Flogometer: a “head-hop” stopped my reading

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This is for Rik. Here are the first 16 lines:

"Where are you going?" Lynn asked.

It was a simple question. One Tilman might have anticipated if this had not been another one of his brilliant ideas conceived at the bottom of a Dewar's bottle. Instead here he was, standing on Lynn's front porch drenched and once again kicking himself in the ass for failing to think things all the way through. Still, he had come this far and any answer he could offer would be better than standing here watching his water logged feet begin to prune.

"You no longer have the right to ask me that question," Tilman whispered and backpedaled down the front porch steps out into the rain. Lynn had never been one to lose her temper, but if things headed south it might be safer to be out of her reach.

Dressed in her grandmother's wedding gown, Lynn should have been the picture of a Southern Belle on her wedding day. However, the white knuckles of her clenched fists and her furrowed brow overshadowed her natural beauty and grace.

"No longer have the right!  Tilman Dearing, I of all people have every right to know where you're going!"

Lynn fought back the urge to bolt through the doorway and strangle him. She took a deep breath, glanced over her shoulder and lowered her voice. It would not benefit their current

You started with a scene -- good. You had characters moving and talking and conflicting -- good. So I was reading along, getting into the point of view of Tilman, anticipating some kind of escalated conflict with Lynn, when BAM I was suddenly in Lynn's head/point of view in the last paragraph. A most abrupt "head-hop" from the mind and experience of one character directly into that of another. No break, no transition, just mental whiplash.

There are readers and editors and agents who can handle that kind of thing, but I'm not one of them. I don't think it's good (or valid) technique, and it just stops me cold. I might have turned the page to learn more about the conflict brewing, but lost interest. I was right -- later the point of view changed again abruptly, and I'd have been an unhappy reader. Sorry, Ric, but that's my reaction.

By the way, I think you had a stronger opening further along in the narrative. Lynn says,

Like so many times before, Lynn found she could not stop herself. "Tilman, I love you.  I'll always love you."

And then Tilman replies,

"But, you're still getting married."

Now THAT raises some story questions, and lets me in on conflict from the git-go. Oh, seeing her in the wedding dress at first would probably be needed to help set the scene, but this at the beginning could really launch the story.

One credibility issue that I noticed. Lynn goes out into the rain to talk with him, and lets her dress down to where it touches the grass. Even though all she's doing is standing there, the narrative says that "The grass had already begun to tint the hem a pale green."

In my experience, grass stains only when something is rubbed pretty firmly against it. Cloth just resting on it, in my view, wouldn't be turning green.

There were other little reality lapses that took me out of the story. I know it's nitpicky, but the narrative says "A distant flash of lightning streaked across the darkening sky accompanied by deep rumbles of thunder." Actually, a distant flash of lightning wouldn't be accompanied by thunder, it would be followed by it. It's a speed-of-sound versus speed-of-light thing.

I thought there was some good writing in the overall prologue, but I also think you'd be better served to stick with one point of view and draw the reader into that experience. Also, to lift the narrative to a professional level, be tough on yourself in looking for and finding slips like the lightning/thunder.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I, too was intrigued by the setup. And the idea that she was marrying someone other than the protagonist? I'd definitely have read more. I thought the setting was evocatively rendered and the writing read very cleanly.

Ray, how would you distinguish the dreaded head-hopping from third person omniscient POV? There seems to be a fine line, and, for me, anyway, I'd draw that line at the point where the POV switch jars me, personally. But that's a very subjective measure. Is it, perhaps, a matter of focus? Wide-angle lens vs. close-up?

[TonyB]

I too was intrigued by this idea of a jarring switch in perspective. To be honest I didn't find it particularly bad in the quoted example.

The subject of point of view is fascinating - perhaps Ray could talk more on the subject, or point us to a previous article?

Surely the main purpose of using a third person perspective is that the writer can peer into everyone's head and give us their feelings?

I take the point that it's a question of degree (I like the lens analogy above!). If you're describing the minutiae of someone's behaviour and feelings and then jump to describing another character in a similarly intimate way maybe that's the 'jump cut' that should be avoided (to continue the film metaphor)?

Great site by the way, I'm learning so much about writing by studying these regular public floggings.

[Ray Rhamey]

This topic may be too large for a comment venue, but here are some quick thoughts.

First, it's a very subjective thing. It bothered me, it didn't bother Jessica or Tony.

From a technique point of view, for omniscience/third-person omniscient to be effective and avoid jarring hops it needs to be more distant than a third-person limited pov where you get into a character's head and help the reader experience his experience.

I jumped to Wikipedia and a couple of other sites to survey this topic, and here are some quotes:

From Wikipedia: "a point of view is the related experience of the narrator — not that of the author. Authors rarely, in fiction, insert or inject their own voice, as this challenges the suspension of disbelief."

That's where I think this is a weaker technique in terms of storytelling.

From another site, "An entire book written with the omniscient point of view does not allow the reader to identify with any one character or know whose story you are telling."

Virginia Woolf did the omniscient point of view very well, but there's wonderful, smooth transitional material that takes you from one pov to another. In Ric's sample, the first three paragraphs were very much in Tilman's point of view--we see Lynn through his eyes/mind. Then there's a line of dialogue, then suddenly we're hearing about Lynn's urge to go out the door.

This is clearly author intervention, and it pulled me out of the story. I once read a quote by a professor at the Warren Wilson MFA in creative writing program--he was a multi-published writer and teacher, and he said that it wasn't until he was in his 40s that he felt competent enough to attempt omniscience--and he wasn't all that sure about it even then.

If it's deliberately employed as a technique, there's nothing wrong with using the omniscient pov. But you pay the price of distance, of loss of emotion. It's closer to telling than showing. And if not well done, as in today's example, it can be jarring.

The omniscient point of view was once the most common technique. Again from Wikipedia:

"Historically, the "third person omniscient" perspective was more common. This is the tale told from the point of view of the storyteller who knows all the facts. The primary advantage is that it injected the narrator's own perspective and reputation into the story, creating a greater sense of objectivity for the story. The disadvantage of this mode is that it creates more distance between the reader and the story. Third person limited became the most popular narrative perspective during the twentieth century."

I believe that if you read today's best-selling authors, you'll find little use of the omniscient point of view. I, among others, do use different points of view in a novel, but the way to keep your reader involved (IMO) is to either switch pov only when moving from one chapter to another or, if within a chapter, with clear transitions (and a break) between characters, not the slam of moving between paragraphs in the middle of a scene. That's my view, anyway.

Ray

[Ing]

Interesting conversation!

I'm not against a bit of judicious "head-hopping" in a novel, but I'm with Ray on this one. The perspective shift stopped me cold, too--I think because I hadn't had time to fully get the feel of Tilman's perspective before getting spun 180 degrees.

A thought on the grass-stain accuracy issue:

The hem turning green is a nice visual, and I like it a lot. Maybe you could keep it by specifying fresh-cut grass. In my experience, heavy clippings on a fresh-cut lawn can stain very quickly, and might do something much as you described if (say) a heavy wedding-dress hem were dragged across.

I'm really intrigued by the "but you're still getting married" bit Ray brought up. Finding that in the opening page of a novel would probably hook me good.

Not that my opinion holds much weight, but I see a lot of potential in Rik's submission. It's something I could be interested in reading further.

[Rik]

I'll have to work on the head hopping. My wife informed me that there are a handful of other places in the story that it occurs. This was the first time any part of the story has been read by anyone outside of the family. Thanks for all the advice, now time for more editing.