me, "veil of nothingness" didn't work. Seems to me a veil is something that blocks things from the outside, while her feeling (of emptiness?) is on the inside. Her lack of feelings is an interior thing, a void, not something that keeps things away. Jeannie later refers to the veil again, that time of numbness, and I had the same problem of logic. But this could just be me.

"Yes," Adam said from behind her. She felt his hand on her shoulder. "Blythe, I am so sorry."

"You found proof?" Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe all of it was a mistake -- their ever-so-brief marriage, Thomas's disappearance. All the rumors.

Maybe she'd wake up and discover it was all a horrible nightmare. For me, this was not needed and slows things. I'd delete it.

"We discovered his grave in a small town a county over." Her brother's voice was gentle, careful.

Blythe knew he didn't want to make this more difficult for her. But she doubted there was a way to make any of it better. For me, this bit of interior monologue slows things. I'd delete it to get to stronger stuff sooner, as I'll soon illustrate.

Sheets of rain poured down outside and pelted the glass with fat droplets. She stared at a rivulet of water as it slid down the window. It seemed fitting somehow that the skies would rage violently today. By definition, rage is violent, so "rage violently" is on the redundant side and the adverb doesn't contribute.

I'd like to see Jeannie tighten these first 16 lines enough to get onto the first page a bit of narrative that comes soon on page 2, lines that was a terrific hook for me.

"Was he traveling alone?" She knew the answer, or at least she suspected it.

Adam looked away. "Thomas had a woman with him"

Now THAT promises good story ahead, and the sooner Jeannie gets to this, the better she rivets her reader, IMO.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[gypsy]

Happy anniversary Ray! Thanks for all your great advice and the time you put into this.

As far as this post - I agree the line about having a woman with him would have hooked me.

[Jim]

I'm interested! :)

[Liz]

Happy anniverary -- and thank you for all you!

I liked this piece, and I liked your suggested edits which do help to tighten it. I have a couple of tiny nit-picks. I'm a Brit, albeit an ex-pat now and so I may be over-sensitive to these things, but to add the word County afer Gloucestershire is redundant. The "shire" indicates that it is a county. And no one would say "We discovered his grave in a small town a county over." ! He might say "We discovered his grave in Buckley-by-the-Moor." or "We discovered his grave in a small town in Wiltshire".
Those two things detracted from the authenticity of the voice for me. But that's just me.

[Therese Walsh]

Happy Blogversary, Ray! And good comments, as usual, on the submission. I liked the ideas for tightening, and I'd keep reading too.

[Jeannie]

Happy anniversary! I'm honored to have my 16 lines on your 250th post.

Thank you for great comments. I've already implemented your suggestions.

And to Liz, thank you for the comments. I did not know that, so have remedied it and will keep it in mind for future use. Much appreciated!

[Liz]

You're welcome Jeannie. If you'd like to use me as a sounding post for those little "English" nuances pop over to my blog and leave me a comment, or email me. My email address is over there