Flogometer: menace turned the page

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Update Stop by my guest post on Writer Unboxed, A Darwinian theory of publishing.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This is for Susan. Here are the first 16 lines:

It was over before he was even completely inside of her. He roughly pushed her onto her back and swung his legs over the side of the cramped bed, sitting up. Not exactly how he had pictured it, after all these years. Raking his fingers through his hair, he sat there for a moment and thought of what to say next. Somehow "thank you" didn't seem to fit the situation. "Sorry" didn't seem necessary, either, given the circumstances. He was moving toward the chair to grab his pants when he heard a muffled laugh behind him.

At first he thought he had imagined it, but when he glanced back over his shoulder and looked at her, she had her hands over her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a giggle. It didn't matter, though, because it was one of those laughs that went all the way to the eyes, and all he saw at that moment were those eyes, sneering at him from above her hands. He stepped toward her.

"Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute there, stud." She snickered. "Don't get yourself all worked up." She held up her hands in a mock surrender and he figured she was too high or maybe just too stupid to realize it wasn't funny. She pushed herself up onto both elbows to get a better look at him, as he stood naked in front of her.

Susan wove a subtle sense of menace into this narrative, enough to get me to turn the page. I was right -- a murder happens on page two. So good job, Susan. But I think this could be tighter, and more clear, and maybe even more menacing. Let's have a look.

It was over before he was even completely inside of her. He roughly pushed ("roughly pushed" is a lazy use of an adverb to try to describe. IMO, a strong verb would be much better here. For example, shoved, or slammed, or forced, or…) her onto her back and swung his legs over the side of the cramped bed, (What is a "cramped" bed? This description gave me no picture. Is it needed?) sitting up (While there's nothing technically wrong with "sitting up," use of the participle always feels weaker to me than a good, active verb, i.e. "and sat up."). Not exactly how he had pictured it, after all these years. (I liked this hint of a past -- in prison, maybe?.) Raking his fingers through his hair, he sat there for a moment and thought of what to say next. Somehow "thank you" didn't seem to fit the situation. "Sorry" didn't seem necessary, either, given the circumstances. He was moving toward the chair to grab his pants when he heard a muffled laugh behind him. (This last sentence suffers from "wasing," the use of the past participle. I think it would be stronger and more active with something such as, He stood to get his pants from the chair and heard a muffled laugh behind him.)

At first he thought he had imagined it, but when (Why would he think he imagined hearing a laugh? They are alone in the room, and it seems like it would be clear as to what actually happened.) he glanced back over his shoulder and looked at her, (don't really need this; it's a little bit of overwriting -- the reader will "see" this if you go to the next part, what he sees.) sShe had her hands over her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a giggle. It didn't matter, though, because it was one of those laughs that went all the way to the eyes, and all he saw at that moment were those eyes, sneering at him from above her hands. He stepped toward her. (It was the verb "sneering" that helped me understand that trouble could come from this guy, but I wonder if it wouldn't be more menacing if, for example, He clenched his fists and stepped toward her.)

"Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute there, stud." She snickered. "Don't get yourself all worked up." She held up her hands in a mock surrender and he figured she was too high or maybe just too stupid to realize it wasn't funny. She pushed herself up onto both elbows to get a better look at him, as he stood naked in front of her. (I didn't think this last bit of action contributed -- better to keep the pace up and get to the action, IMO.)

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Cat]

I think the menace was too understated. If he gets angry enough to kill the woman, why is he thinking in terms of "sorry" and "thank you"? Consider the pacing from sentence two to three. He "roughly pushed" in two then the action slows in three while he sits on the edge of the bed and thinks. I wouldn't give him a chance to do more than react. Get him off the bed, snatching up his clothes.

Also I the lack of consistency between her giggling and her eyes "sneering" at him threw me off. Is she silly or mean?

The impression I received off him was that he was young and inexperienced. The impression I got off her was that she was a drugged out party girl, dumb and harmless.

I think you have realistic motivation for him to kill her (I'm assuming that he does on page 2). With some changes this could be a great opening. Good luck!

[Susie Malach]

Thanks Ray, for the good insights. I have learned so much from your site since I posted this, I think I would have actually fixed some of the things you mentioned here just by seeing you point them out in other posts over the past weeks. I agree with the comments you gave and have since tightened it up quite a bit (or tried to, at least). I got a lot out of your post, well worth waiting for...

[Susie Malach]

Cat,
To answer a couple of your questions: she giggled and was "sneering at him" because she was laughing at him for being done too soon, yes she was a drugged out girl, but actually a hooker that he just picked up and in fact you are correct - he kills her shortly after the piece I posted. She's too high to realize he could be dangerous, especially since he didn't pick her up with the intention of killing her. He is just out of prison and she is the first woman he has been with in 23 years, he didn't intend to get angry enough to kill her until he felt humiliated by her. He's not young or inexperienced, but that info comes in the next piece too, explaining how he just got out of prison, etc.
That being said, if I had to explain all that to you, I probably didn't write it very well and could tighten it up as Ray said. Hard to convey all that in the first 16 lines, but I'm happy to have a good start to the "hook" in the beginning. Thanks for taking the time to comment.