Flogometer: nothing like a murder to get you going

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This is for Jude. Here are the first 16 lines:

When you walk into a motel room in St. Augustine, Florida, and find the only woman who ever really mattered lying on the floor with a hole in her head, a chill slithers up your spine and your good knee buckles.

Your gut feels like you swallowed a bowl of pennies.

You lift the tail of your Hawaiian shirt, ease the Smith and Wesson from its holster and scan the room, knowing the most beautiful girl in the world did not do this to herself. You push the bathroom door open, find nothing but a toothbrush and a tube of Crest with the cap off.

You catch your own reflection in the mirror. You look older than you did an hour ago.

I hadn't seen Nancy for over twenty-five years, but her hair was still black and her eyes -- staring blankly at the ceiling now -- still green. The lips I had kissed a million times hung slack, frozen in a pout, and a thin trail of blood ran from the corner of her mouth to the carpet.

I knelt down, careful not to disturb any evidence, and checked her neck for a pulse. Nada. Her face had the waxen sheen of a mannequin.

A pillow lay close to Nancy's right arm, along with a .22 caliber revolver. The pillow had a hole in it, and a burn mark from the muzzle flash. Otherwise, the room looked undisturbed.

Nancy's suitcase was on the bed, unopened, along with an expensive-looking black

Nice. Even the use of the second person at the opening was done well, used just enough to draw me in, and then the voice of the narrator took over. I turned the page and was glad that I did -- a good old private eye story with a sardonic narrator.

I thought there was good characterization, done through description the way I like it -- the buckling knee, the Hawaiian shirt, looking older. The story question was loud and clear -- what happened to the woman? And the writer quickly gave the character a reason to care -- motivation is good.

To pick a nit or two, I wonder about "The lips I had kissed a million times hung slack, frozen in a pout." Hanging slack implies loose lips and an open mouth, yet when I think of a pout (and make one), my lips are closed. I'm not able to visualize what a slack pout looks like.

He refers to the woman as a "girl," but it doesn't feel right to me to call a woman who is in her thirties a girl. I suggest that switch to "woman."

And "careful not to disturb any evidence," while probably an acceptable use of telling to move things forward, felt a little flat. I think this narrator's cop background could have been a little better displayed with a little more thought. For example, "I scanned the floor next to her for evidence. Seeing nothing, I knelt…" etc. Just a thought, though, for more of a picture.

Nice work. Good luck with it.

Comments?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

This was just awesome. What's the title, so I can look for it at the bookstores?

[Jessica]

This was just awesome. What's the title, so I can look for it at the bookstores?

[Mitch]

Nice job!

And I agree with Ray's minor tweaks.

If everyone wrote like this, the Flogometer would be out of business. lol.

-Mitch

[Jude]

Thanks, Ray! Nice to know I'm on the right track. I'll note your suggestions for the second draft.

Thanks for the kind words, Jessica and Mitch.