The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
This is for Mark. Here are the first 16 lines:
The water world of Ziag - more eons ago than can be counted:
From a place beyond time and space, the thought entered the dying white dwarf's essence; "It is time to join us child."
From the midst of the Star's ebbing white light of life came the reply; "I can not great Mother. They are my children."
"I foresee terrible things for you if you do not join us now ... Monsters."
"I gave my word."
"I understand. We will all await you my treasure. Your time will come again and when you are ready we will be here."
One soul in two bodies. With his beloved j swimming along side him, even after thousands of seasons R was so intoxicated by her beauty that for a second, he actually forgot to breathe. J was the loveliest thing he could imagine being in the universe, and they had been inseparable for as long as either could remember. R watched the soft golden radiance of her as the light bathed them both, talking to him, comforting him, as it had done since the beginning of days.
"Do not be afraid my little one." the white light of life told him.
R closed his eyes and trembled. "I feel it Mother."
Hmmm. Maybe it's because I've long been a science fiction fan, but
there was enough mystery in this prologue to get me to turn the page
even though I winced at a few comma faults. The narrative was brief
indeed, only a page or so more. While I might well have gone on, the
prologue didn't do anything to give me a clue as to what this novel was
about, and that bothered me. There were things that hinted at meaning
but lacked it, such as "one soul in two bodies" that raised a question
that wasn't answered by the time the prologue ended (apparently with
the Mother/sun going nova, maybe), and I wasn't happy about that. Maybe
it would come out in the real story. Maybe that's why I'm not a fan of
prologues
The writing seems appropriate to this kind of other-worldly
scenario, although in a straight-forward narrative I might have found
it to be overly stylized. Some notes
The water world of Ziag - more eons ago than can be counted:
From a place beyond time and space, the thought entered the dying white dwarf's essence
;(:) "It is time to join us(,) child."From the midst of the Star's ebbing white light of life came the reply
;(:) "I can not(,) great Mother. They are my children.""I foresee terrible things for you if you do not join us now ... Monsters."
"I gave my word."
"I understand. We will all await you(,) my treasure. Your time will come again(,) and when you are ready we will be here."
One soul in two bodies. With his beloved j swimming along side him, even after thousands of seasons R was so intoxicated by her beauty that for a second, he
actuallyforgot to breathe. J was the loveliest thing he could imagine being in the universe, and they had been inseparable for as long as either could remember. R watched the soft golden radiance of her as the light bathed themboth, talking to him, comforting him, as it had done since the beginning of days. In the second sentence, the first clause doesn't really connect with the rest of the sentence for me. It's the "with." If he had gazed at j swimming alongside him, it would have been much smoother. The two clauses in the second sentence are unrelated as well-- what does her loveliness have to do with being inseparable? In the last sentence, which is doing the comforting, her golden radiance or the light? It would be good to be more clear."Do not be afraid(,) my little one(,)" the white light of life told him.
R closed his eyes and trembled. "I feel it(,) Mother."
As I said, apparently the prologue ended with R and j and their world blasted by the sun's nova. I found myself wishing that Mark had sent the opening chapter as well, so I could see how the prologue related to the story. Perhaps it served its purpose after all, but the story had darned well better relate.
How do you guys feel about this sample?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
ARCHIVES .
© 2007 Ray Rhamey
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