Flogometer: a page-turner, for sure

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

This is for Clayton. Here are the first 16 lines:

Day 1

Flagstaff nights are cold; I drink a quarter of my flask of Jack in two gulps. There's a crew of secessionists in the cabin behind me, bitching about the same old. It's endless, and that's why it's got to end.

I'm on the porch wondering when I should tell the boys to get lost. They've got guns, but won't use them. They've got the same reasons to be pissed as I do. A tax code seventeen thousand pages long, for shit's sake. But they'd rather drink beer and fart than defend themselves against the almighty Machine. And what am I doing? Sitting here drinking whiskey and thinking about a dead woman's feet.

One more gulp of Jack and I'm going in. The only one that has any stones is George Murray -- the bastard's lugging around a set of cannonballs. The IRS closed his bait shop and he's stockpiling black powder. He's raising a fuss and I want to hear it.

"We ought to firebomb 'em," Murray says. "Hit the IRS, courthouses, Fish and Game. Then they'll know what we're about."

I stand at the door beside a floodlight swarming with moths. Murray and Charlie Yellow Horse, a white man with a sixteenth of Apache blood on his mother's side, are nose to nose.

"Fucking moron," Yellow Horse says.

This is fun. Engaging voice, the promise of lots of conflict, more-than-interesting characters (a guy with "cannonballs" -- I love it), emotion (the narrator's anger), and plenty of story questions. What's going to happen with the black powder. What are Murray and Charlie Yellow Horse going to do? What is our hero going to do? Sounds like a revolt against the government...or maybe even acts of homegrown terror.

I read the rest of the chapter, and it crackled with action and good dialogue. Clayton wove bits of backstory in that just deepened my curiosity, and he gets the narrator into deep trouble, all in just seven compelling pages.

And the writing is strong, the kind that sweeps me along and I have to read at least twice to see any soft spots -- and I didn't see anything worth noting here. Well, one little thing: I wished I'd heard the narrator's name at least once. I think there's an opportunity when he and Yellow Horse are burying Murray. Twice would be better.

Excellent work, in my view, Clayton. Are you submitting this?

Comments?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Clayton Lindemuth]

Ray--

I appreciate your comments, and the work you do to help writers focus on the story. Sometimes you must feel like a voice crying in the wilderness, but we're out here, and we're learning from you. Keep on.

The novel is complete and I've sent a few queries. Finding the right fit is important, so I'm prepared for a long haul.

Thank You,

Clayton

[Tammy]

I have to agree, this is damn good writing. Good luck on finding a publisher.

And thanks Ray for posting these paragraphs and commenting on them. I've been reading for a while. It's one of my favorite writing blogs.

[Jessica]

SO. Awesome.

This was my favorite line: "And what am I doing? Sitting here drinking whiskey and thinking about a dead woman's feet."

A huge, screaming story question for sure. I can't wait to find this in the bookstore.

[Dave Fragments]

I see quite a few openings both here and on other blogs where the narrator remains anonymous for too long. It's not that I want a blunt, declaratory sentence - SO-and-so is the narrator!
Please drop the name into the story and be done with it.

This opening is lots of fun.

[chris eldin]

Excellent!
And I must say, after reading Nathan's 'first paragraph' contest, that you need two or three paragraphs to get a feel for the story. Like this one. I think the first paragraph is intriguing, but it doesn't blow me away until I keep reading and then --WOW!

Good luck.